ugh! I am not a shopper!

My brother gave me a gift card for my birthday with strict instructions to spend it on myself NOT the Monsters. He knows me well!
I HATE shopping, most especially for clothing for me. Don't get me wrong, given the money, I would shop all day long for gifts for others. But necessity shopping like groceries, clothing or the dreaded undergarment....forget it! I'd just as soon wear rags than endure that!
BUT, since my brother was so thoughtful and so specific about what to spend it on. I fought the urge to buy Madison undergarments, and Dom jeans, socks and boxers, and Lij jeans and...and...and...took a deep breath sucked it up and entered the womens department.
Searching searching searching. Oh yes, I found a multitude of lovely articles tossing each one over my arm lugging them around. trying to remember what color of pants I already have that are not too terribly worn and tattered so I can purchase tops to match. After what seemed like an eternity I dragged my weary self into the dressing room. (here is where having a girlfriend or cousin along would have been handy and possibly even fun, did I say fun and shopping in the same story??) SICK!
Lets just say, gravity age and um 7 children have done this old body NO favors. I am seriously thinking extreme body shaping classes may have to be in my future, but in reality who has time for THAT?. Who knew you could have rolls of chub in such odd places? EEEWWWWW. I hated everything. I have decided something else too...I am renewing my quest for a preventive medicine double mastectomy. By the time I finished the whole 'trying on and tossing' process. I felt like I was swimming...no, drowning in the refuse of misfits and illfitting clothing. Do designers live on a different planet than me? Or am I all alone in the battle of extra fluff?
Bonus I did find a pair of cords and a pair of jeans that have a slimming effect. (no, really it says that on the tag). It must be true cuz I wore the cords to church and a couple people asked if I had lost weight....maybe I should go back and buy one of each color. The only thing I am afraid of is all my chub squeezing up and out over the top of the sliming pants. I mean where does it go when it is 'slimmed' anyway? then I would have a new problem, how to control the overflow?
I FINALLY found 3 outits I thought were not half bad. Paid and RAN for my dear life!
Thanks Philip for the gift. I do appreciate it, I just don't appreciate the process. :0)