WOW! that is all I can say....so much has been happening! Some good some great and some not so much...but isn't that the way life goes? We ride along this coaster of life and experience the hills and valleys of the coaster....mine seems to resemble the worlds largest...since last I posted....
Scott passed the stone after 4 days whew!
Amaris had the stomach flu. The Burrito was sick with respiratory crud. Samuel was sick with wheezies. Lij struggled with stomach issues too.
The Sunday before Thanksgiving we had church at the local high school. I don't know about anyone else but I had a blast! It was so much fun!! Then we helped make Thanksgiving baskets of food for families in the community.Thanksgiving was different this year. Different is not always a good thing but sometimes we need different in order to foster growth and this is a year of that for me...
Philip left Thanksgiving day for India he will be gone for at least 6 months if not longer....I knew we would miss him but did not realize how much a part of us he is until he never showed up for dinner on Sunday. 35 hours of travel and he finally arrived in his hotel and got some much needed sleep. We finally got to talk to him this morning. He LOVES it already. And now I am jealous India is a place I have always wanted to go...I will have to live the experience through him.
We traveled to Teen Challenge to spend Thanksgiving with Madison. An interesting experience to say the least! In some respects I am happy to report that I saw some improvements in her but she still has a long way to go. Thank God for progress, it sheds light on hope! Pray for us the week of December 19. Madison will be home for Christmas and it could be a difficult week for her.
Novembers FPNO was amazing! I have the privelege of working with the most amazing volunteers in the world and I am in love with all the children....my heart grows double in size each month I get to spend time with them!
We tried to do a fundraiser for Dropz of Hope but was not asa successful as we had hoped. We are now planning a fundraiser dinner for Dropz of Hope it will be December 13 @ Berean following the evening service....We need at LEAST $750 so please start praying!!!
This past Saturday we helped with Pastor Kevin's Drop and Shop. A vacation bible school styled day where parents could drop their children off and have 4 hours to do Christmas shopping! We had so much fun!! I am looking forward to next year!
This week is slowing down for me which is a good thing. I haven't been feeling 100% lately and need some down time.
Soon I will write about what has happened with Gramma and her home...not today.

a long night the burrito and a kidney stone

I am not sure if he could just sense that something was brewing, or if he somehow knew the night was gonna flip upside down. But last night it was nearly 115am before I finally got The Burrito settled into a good sleep. Placed him in his bed snuggled him up in his cozy blankets and fell into bed completely exhausted. Only to be awakened 30-40 minutes later by Burrito who had a night terror. Out of pure tiredness and sleepiness that I could not shake I plucked him out of his cozy bed and tucked him in with me. We both drifted of to sleep. Would you believe that not 30 minutes later I was awakened by moaning coming from the other side of the bed. Scott was in pain and wrestless and moaning. pacing....kneeling  and lying down...Had I been awake I am sure it would have been quite the sight to see! However I had only had an hour of uninterupted sleep thus far and was so stinking tired....
Dr. Angela diagnosed kidney stones offered options and seriously contemplated going back to sleep. However, I searched my weary body and found compassion and stayed up ALL night listening, offering suggestions. At nearly 5 Scott laid down and drifted off to sleep in Madison's empty room and I went to sleep with a cozy little Burrito.
Scott decided to go to work and made it exactly half way to the office before realizing that was not a good plan and pulled into his parents driveway. They escorted him into the ER and lo and behold the official diagnosis of kidney stones was given and he was discharged with a prescription for percacet, a strainer and told to wait  for it to pass.
Wonderful! So today I am running on a grand total of 2 and 1/2 hours of uniterupted sleep with a grumpy Burrito and a man trying to pass a stone! Icing on the cake was Sam has a cough and a fever too. NIIIICE.

Dear God....I have Foster Parents Night Out this Friday with 34 possibly 42 foster children plus volunteers and their children I do not have time nor do I have patience for this nonsense. So, if you could kindly get my family healthy and provide me with some good sleep between now and Friday, I would be ever so gratefull! Thanks and AMEN!!!

updates

Elijah had an appointment with the specialist and got a great report! I promised him I would not tell what was wrong. So just know that it was an issue unique to boys and usually requires surgery but thankfully his resolved before intervention had to take place! WHEW!!
Madison seems to take 2 steps forward then 4 back. So I am not exactly sure where she is... I try to be happy for any little baby step but as soon as I whoop and holler my praises she gets into trouble and then moves backwards. I was really hopeful that the little visit by her father and Pastor Paul would have been the beginning of change...sadly that is not what we are seeing. I do not completely understand the way they work down there. But, they are the professionals and I am merely the stepmother ... have I ever mentioned how much I hate titles in families?? We are a family. thats it. the end. no step no bio no adopted no foster no definitions all equally and deeply loved!!
Dominique is trying to make through the end of the semester. He was doing great until he got sick. H1N1 and a bacterial infection in his lungs put him down for the count! Lets just say that even with doctors notes keeping him OUT of school college professors are not always understanding when a student misses their class. Thankfully he is on the mend and well taken care of!
Isaiah is doing very well in homeschool this year. He is so funny he wakes early and starts right into his day. Usually he is completely done by 1030 or 11. This just tickles him because then he has the rest of the day to create with legos. tend to his farm and aquarium on facebook or read! He is growing more responsible and helpful everyday. Isaiah is very good with the Burrito!
Elijah is doing well in school and is trying his hand at sports reporting for his class paper. He is taking full advantage of the nice weather and spending every possible moment outdoors.
Amaris is having a good year so far in school. She loves art and is very creative. This year she has also started spending time with girlfriends. This has been fun to see!
Samuel has had a rollercoaster ride these last couple months. School is getting better and we are working on the rest.
Heartland AEA continues to work with Zephan on behaviors and such. We finally had a couple break-throughs this past month! I love progress! We have definitely without a doubt arrived at the strongwilled stage of life...many a battles are fought and won during the course of his day.
We are heading down to Decatur next week to spend Thanksgiving at Teen Challenge. Should be an interesting day.
That is the condensed version of our lives as of late!

