last night I finally figured out why I hate going to bed at night. why sleep eludes me and I procrastinate shutting off the computer and making my way to dream land.
As I lay there in the quiet of the dark night, wide awake I see it is 1:49 am for the 3rd night in a row...and finally, I realized what my problem is.
The thoughts I try to avoid all day long by keeping busy with the kids invade my mind with a vengeance that will not quit. these thoughts bombard my brain and come one after the other, sometimes multiple thoughts all at once. and lying there in the darkness when all is quiet for the first time in 24 hours I have no choice but to entertain them. dividing them into categories, ranking their importance. then marking them off one thought at a time as I give each one their deserved amount of attention.
an hour passes by...2, then 3, and soon I am looking at the glaring red numbers of the alarm clock teasing me that it is now after 4 am and I have not slept at all. reminding me that i must soon drag my weary self out of bed and march onward through my day.
It is in this moment that I return my thoughts to prayer, where I began so many hours before. and finally as I am nearing the amen part of my prayer sleep comes.