sometimes transparent really means cloudy with a chance for mud...

Parenting is not always sunshine smiles and laughter.
Sometimes parenting is painful sad and heartachy (yes, I just made that up)
I try to be uplifting and encouraging and a Godly example to anyone who may be experiencing the same parenting woes as I...and there are times (more often lately) that I beat myself up and force myself into silence for fear that I will be looked on as a complainer or worse yet....a weak Christian who can not handle anything cheerfully.
What I have decided at least in this moment of life, is that its ok not to feel cheerful, its ok to complain, its ok to hurt and tell about it.
Sometimes my life feels bright and sunshiny....transparent. As if all the world looks through the window of my world and no matter their circumstance can be warmed by the rays of happiness radiating from my world into theirs.
Other times my world feels a bit cloudy. Almost like the San Fransisco fog is rolling in over my sunshine, I can still feel the sunshine and I still know its there somewhere under the clouds and fog.
Then are the times when my life becomes down right muddy. I can't find my way out of the mud-puddle no matter how hard I try.
And you know what?
I bet there are many other parents out there who have a life just like mine. I bet its fairly normal to have transparent foggy muddy lives and it is even alright that I jot down bits and pieces along the way.
I am not depressed. I am not negative. I am a mom trying to navigate a daughter through the perils of mental illness the only problem I have right now is that she doesn't any navigational assistance. So right now living in the mud-puddle is where I reside. I am praying fro the relief of rain. In the form of anyone or anything positive that will help her navigate her way into a healthy wonderful life....one full of sunshine.

I do feel better this morning.
Although morning arrived way too quickly. I was awakened by the sound of birds serenading me outside my window and the smell of springtime dancing on the breeze.
I don't know why today is so different than yesterday, it is strange really./ I have done nothing different to make the overwhelming sorrow disappear. Yet, I woke this morning with a fresh and new feeling in my heart. Maybe I just allowed the enormity of our storm to consume me yesterday and the fact that I had a terrible night sleep filled with bad dreams the night before. I am not sure. But today I am thankful for the lighter feeling in my heart and the ability to put the sorrow in its place, in a small corner of my heart rather than taking up my entire being.
Today is going to be a good day!
Love

I am sitting here listening to the clock ticking minutes away. Each tick seems a bit louder than the one before. It is in these hours of the night/morning when I can not sleep that the waves of deep sadness become greater than waves and begin to toss me about. An aching that fills every corner of my being swells in fits and rages. Making me feel nauseous and lightheaded.
In my head I know this is crazy, in my heart I feel like I am in mourning. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions swirling. I was hoping that writing tonight might make them quiet and allow me to rest. But the problem is that I can't bring myself to write about the storm. I am tired. and want to rest. from the storm. I had a revelation today....this storm will be here for the rest of my life. Some days are more overwhelming than others. Today happens to be really bad.
I pray I feel better in the morning.

Isaiah 41:10

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.(NIV)

A dear friend reminded me of this verse last night as we chatted on facebook. Thank you Mrs. Battles, for reminding me, for loving my family, for caring enough to let me know what is going on. You are an inspiration to me, you are a prayer warrior, you are an amazing example of a Godly mother and I will be ever grateful for all you pour into my life!
Madison has been gone for 8 days now....187 hours and 37 minutes to be exact. I must be honest in saying that I am surprised she stayed as long as she did. I knew deep in my heart that her stay would not be long. I had hopes and prayers that she would at least make it until she acquired her GED. She is so close! I have been driving her down town every day and Scott has been picking her up after work. She was doing so well in the PACE study program. The only tests she has left are social studies, math and science. A little over a month to go and she would be done! So many people have tried breaking through to get her to understand what the choices she is making will do to her future. She will not listen. We get silence in return for all our messages and calls.
We have had reports from local residents that she has been going door to door telling people she was kicked out of her house and that we have told her she may not come back, she has been telling people she needs money to pay for her GED classes. My heart is aching, I want to stand on the front step and yell at the top of my lungs "I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!! All I want is for her to be healthy, safe and successful!" I feel like the only people fighting for her is Sara and me. This battle we have been waging for years is one I am afraid we may never win. As we sit here stuck in the middle of what could have/should have been and what we wish to be and reality. Our hands are tied by the cords of "adulthood" wrapped securely around the wrists of a young lady who aged out before her time. Before we could make a lasting difference. If only we had monetary resources that had no limits we could have her in an amazing program in Texas who specializes in teaching young people with bipolar and other mental health issues to live...LIVE successful healthy lives. If you knew Madison and read about this program you would think it was created with her in mind! A focus on Art therapy ~ she is an amazing artist! Equestrian therapy daily! Madison was born to ride horses! It saddens me that a program so successful is only accessible to the wealthy. The monthly tuition for such a program is way more than we even bring in monthly!
Now she is running with a group of people who make poor choices, have no idea what she deals with inside her head and heart, all in the name of claiming freedom.
So today I am leaning on the verse in Isaiah. I am trying not to fear for her safety I am trying to remind myself that she was the daughter of The King of Kings before she was mine. He loves her more than I could ever imagine and I am trusting in Him. Some days it is so very hard....

