I have fallen victim to sleepless nights yet again. The culprit? Madison.
I have a decison to make regarding Madison. I life changing, life long decision. One that will change both our lives and our relationship forever. Honestly I have no idea what to do. I have gone through every scenario in my mind with every possible outcome. I can no longer think clearly. So, I thought maybe if I write about it, I would gain some clarity and if I am lucky some peace and a decision will arrive along with it.
backing up to somewhere after the beginning but before this recent crisis.
April 2008 Madison was hospitalized for attempted suicide. During this time she was self harming, participating in very risky and scary behavior. Madison had survived a horrific act against her by her step father and it wrecked her. The word survived in this context merely means she is still breathing, because the damage that man has done to her spritually, emotionally and psychologically is devestating and deep. Thus began our deeper plunge into the world of mental illness and our quest to save our daughter. It quickly became aparent that local facilities were not equipped nor were they willing to help save Madison. We desperately searched and found nothing. Finally going to our pastor at the time. Who listened, prayed, loved and acted swiftly to create a plan to rescue us. He was wonderful and supportive and encouraging. He made it possible for Madison to go to Teen Challenge in Decatur Illinois. That was the most difficult thing I had done up to that point. The drive was long and quiet and devestating for all of us. But it was a necessary step in the rescue plan. Madison spent 15 months at Teen Challenbge before the facility closed due to financial difficulties. During her stay there we fo course saw rebellion, attitude, and she ven spent soem time in an orange jumpsuit. But over all it was a time of growth and the beginning of a very long healing process. As time went on we learned more and more things that have happened to Madison over the years at the hands of the people her mother chose to have in her life. Slowly very slowly we could catch tiny little glimpses of healing in her. Then the bomb dropped that the center was closing. Not only would she have to move home for a time but she also would not be able to complete her highschool requirements. Madison arrived home July 1 broken, and a highschool drop out. Also we learend along the way that placing her out of state was the worst possible plan we could have come up with as it made her lose all of her services she had through a waiver program, she lost her title 19 that helped pay for all her services and medications. The worst part of it all was that Madison had turned 18 while at TC. We would have had more leverage to secure services had we gained guardianship over her prior to her birthday. However we had been told not to do that, so we never persued a guardianship, believing that TC was our answer to prayer. (it would have been had it not closed).
I found a local program called Freedom For Youth who was preparing to open a  home for young ladies 18-24 years old. The fit seemed perfect or as near to perfect as might exist. Madison was home for 2 weeks until the program officially opened.
As the days have passed since she entered the FFY program we have seen a steady decline in her behavior attitude adn choices. We were losing our daughter again. She began cutting again, self harming in other ways, she began to show signs of anorexia/bulimia. Finally we were able to get her in to see a new doctor. I picked her up from FFY and took her out to meet Dr. H. He was wonderful, he took an hour and half getting to know Madison and her history, he was not over eager to jump on the medication wagon, he made a couple minor changes in her meds but nothing huge. He gave us hope, encouragement and a plan.
Then everything completely fell apart. Madison stopped taking her meds and lied about it, she started cutting again, and then threatened suicide. he was hospitalized for hallucinations and suicideal thoughts. Madison spent 6 days in the adult psych ward of the local hospital and it BROKE MY HEART. I could only imagine the things she was exposed to during her stay there. She was released to the care of FFY and we were notified several hours later. It comes back to the fact that we never gained guardianship. So if Madison doesnt want us to know about things then no one is allowed to contact us, this is a power Madison is throwing around and using. Virtually tying our hands in the relm of helping her rendering us completely helpless and leaving us to wacth this train called Madison speed ahead to a head on collision.
Just 2 days after she was releasedf from the hospital Madison got caught shoplifting. She had been in a local store with the house mother and stolen several items that where discovered sometime after they arrived back at the house. I am still not clear on what the consequences were/are.
I am scared for her future. I am afraid of what is coming next.
Clearly Madison is unable to make decisions to keep herself safe. Madison needs a guardian. It was recommended by Sara, by the social worker at the hospital (who was awesom!) by Natalie who is Madisons new care coordinator. The big question is who should be her guardian? Should it be Scott who knows very little about her diagnosis, care, doctors etc. Should it be an outside person who can be unbiased? or should it be me? who has been her primary caregiver since she was 2 and half years old. Logically and clinically it should be me. Because there would ot have to be any break in care or services to teach about Madison. I know what would be best for Madison. But, selfishly, I am not so sure it is best for ME. guardianship is a HUGE life long commitment. Madison is always going to need soemone to help her along in life. To help her make decisions in every aspect of life. I am just not sure I can do that....forever. I know I sound horrible. Its NOT that I do not love her. She is my daughter just the same as Amaris is my daughter. I want her to grow to be as healthy and happy and successful as she possibly can. There are just so many more layers to this than I can fairly express. her attitude, her games, her manipulations, her anger all scare me.
I need to make this decision soon time is passing by and she is not getting any better as I ponder this decision.
We are waiting to hear if her application for services through title 19 will be a pproved. We need to apply for SSI for the 4th time. Without these services in place there will be place for her to go. If she is asked to leave FFY there is no other option available without those services. We can not bring her home while she is so unstable and unpredictable.
I sense a few more sleepless nights ahead of me....clarity and revelation has not arrived as I had hoped...