Lately Madison has been distancing herself again. She only calls Scott. It seems that when life is going as she feels it should she pushes me away, wont talk to me and tells others lies about me. But, as soon as things begin to fall apart, mine is the first phone to ring, I get the hysterical Madison.
I didn't realize how far she had taken it this time around. Because that is what we do, go in rounds. She will always go around again. Its just a matter of time.
Tonight when I ran into her at the show Dominique was working, I realized. She is gone. She is not there. I saw her and knew it was her. But the Madison I saw was not one I could recognize. When she spoke her words, her voice. not hers. She leaned in and gave me a half hearted cold side hug. then it happened. and I knew. for sure. She is not there anymore. She introduced me to her friend as Angela. not my step mom, not mom, not this is angela my_____. just plain angela. I tried to gain eye contact to see if I could find her, she is very good at avoiding eye contact.
she didn't stay in my area long. I am sure she was just as uncomfortable as I was.
AS I drove through the streets of downtown and imagined all the places she has been in the year and 2 months she has been gone. I tried to imagine her sitting at each corner, sitting on the benches of the city.
I realized another thing as I drove and thought back on Madison's life.
She is gone, she will never be the Madison I know.
I will always love her, as I do all the children.
I will always pray for her protection.
but now. tonight . it feels like I am mourning. I have lost someone who is very dear to my heart. and right now I am just. sad.