Before you begin reading todays entry, remember a few months ago I decided to be transparent here. Honestly, I am not really looking for approval or disapproval of my thoughts. I write to help myself organize the chaos that swirls about in my mind.
I have been dreading our trip to visit Madison. Mostly because of the way she acts when she is allowed her calls. Madison is one way with me and a different way with her dad. She is still manipulating the system and I am weary. It is difficult for me because I have been dealing with this side of Madison for years and for all of that time people have judged me, made assumptions, and quite honestly hurt me so deeply that there are days I wonder if my heart will ever be whole again. That said....I know I have done everything I possibly can to help and not to hurt Madison. I have only one regret....that I wasn't able to reach her here...at home.
I am going to write my journal entries from Saturday and today here...
August 15, 2009/ August 16. 2009
Here we are. Standing at the crest of our journey. Our journey to visit our lost lamb for the first time in 3 months. My insides are a mass of tangled emotions. How I have missed her beautiful freckled face and sweet smile. yet...how much I dread those cold and hostile eyes. I fear that as much as I have been told she is beginning to improve (in small ways)~it is but a facade~ a shield she is using to elevate herself to a place of accomplishment without having made any necessary change to get there. The way she speaks to me tells me nothing has changed. She has fooled her way into the next level. and I am weary. tired. exhausted. afraid.
Each mile that draws us closer increases the pounding intensity of my heart. The desire to turn and around and return home grows stronger than my desire to hold her in my arms. How terrible a mother I am feeling this way about her child.
There is a lump forming in the base of my throat. The beat of my heart quickens and I make a feeble attempt at calming myself. As we draw nearer I feel a queasiness rising up from the pit of my stomach and settling in my throat. Tears burning behind my eyes begging to be released. I must find a way to gather my senses. Make the best of the day....LORD, please...fill me with Your peace...I need it today!
We sat through the family meeting. I tried to listen and learn but my attentions were divided between the distraction of the other parents and my unruly children who were supposed to be sitting quietly in the back of the room occupying themselves with the various activities I packed for them. The Burrito sneaks up and throws an action figure right past my nose and hits the person sitting in front of me...this is not going well...in the midst of all this, it is 96 degrees out doors today and we are in a very old building that has NO AIR CONDITIONING!! sweat. anxiety. frustration. none of which added together equals a good attention span or capacity for learning. I understand that a lot of different variables come into a life and family that brings them to a place like Teen Challenge...however, not all of us ignored our children. Not all of us were too soft and indulging and allowed our children too much freedom...some of us have been crying out for help for years, banging our heads up against walls with no ears and no answers. Some of us simply have children who have wills much stronger than any boundary any parent could put around them. Some of us searched for help and answers for our children and simply could not find them...NUFF SAID on that!!
Meeting ended, Scott turned in the meds I brought and the monthly payment for tuition. While he was taking care of business a staff member brought in the girls who were having visits. She entered the hot room. Embraced each one of the children excitedly introduced them to her staff and "big sister"> I was graced with a casual 'Hi mom, where is Dad?' A few seconds later he returned and she ran into his arms. Thus setting the tone for the day. I tried to draw her in to engage her in warm conversation. But was unsuccessful. I spent the day on the outside looking in. watching. soaking up the moments as they unfolded before my eyes. I waited all day for the time to arrive for her to come to me as she went to her father and the children~the moment never arrived. I prayed for peace to fill my soul. Begging God.
Just once I want to know what it feels like for the voice of my Father in Heaven to breeze across my heart like the gentleness of the wind at the lakeshore breezed across my face in the late afternoon sun. No such moment or feeling arrived. So, I stayed there, on the edge of each moment as a historian records history only the history I am recording is that of my family. In all its raw sadness and spurts of joy.
We played at a beatuiful lake. Found a nice park. I wanted to make sure she had pictures of our day so we visited Target and made pictures. We ended the day at the fountain a block away from TC.
It wasnt until much later. In the wee hours of the night while I lay awake listening to the silence and the small sounds of sleeping people that it occured to me. It did not come in the form of a quiet breeze or even a whisper across my heart. But more of a subtle realization that came in layers. I was lying there thinking of my Dad and his love for roses. I am not really sure why. Then I was pondering the rose. Its exquisite beauty comes wrapped in thorns yet beyonde the thorns of the rose is a grace that takes my breath away. It brought to mind my Father in Heaven. His grace often arrives through thorns and it is those grace thorns that strengthen me. I pondered these thoughts for a moment or two and 2 thoughts arrived simultaneuosly. Just as I felt myself drift off to sleep: I have found a new love for the Rose-and simply stated through the vision of the deep red rose in my mind God reminded me of something-Daughter, My grace is sufficient for you-
When I woke a few short hours later both thoughts were still with me. Not only had they taken root in the deepest corners of my heart but I realized this morning I woke with something new.
Peace.
and I smiled and thanked both my fathers-Daddy for being ever so near through the storms and joys of my life-Father God for answering my prayers exactly the way I needed and not the way I wanted!
Nothing really has changed for my sweet freckled faced daughter. God has His hands upon her and I trust Him to bring her through her storms the same way He continues to carry me...One day when I walk into that hot visit hall I will be the lucky recipient of her warm embrace. I can wait.