If one lives long enough, it becomes clear that there are no guarantees in life. There are moments, days and weeks when the lack of control feels overwhelming. This becomes blatantly evident when a loved one is struggling with a chronic illness. Every family walks with joy and pain, blessings and excruciating losses.
Facing these issues is as emotionally painful for me as anyone else around the world, yet my burden is lessened simply because of my deep rooted faith. My daughter lives with bipolar disorder. Sometimes she “has” bipolar disorder and sometimes she “struggles with” bipolar disorder and, yes, sometimes she “suffers” from bipolar disorder. Yet it is still a painful struggle, not only for a person facing a chronic illness every single day, but for those who love him or her. Sadly, my daughter struggles more than she lives. Due in part to attitude, in part to traumas she has suffered over her growing up years.  I, too, have various relationships with her illness. When things are going well I am keenly aware of our incredible blessings. But, when she falls or struggles with new symptoms I find it difficult to count my blessings while fighting the worries that well up from the deepest parts of my heart. When Madison's illness takes her into bumps or twisty-turns or even on roller-coaster rides I struggle against fear, anger and grief. I KNOW in my head that I have no control. There is so much that I can do but also so much that I cannot. I cannot fix it or make it go away. I have tried negotiating with God when my daughter : “Give it to me, Lord. Let me have it. My daughter is young and just beginning her life, she has her whole future ahead of her. I can handle it.” But the answer is always, “No, daughter, I have a plan for her life and for yours as well.” Finally and ultimately I have no choice but to cry then simply accept it and cover her in prayer.
Sometimes all I can do is sit by and just be. Just BE. A concept so very difficult, even beyond my comprehension most days. I am not a sitter or even one who naturally can just "be". It is a skill I try to practice every day. A concept exceedingly tested by the experiences of living with a child who suffers with chronic illness. I try to remind myself that there are positive and wonderful things that have come from this journey. Sometimes they are nearly impossible to remember but so true: honesty, love, deeper friendships and relationship, commitment, strength, humility and patience. I am in awe at the God-granted strength that wells up inside me and allows me to move forward when faced again and again with the incredible pain and worry that comes with this journey. I try to allow myself to embrace the simple joys that I find in the daily walk of life. I try to remember the promises and plans that were laid for me even before I was born. I am learning more every day to trust in His plans. Some day my daughter will learn to live with bipolar and then when the bumps and twisty turns and roller coasters hit she will be strong enough to stand through those trials. For now, it is my time to sit and just "be" while she falls and figures this journey out....quite possibly the most difficult part of the journey. Watching failures come and knowing the train is going off track and not having the ability to stop it from crashing.

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.

It isn't more complicated than that.

It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,

without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

-Sylvia Boorstein

and so it goes....

