Madison

This is a hard one to write.
I promised to be honest. So honest I will. No matter what.
my favorite memories of Madison are of watching her spinning endlessly in her 'spinny dresses' how she loved to twirl and spin. Her sweet freckled face would glow in pure delight with every twirl. I had dreams for her different than the dreams I dreamed for Dominique. these dreams were more of a sentimental type. Doing her hair for her first school dance, taking her shopping for prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, mother daughter trips. Sharing secrets only a mother and daughter can share.
I realize I did not give birth to Madison. That does not change the fact that at the age of 2 she twirled her way into my heart and God made her mine. I love her the same as I do the boys I gave birth too and the children I have adopted. A mothers love is unconditional and knows no boundary.
That is why this journey through trauma and mental illness with her has been so very hard. That is why the accusations and bitterness has hurt me so deeply. All I ever wanted for her was health wholeness and happiness. I have realized over these last few months that I can not heal Madison. I can not make her want to be healthy. I can only love her and pray for her.
If I could turn back time I would. I would fight harder for her protection. I would push more for services and intervention. I beg for everyone who loves HER to put all bad feelings aside and unite as a team around her to help her get healthy. Truth is though, I can not turn back time. I can not beg others to work with me to save my daughter. So. I have to learn to let go. I have to trust that I have done all I can do. I have to love her no matter what. No matter how long she is away. No matter how ugly life gets. No matter the choices she makes. Love her. Because she is my daughter.
I know there will be people who will read this who will categorically disagree with me. They will argue that she is not my daughter, they will say I don't love her like the rest of the children. But honestly how can another rate the love in my heart? Unless you have walked in my shoes, sat in the cold sterile chairs and hallways of the most awful mental health facilities. until you have been forced to commit your daughter in order to save her life. Please do not judge the amount of love stored in my heart with her name on it. I sat up many nights on her floor praying sitting vigil making sure she did not take her life while the rest of us were sleeping. I cleaned and bandaged her woulds after she cut herself to relieve the pain in her soul. I searched the darkest places in the city to find her when she was missing. I held her. rocked her. whispered in her ear when she was hurt.
Madison has been....I have been looking for a word.....drifting....yes, drifting from place to place, stranger to stranger since March. We rarely hear from her. Most days we spend praying she is safe and not in trouble. Fact is we can no longer help her. Madison has made it very clear she wants us to allow her to make decisions and mistakes on her own. I pray the day will quickly arrive that she wakes up and is tired. Tired of living like this. Tired of not knowing where she will live and how she will eat. I pray she will wake up and see that we love her. Maybe one day soon she will know she needs help reach out and take the hands that have been extended to her. to finish her GED to make healthy choices and begin her journey to healing.