feeling sorry....

So much has been going on here lately. It has been difficult to slow my brain enough to proces through thoughts and feelings and emotions. Then slowly over the past 2 weeks or so the sadness has crept back in to cloud my heart.
I am tired of feeling this way. Tired of getting weepy eyed at the strangest moments in time.
So I sat myself down in the wee hours of the morning and spent time soul searching. I had to force myself to ask and answer some very difficult questions. Some of these I will share....some are too personal to share with anyone besides myself and my Father...who sat with me through those late night/early morning hours as I searched for the answers.
I have decided to devote this days blog entry to my revelation in one area....My beautiful daughter....
April 15 came and marked the 1 year anniversary of our taking her to Teen Challenge. That day I woke feeling sad and overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation. The progress and lack of progress wrapped into the package I look at daily and wrestle with....did we really make the right decision? will she ever arrive at the healed and whole state I pray for her daily?
Answers to these questions came slowly but were sure. Yes we did the right thing. Yes she is where she needs to be. No I do not know what the end of her journey is going to look like. The truth is some of this is completely up to her. Hard stuff to ponder.
Then My meditation moved on...and what I found was not pretty. nothing i am proud of. some things that are completely out of character for me. but are there in living color. so i had no choice but to deal with them one at a time. me and my Father.
anger. jealousy. fear. hurt. self pity.
most of these were so foriegn to me i couldnt recognize them at all. but upon closer examination i saw they have been my close companions for quite some time now. shame filled my heart. followed closely by regret and repentance.
anger....i am angry at myself for failing my daughter in a huge way. i was angry at my Father for taking me on this journey that i do not want to be on. i am angry with Michelle for failing to keep Madison safe and for being to much of a coward to stand up for what is right and honest and true. i am angry at kale for hurting my sweet girl and stealing her innocence. i am angry at Scott for not talking when i want to talk. i am angry at Madison's friend and cousin who help her get into trouble and abandoned her to save themselves. i am angry at some family for never supporting only blaming and pointing fingers. when a little love and support would have moved mountains. i am angry at Madison for not caring enough to do her best.....
my Father and i spent a lot of time on these things. he helped me to see that although anger is a natural feeling it has been mis-guided mis-directed and consuming. keeping me from being close to my Father.
jealousy...i am jealous of all my friends whose daughters are healthy happy and where i wish mine was today. i am jealous when i see senior pictures. i am jealous when i see and hear about the prom or fine arts or graduation parties....
hurt....i am hurt for all the same reasons i am jealous and.....i am hurt because aside from a small handful of people very few ever ask how she is doing. even fewer ask how i am doing. i walk around trying to hide the pain that fills my heart. and few notice its there....slowly the realization arrived....how can anyone know there is pain when i go to such great lengths to hide it from all the world....thank you Father for holding me through these hours of searching....
fear....i am afraid. of the future. of more failure. Fear not for i am with you.....My loving father whispered in my ear and for a moment. just a quick moment i actually felt the warmth of his embrace. thankfulness slowly began to over shadow all these othe feelings....
I know all these feelings will be feelings i will deal with. i know they are not going to magically disappear. but i also know that my Father loves me. He told me.
i also know that not one of friends or family can love me support me or understand me as long as i am in hiding. hiding my sorrow and fears. saving my tears for the camoflouge of the shower or the darkness of the night where the only one who is awake to see is myself and my father.
I am feeling less sorry for myself now. I know the next 2 months are not going to be easy as i watch with pride, joy and sadness as all my beautiful daughters best friends do all the things she should be doing. i will attend the graduation parties, i will applaud their amazing accomplishments i will show them how very proud i am to know and love them....i will also be sad and mourn the things i will never get to experience with my sweet girl...and thats ok!!