I have refrained from writing about Madison for several months now. Not a very good testament to my blog title but necessary to life flowing in a smoother fashion. Who am I kidding? smooth does not exist in the life of a parent trying to parent a child who is now an adult before her time and has mental illness to boot. Smooth? we learn to navigate rocky roads better but smooth roads are foreign to me.
It is true that she is good at putting on her social suit and show the world around her that she is fabulous. It is also true that things are not fabulous. It gets increasingly more difficult to stand and watch the facade. To see the different people she can become in different settings and places.
In the past couple days I have moved through many emotions and thoughts. I have been frustrated, worried, concerned and even angry for a while now. Then I was asked to sit in on an eval yesterday. Eye Opening. WOW! Then sadness filled the spaces where frustration had lived. And the thought occurred to me. This is as good as it gets. She is fully capable of putting on a mask for each situation and getting by for a time. Then when the mask begins to slip so does she. And then she cuts loose and moves on, leaving confusion in her dust. I feel sorry for the friends who do not know or understand. I feel sorry for the great amazing people who try to come along side and help but out of great misunderstanding they do not understand nor do the have the ability to grasp the magnitude of who she is.
More than anything I want her to be successful, happy and healthy. But I was forced yesterday into a situation where I had look her future straight in the eye. Words form the past came flowing through my mind. A wonderful doctor who was by far the very best I have ever worked with said to me her success will be just that, success. It may not ever be the success I dream of for her as my beautiful daughter. So I need to allow myself the opportunity to mourn the loss of my dreams and accept the reality and celebrate in her success. I was grateful for that memory.
Yesterday our road became rocky again. The voices are back. I have suspected for some time now but the confirmation came last night when they became angry and so commanding that they were no longer background voices but loud and demanding. I tried with everything I have with all the training I have received and all the practice from years past to talk her through to help her quiet them. I sent her to paint while I cleaned up dinner dishes. Then she began to cry out. "MOMMY HELP ME!!! I cant stop."
and in that one moment I knew.
I went to her room and found her rocking in her bed screaming crying....razor dismantled in one hand blood covering her wrist on the other. and so we begin again. I sat. she cried. I held. she cried. I was silent. she cried. I PRAYED and I cried.
1:1 is the prescription for now. She may not be alone. I sat on the couch next to her all night and watched her sleep. So peaceful. So unfair that in her sleep last night peace could fill her yet in her waking hours such torment could control her. I dozed off and on and woke in fits of fear that I had fallen asleep and possibly missed keeping her safe. I was never more grateful for day break and a cup of coffee as I was today.
Today the mania is setting in. I wonder how long this will last. Will we have many nights now with no sleep? I have talked to school and will again, Sara made a special appointment for this afternoon. I continue to pray. This time around seems different on my side. Maybe because of yesterdays newly revealed truths....maybe because I am at peace. Maybe both. I don't know.
I was reading this morning from a blog of a mother whom I consider a mentor even though we have never met. never even spoken. Her daughter is bipolar as well. her daughter is older than mine and they have been through many of the same things as we have. She is a wise woman. Her words were right on for me today. she said: the following is copied from her blog~
Remember, during a crisis act like a thermostat, not like a thermometer.
This is one of the many things I try to share with my graduate students during the class I teach on emotional, behavioral and mental health conditions. Many of the graduate students are also parents and have told me that the suggestion of acting like a thermostat rather than a thermometer is also helpful to them in their homes. This analogy means staying level when your child’s emotions are running wild. Instead, we often act like a thermometer, responding to the distress by heightening our own emotions in response.

This response is called “mirroring”. We have a neural “wi-fi” in our brains that is deeply affected by the actions and behaviors of others. Have you ever noticed that when a discussion gets loud or heated you can change the volume of another person by merely lowering your voice and slowing your speech? The frontal lobe of our brain is the “high road”, working with logic and impulse control and it doesn’t fully develop until the MID-TWENTIES!! The “low road” is, in fact, located down low in our brain and it is the “fight, flight or freeze” part of the brain as well as the master of mirroring. When kids are in stress and their behaviors are strong and negative, adults will mirror those behaviors unless the brain is trained to do otherwise.

Example of mirroring:

1. Stressful event occurs (frustration, failure) which activates the child’s (or adolescent’s) irrational beliefs (adults are unfair, nothing good ever happens to me).
2. These negative thoughts trigger the child’s feelings.
3. Feelings rather than rational thinking drive the child’s inappropriate behavior.
4. Inappropriate behavior (yelling, threatening, refusing to speak) provoke adults.
5. Adults don’t only pick up on this behavior but mirror the behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6. This negative reaction increases the child’s stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating power struggle.
7. Although the child may well lose the battle there is no winner. The irrational beliefs the child had in the first place (nothing good ever happens to me) are reinforced and she or he has no motivation to change or alter beliefs or behaviors.
Children and adolescents must be taught to take the high road. Adults must remember to take the high road.
Stay a "thermostat" even though it is hard. Don’t be a "thermometer" and fluctuate with the temperature around you. Try to:

1. Use “I” messages (less threatening, less likely to promote aggression, good modeling of an honest exchange, interrupts power struggles and releases stress in a healthy way).
2. Step out of the conflict if you feel yourself mirroring. Tell the child you do want to talk to them and can when you are both calmer.
3. Encourage the child to take a break and practice self-calming techniques.
4. Listen carefully for what is not being said (decoding) and try to respond to underlying concern with I messages.

I personally know how difficult this can be, particularly when you are exhausted and it doesn’t seem to get any better. Hopefully these suggestions are helpful or a reminder of things you already know. Find time to take care of yourself. Take a walk, join a book club, do yoga, meditate, stay close to friends, find a group or organization that can support your spiritual side, find time to talk to you partner about something other than your child or adolescent, garden or go to a park or conservatory, pet an animal, write in your journal, and enjoy a small pocket of peace wherever you find it. Remember to breathe.

Thank you Cinda! Your words and wisdom were needed today!!