I have had a difficult time this year getting into the whole Christmas thing. My heart is heavy and I have not felt like participating in any festivities at all. I was told today to 'snap out of it'. How can you snap out of something that you dont know where it came from. So, I have spent the morning while the Burrito is napping, puttering around the house doing this and that, praying and examining my heart. I relfected on the past couple months, and life in general. It is not so much my personal happiness or lack there of. It is a burden I carry in my heart for the world, for the children and families who are lost and hurting. How dare I stand in the midst of things declaring peace and joy and spending money I really should be saving when there is so much hurt in the world around me. How dare I look into the eyes of this young mother who has lost all hope, who is fighting to win the right to hold her child every night, who has nothing, not even enough hope to make the effort it will take to win the battle she is fighting. I can not tell her it will be OK. I can not hold her hand and tell her to have joy when i am not sure that will happen. How dare I sit on the phone and listen to a hurting friend who has lost everything important to her and speak the words as empty as they sound, it will be OK. How dare I walk down the street in a warm winter coat all bundled and toasty and pass by the homeless person who sits on the curb shivering in the cold, why did I smile and keep walking by, why did I not take off my coat and hand it to her? or offer her a hot meal?
As I plan to walk throught the season of parties and shopping and baking and cookie exchanges and music programs I am preocupied by the pain that lives around me and my helplessness to be the change in the world that will eliminate the hurt. I want to feed the hungry, hold the children, love the lost, fix the broken...but I am only one. The burden is ever growing in my heart, I dont do enough, I am not fulfilling my end.
Upon further examination I find a selfishness I am ashamed to admit. I want to have nice things I want my children to be happy and have nice things, I want to BE loved as I love, I want ...I wanted to go to a cookie party sans kids and found kids there and for a moment was happy mine were not, then the reality of my sickness brought shame. The kids were a joy, brought joy, and I should have brought mine.
It dawned on me...its about family...true honest pure family. Something I wanted desperately to give as a gift to my children and theirs who will come after. Family.
Thats it! The last time I felt the truth of family, unconditionally, never-walk-away, stay-no-matter-what, kind of family my daddy was alive. the smells of this time of year take me back to what I have lost and have failed to provide for my children, hence the need to feed the hungry, hold the children, love the lost, fix the broken. Because we are all supposed to love like family. We are not supposed to harbor bitterness and pass on hurts. we are supposed to love unconditionally forgive always and stay not matter what. I have not done my part, I have not passed on my fathers legacy.
So how do you snap out of that?
You PRAY.
and you pick up today and start a new. and do all the things you were created to do and pray God's protection and love will cover you.
so now, I am snapping out of it....coming around. feeling a bit more festive and forgiving of self.
Family...we would all be a bit better off if we loved no matter what.