meandering heart...

I have thought daily and sometimes multiple times daily of things I want to write. It seems there are always words floating around my heart and mind that cry to be written. I have been without access to a computer for a couple weeks. I tried recording the meanderings of my mind in my phone and transferring them to my blog but that was unsuccessful. then I tried from the I-Pad this also failed. Then there were times I wanted, REALLY w2anted to open up and pour my heart out on the pages of this blog. stopped, thought and decided those were the days the words were best left tucked inside my heart.
Suffice it to say, my heart and mind are literally bubbling over with words and I am trying to sort them out and choose wisely which are appropriate to share and which are not.

topics I can not share on: Baby J. for legal and confidentiality  reasons my roller coaster ride with this sweet boy are off limits. Just please, if you read my blog, say some prayers for him, his life and future. God knows every detail of his little life I am merely a small part.
Madison. My heart aches over her. I have no idea where I went wrong. I did the best I knew to do with the supports and resources I had. Did I make mistakes along the way? YES. were they enough for her to walk away and cut me completely out of her life? no. I have come to the harsh reality that I must continue to love her as I always have, unconditionally and no matter what. BUT I can not chase her I can not force her. I will pray wait and be here IF or when she chooses to come home again. I have SO many details I would like to pour onto this page. but out of respect to her I choose not to, at least not now.

Now for the updates I CAN share:
We are looking forward to the end of this month and praying that the supreme courts are quick with their decision to uphold the ruling of our local courts so we can move forward with our adoption of Spuds. This little guy is such a blessing and joy to our family. He seems to be a medical and developmental mystery. We seem to take a step forward and 2 steps back. I know there is SOMETHING I just cant figure out what that something is. He is globally delayed by at least 3 months. Language is about 4 months delayed. He is 8 months old and is just learning to play peek-a-boo. What a glorious sight to see. He actually smiles and on occasion will actually smile! I want to sit with him all day and soak up every tiny little bit of growth and progress. forget about my chores forget about dinner and laundry and errands and bathrooms that need cleaning. I don't want to miss one single step forward! There are times, like last night, I sat on the couch in the quiet of the night just Spuds and me. I was talking and singing and he laid there, staring at me, no response came from that sweet face. there were moments where it LOOKED as if he WANTED to smile or speak or coo but he just could not find a way to actually DO it. He is so sweet in those moments totally connected to me with his eyes. We will be going back to IA City at the end of this month, we are praying for guidance, I have come to the conclusion that answers and a diagnosis are not likely, but am hopeful for at least direction and guidance.
Next in line is Burrito. Change is so difficult for him. He has surprised me this summer with an easier transition into a new routine. It has not been perfect by any stretch. But, he has done better overall than I expected. We have had no success at all in potty training. UGH! I have tried every trick I Can find, bought books, tapes, songs, done dances, bribed, sticker boards. NOTHING. Some days, he does well. I have given up. Just reinforces my decision to do 1 more year of preschool. He is not ready for Kindergarten. Burrito LOVES being outdoors. Loves swimming. loves our puppies. he still struggles with the wandering and running away which is scary and annoying at the same time. I am looking forward to our appointment in September with the new developmental pediatrician at Blank Children's Hospital.
Samuel: What a challenge this summer transition has been for him. I am praising God for an amazing Psych doc and excellent therapist who were added to our team a few months ago. We are working diligently to find ways to help Sam navigate through the world. He too will be seeing the developmental pediatrician in September we are also taking a trip soon to the Monroe Meyer institute in Omaha for some evals. I know under the melancholy exterior there lies a sweet happy boy waiting to be released. I will not stop searching until I find a way to help him find his way!! Samuel LOVES to be outdoors. He has an imagination that would BLOW YOU AWAY! He is very creative and loves to make things out of recycle materials. He also happens to have a fascination of taking things apart to see how they work, the only problem with this is that he then cant put them back together and instead of bring them to me to help him instead he BURIES them in thew back yard! it is definitely never boring around here!!
Amaris: Was recently crowned honor star at church. She looked so beautiful! I am so proud of her hard work and dedication to the Stars Program. We went together to Powette, and had the best time!! Amaris is trying to teach herself how to do flips cartwheels handsprings and all kinds of other acrobatic tricks. I sure do wish she would have developed an interest in such things when she was younger! I am afraid she is too old to join a club and learn.....anyone out there who is a part of this world and has an idea please let me know. I love watching her flip around the yard it lights up her face like nothing else! The pride she has in her accomplishment is wonderful to see!!
Elijah: Has had a disappointing year of baseball. He has been struggling with migraines and seizures and his mounting fear of them shows on the field. He is becoming very discouraged. This breaks my heart. He is a very good ball player and loves the game more than just about anything. We are working with e neurologist to figure out his episodes and hopefully will be able to rebuild his confidence  before fall ball begins. I hate to see him so sad. On the up side.....He just returned from the trip of a lifetime to NYC with Scott. They went to Yankee Stadium saw 2 games and explored nearly every inch of the city.
Isaiah: I do not know what I would do with out my Isaiah! He is amazing with the children. He is always helpful, I love how he just cleans up or takes the trash out because he saw it needed done instead of me having to ask. He went to CAMP!!! Is wanting to get a JOB! and I am pushing him to get his permit so he can take drivers ed. I am super proud of the progress he has made in stretching himself out of his comfort zone.
Madison....
Dominique: just returned from another tour with Expire. Has been working a lot saving a lot and getting ready to go on a world tour at the end of summer. He is drumming again in a new band. I am so proud of the man he has become!! There is truly nothing in the world he can not do. I know he will do amazing things!
me: my heart continues to meander and I continue to chase it....
the kids and I are doing summer school at home with great geography adventures. We have gone on 'safari'  to the prairie wild life refuge we have seen buffalo elk deer raccons and many other amazing creatures!
Once the heat breaks we will go on some new adventures.