LIJ

Anyone who knows him knows that Elijah is the most active of my monsters! He is outdoors every waking available moment of every day. climbing, bouncing, jumping, riding, running, laughing....active!
Every morning for the past week and a couple days he has awakened with terrible pain in his right leg. Being the awesome mother that I am (insert sarcasm here!) I passed it off daily as growing pains, administer Tylenol, apply heat or ice and off he goes to school....
I knew this morning was different....the morning silence was shattered with the scream/cry coming form deep within that little body of his I ran down to his room to find him curled up on the floor rolling around in pain crying...no, sobbing. I tried and tried to get him to stand up and come upstairs he could not bare any weight on the right leg. at all.
I half carried him up the stairs and settled him on the couch while I tried to figure out what to do. Isaiah had an appointment this morning in West Des Moines that I knew I had to keep. As I made lunches and readied monsters for school I formulated a plan of attack.
Called Uncle Cowboy, asked him to come up and hang out with Lij while I took Isaiah to his appointment and of course the Burrito went along with me. Then we hustled home for a quick nap and collect Elijah for his 130 appointment at the clinic. whew! we made it!
By 300 we had done blood work had X-rays and were off to the hospital for ultra sound and possible MRI. I must say for having never been in need of such testing and fussing from medical professionals Lij handled the days unexpected events like a champ!! Not a teqr was shed even though I could tell he really wanted to a time to 2.
A quick call to a friend, we made a side trip and dropped Burrito off so I could focus on hospital stuff. Everyone at the hospital was very gentle and kind to Lij and took good care of him. Had ultra sound done no MRI and will hear from the docs in a day or 2.
Left the hospital made a quick trip to Mc Donalds to buy my little man a milk shake, a bravery reward! collected Burrito and headed home.
When we arrived home i had a message from the office with a referral to a specialist....in the mean time, rest when in pain and give motrin as needed.....
As I prepare to go to bed tonight I am praying tomorrow will be better....

news flash.....its not up to me....

I have taken this time to sort out the flurries of my heart. As many of you know Madison is away. I have so hoped this would help her. I believe she can get better and hope for that daily. I guess what I have been struggling with is more myself and less her.
For 13 years I have done everything within my power to help her. I have searched and found professionals to help. I have driven hundreds and hundreds of miles to doctors appointments. I have studied so I can be at least as smart as the professionals sitting at the table of her IEP meetings. I have prayed thousands of prayers. cried millions of tears. fought, screamed kept silent.....
I finally get it....its not up to me. I am not in the drivers seat. There are times I feel as though I am not even in the car...The thing is, its not up to anyone but HER. Madison must choose to respond. choose to take the necessary steps to get better. Here is the thing she may decide not too. She just might decide this is not what she wants and when she turns 18 walk....I hope not. I pray not. But ultimately the choice is hers.
Today it dawned on me....I don't have to like it. I don't have to be happy about it. I just have to accept it.
Its not up to me. Its not BECAUSE of me either!!
Now that I have this cleared up I can think a little more clearly. I am not any happier about the situation. But at least I know I have done all I can do and its just not up to me anymore....

apologies

I will be taking a break from blogging...until....I have much to work through in this heart of mine and just should not be writing for the world to see.
love you all and thanks for stopping by!

I have been pondering all day what to write here. I am such a mixed up bag of thought lately.
I have no idea what to write here.
How can one be happy and sad at the same time?
Love and seriously dislike together?
I don't know I haven't got the answers and was kind of hoping I would have magically arrived at the moment of clarity before sitting down to update. But, it hasn't happened that way. So I am left here still not knowing what to say, still having all my questions remain...questions.

I have been avoiding my space here lately. Mostly because I promised myself this would be one place where I was transparent in heart, thought, mind, emotion....and sometimes that is really difficult for me. For many reasons I wrestle with that promise. I am afraid people will begin to view me as this dark person who is deeply depressed or unhappy. Which would be a sad assumption. Because truthfully, I am neither...It is funny I think often of all the things I have been chosen to carry. And I think most days its not so hard.
Today I chose to write. I may not reveal intimate details of my heart. I may not share the many struggles I am learning how to juggle. But I am reaching. reaching out to space. I am not even sure what exactly it is that I am reaching for. or what I even expect in return if anything,
I miss writing.
I miss having those moments in my day when random thought is born and evolves into some thing I feel must be recorded. Funny thing is I know why the feelings are gone. I can even pick the exact day and time in which I lost my desire to write, and lost my inspiration of thought....i am working through that now...and have decided its time....