I have contemplated back and forth on whether or not I was going to post this....if I did how....I am still not sure. But I believe I must because it is a part of our journey with Madison and if nothing else maybe our experience will guide another mother through the darkness of mental illness. So with that in mind I pray God will again give me the words to say here words that will be truthful and not cause harm to anyone.
In the process of a civil commitment Madison was given a court appointed attorney as were we as the petitioners. Tuesday evening I was contacted by our attorney. We talked about Madison and why she is in this situation. Sadly not much counts in a case such as this. We can ONLY consider her frame of mind, acts, and violence in the past 10 days. Since she has been in the hospital 4.5 out of the 10 days we have little to go on. (When asked how she was doing Madison said "I am fine, I HAVE to be if I ever want out of here." this is the side of Madison that is manipulative. She is not fine, she is not stable and yet is able to pretend in order to survive 1 more day and be released....) I hung up the phone after a 20 minute conversation feeling sick and scared. Sick because I knew now that my daughter would no longer be safe. Scared for her future.
I did not sleep at all Tuesday night. Trying to organize my thoughts. Trying to figure out a plan. Trying not to envision what lies ahead.
Broadlawns Hospital is not a pleasant place to be. It is uncomfortable and sad. As you walk through the corridors of the hospital you see the less fortunate of our cities trudging along. Some sick. Some dirty. Some obviously strung out. Some dragging a ragged child or 2 behind them. Sad. I could not believe life with Madison had come to this. I barred my thoughts from going one step further and willed myself into survival mode.
The 3 of us made our way to the hearing room. We briefly met with our appointed attorney who explained in a gruff deep voice what was already decided.
 My heart sank. With every word spoken I felt my daughter moving further away and deeper into a world she is not capable of surviving. Ten days. Ten days is all they can consider. Forget about history forget about diagnosis forget about behavior patterns forget about medications and whether or not she has ever been compliant in taking them. 10 days. Oh and by the way...a person placing themselves in danger of being raped injured or killed by a 3rd party does not count in considering that persons ability to be considered a competent adult. So forget about the fact that she went with COMPLETE strangers believing they were her friends and would take care of her, forget about EVERYTHING that happened to her while she was with them....this only accounts for the 3rd party's frame of mind NOT hers....
So sitting there waiting I felt a darkness come over me. Its difficult to feel the warmth of the sunshine when such darkness surrounds you....We waited and waited then were ushered into the hearing room. We sat and waited some more. Madison arrived accompanied by her attorney and escorted by the sheriff. She looked nervous but happy to see us. Her childlike self was out in full force. We were called to order, the lawyers talked fast and it was over with out consideration. It was difficult to hear over the whir of the airconditioning system. I leaned forward put my head in my hands so I could concentrate on what the ruling would be. In words that we could understand the judge decided Madison was competent and able to care for herself. She has been given full authority to do as she wishes. But she has to do it all independently and on her own with no help for others. Meds, appointments, GED, everything, on her own. Her plan was to go to her Aunt's house and we were asked to take her there.
The frustrating thing for me is that the judge could take none of the important things about Madison into consideration when making this decision. A doctor who has never met her was fooled by her desire to get out and here we are. Her attorney told her ahead of time it would be best for her if she just answered YES to everything then we would get done and out faster. So she did. Every statement made, every question asked Madison responded yes. One time she said No I mean yes no I mean no she was confused and clearly had no comprehension of what was being said what she was agreeing to and what she was signing. Madison is not able to care for herself. I wish she were but she isn't. This ruling is not going to help her, this will hurt her in the long run. And now my hands are tied. As her mother I sat there wanting to jump up and shout "do you not see what you are doing?" "Do you really understand what he just said Madison??" because some of it I was not sure I could fully grasp. I wanted to argue and kick and scream and cry and shout at that judge and force him to see what he was doing was horribly wrong. But I sat there quietly staring at the floor beneath my feet trying to imagine what our future will hold. And the sad scary reality settled in around me we are not done with this kind of experience, this may have been our first trip to the mental health court room but I doubt it will be our last. If only they would have been able to see the bigger picture. Maybe we would be able to change some things...
I was driving this morning wondering. Last night I taught a lesson on integrity to my girls at church. I know this isn't exactly the same but one of the ways I explained integrity to the girls was that a person with integrity is the same on the inside as they are on the outside....this morning I was thinking and wondered if people can see my broken heart? I nicely greet the cashier and tell them life is GREAT! I let a gentleman with 2 items go ahead of me in line rather than wait for my huge purchase and make pleasant small talk filled with smiles....can they see in my eyes that I am screaming inside and my heart is broken? As I taught my lesson last night and played around teasing my girls I wonder, could they see the pain I felt? I am not the same on the outside as I am on the inside. And truth be known I don't want the people around me to ever have to see or feel the kind of pain I am living right now. Integrity is something I will have to work on, if I am going to teach it I should probly live it.