Too sad for words..........

Do you ever have moments in life when it reduces you to a sadness so deep you have no ability to form word or thought?
The last 24 hours have produced this in me. I was up all night trying to process through all the events that lead up to this point. Trying to form reasonable thoughts and maybe even words to explain to my heart how we got here. Still after hours of tossing and turning, reading my bible with a flash light and praying until I cried...nothing. What I have come up with is that there is no reasonable thought, explanation or words to define the season we have entered. I don't have the answers, so, I must wait on God to show the way. Which brings me to another question, does anyone else out there ever wonder when the answers will come and why do we have to wait so long to get them?? I completely understand the answers may not always be what we are looking for. But at least they would be answers non-the-less.
I wonder what happened to the days of my childhood when families spent time together, loved each other unconditionally and showed support no matter what. Was I raised in a land far far away? Did that kind of thing only happen in my youth and childhood? I am not saying at that I lived a 'charmed' childhood. We had our faults and bouts with tragedy. But, we always knew no matter what ever happened FAMILY would always be there. For the most part that remains true today.
BUT....then there are some people in our lives who for whatever their reasons are not there.
I just want to clear some things up for those of you who may be unclear.
God chose my family. He planned my life, He planned Scott's life. God hand picked EVERY Single child we have and placed them in our lives. AND He did it on purpose!
God knew I would have Dominique, and what a gift Dominique was, the timing of his arrival was perfect. My dad got to know his first grandchild before he passed away. The relationship between the 2 of them was nothing short of amazing!
God knew Scott would marry and have Madison, God also knew Scott would raise Madison. He also knew I would have no 'birth-duaghter' and brought Madison into my life to fill that place. God Brought the 4 of us together. And gave us a fighting spirit. The kind I was raised knowing.
Then surprise, God blessed us with Isaiah, even when we were trying to not have a child for the first year. He came 6 days before our first wedding anniversary. pretty close huh? Our doctor who is a Great Christian man told us God gave us Isaiah as the glue to hold our new family together because he was the common link between all of us.
God had big plans for Elijah too. We tried for a year before we finally were blessed with the news. He was so many things for us. To Isaiah he was a shark not a baby. ( that is a different story for another time). Early in our pregnancy we were told he had multiple deformities and we should consider terminating the pregnancy, if he did live he would not live more than a few days at the long shot maybe a year. We prayed and God told us everything would be fine. LOOK at him now!
I always knew in my heart from when I was a small girl I would adopt when I was grown. When we got married Scott was not fond of the idea. A wise woman from church told me, give it to God, leave it there. He knows your heart and if it is God's will he will change Scott's heart, that matters of the heart are for God to deal with not you. Sure enough one day about 5 years ago Scott came to me and told me he had seen a commercial for foster parents and thinks we should look into it.
Here we are....God brought Sam and Amaris into our lives, we loved them like our own even when we were told not to get attached. We prayed over them, cried over them and even almost let them go. God allowed them to stay. We are blessed today because of them. I do not know if God is done with my family yet. These are His plans for our lives. He trusted us enough to give us these 6 beautifully different and equally wonderful children to love and raise and let go eventually.
Anyone who can't see God as the head of our family must not be able to see. Anyone who cannot see the love we have for EACH ONE of our blessings, because that is how I see it. They must be blind.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This verse is not only true for my family but also for EVERYONE who believes!