last night home

We watched a movie together tonight.

I keep telling myself I can do this. Then my heart begins to beat out of turn, a lump forms in my throat, and tears burn the back of my eyes. And my sweet boy says to me, "are you emotional mom? Do you need a tissue yet? Have the tears started? AND His friends keep calling him asking him how emotional I am now. It isn't funny! Can't a mom cry in peace??? Why am I doing this??? Mothers all over the world have been doing this for years and years. So, if they could do it, then what is my problem?

I realize I am lucky in that Dominique chose a school close to home. It is not about distance. It is all about letting go. I am not ready. I am not convinced I did a good enough job to send him off into the world without me. I want to go BACK in time not forward!

Close your eyes with me and see: the sweet face of a little boy just learning to walk toddling all over. Rocking on his bouncy horse Papa bought for him. Holding my dads hand in the middle of the night because in that tiny little boy heart he knew grandpa needed him. The summer he spent as Donatello the ninja turtle. His first daredevil trick at the age of 3 jumping out of an 8 foot high tree house because he KNEW he could fly. That same year he dove into the deep end of a 12 foot pool becasue he thought he was a dolphin. Then he was in kindergarten and I blinked and he was in 3rd grade. Tae Kwon Do was his thing, he was very good. Not many people know that before the club closed he became a second degree recommended black belt and was a junior instructor. shshshsh don't tell him I told you. My drummer boy. My artistic son. His heart is tender to those around him. He is crazy enough to try any trick on wheels. He broke an arm every February for 3 years in a row. I can't count the number of ER trips we have made. He has had several concussions. He is a hard worker. He loves his siblings even though he says he never wanted to be the oldest of so many! He is an amazing role model to them they love him very much. Now I must give him his wings and pray God's protection upon him.

Here are a couple classic Dominique moments.

When he was about 4 years old he fell outdoors and skinned his knee, I was cleaning it up and kissed his owie. He said "mommy, I am sad. very very sad." When I asked why. He told me "cuz mommy your kisses are broken, my knee still hurts." I think that was the first time he realized my kisses didn't magically make all things better.

One day he came home from kindergarten extremely dirty. From head to toe a mess. The first thing he said when he opened the door was."don't be mad mommy, remember a dirty kid is a happy kid!"

great now all my Dominique moments are jumbled up and mingling with each other and I can't see to type through my tears.

I am so very proud of you, son! Don't forget to come home and hug your mom once in a while.