Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops.....at all.(Emily Dickinson)

Last night I could not sleep. I was worried because Madison was not sleeping. She had a busy and emotional day and I was worried so I sat up on the computer until the wee hours. One of my dear friends, Deb, was also on line because she was sitting in the ER with her son. Deb is one of those friends that you know is always there. You pray for her, she prays for you yet you rarely have the time to sit and visit. Last night was one of those rare moments when we were able to chat. I am so grateful for the time because the words she shared with me touched me deeply and forced me to alter my thoughts. Which is a good thing! She hesitated to share because I think she didnt want to hurt my feelings. Which brought to mind the song "Say" by John Mayer. I needed to hear what Deb had to say and I am so thankful she was brave enough to share. I had no idea Deb reads my blog after reading it yesterday she felt she needed to share this with me~
D~ I thought about something our pastor's husband said once when he was preaching. He was saying what if our calling is exactly where we are right now and what if we lived our life as if this is exactly where God intended for us to be.
What if instead of figuring out what lesson you were supposed to be learning with Madison, what if God simply put this plan together for you to be her Mom, her advocate, her protector. What if it's the lessons she's learning and this is exactly where God is intending for you to be.
The "what if" of this moment hung all night in the hallways of my heart and bounced about in my thoughts. What if Deb is right. What if this is part of my calling? What if God planned it exactly like this all along? What if this is less about me and more about a beautiful daughter and her journey? 
I know I will be pondering these "what ifs" a lot in the coming days.
Thanks Deb for caring enough to listen when you were promplted to tell me what your thoughts were. I needed to hear your words and the words of that man.

All Stars

Elijah was chosen to play on the SEP All Star Baseball team this year. This is a first for him. At first he was nervous and a little scared. Practices started last Monday and have been nearly every day since. He is much more relaxed now and getting excited for the games to begin. The coach has been great. Real encouraging to the boys and building their strengths and identifying places where they need a little work. Lij has even enjoyed all the drills. Baseball is his love! Today will be their last practice.
Tomorrow is the first game. We travel to Polk City, then Ankeny on Wednesday, Runnells (home) on Thursday, and finally Story City on Friday. We will be busy putting miles on the van for baseball this week. I am super excited to see him play. Win or Lose I know Elijah is happiest on that ball field doing what he loves most. For a 10 year old boy does it get any better? summer, sun, baseball. I don't think so!

Have you ever felt like your life was a living coaster. High highs, low lows, random loop-d-loops, flips and corkscrews?
I try so hard to pray, do my devotions, read my bibe, treat others like I WANT to be treated, be a blessing to others, put others first. I TRY to be a good example. I try to show love and Be love....I do not want to experience roller coaster living. So why then, am I on this perpetual coaster? Why can I not find the exit? Even worse than being on a perpetual coaster without any control of my own is the fact that I am on this coaster alone. I want off. What lesson am I supposed to be learning?? Someone please tell me what lesson I am supposed to be learning so I can learn it and get off.
High: when I arrived at TC to pick up Madison on Thursday afternoon I had to meet with the director. I was nervous and praying I would be a blessing and not allow any of my negative feelings show in this meeting. When she shared with me how much she appreciated my parenting and ability to support TC and my daughter. Even in the hard times even when I did not completely agree with them I supported and worked with them to help Madison. I appreciated hearing that so much more than Sister Cookie will ever know. Being Madison's Mom has not been an easy journey but I love her!
High: Sister Cookie also weanted me to know that Madison had a couple visitors on Tuesday of last week. Pastor Paul and Pastor Keith! I was blown away! Those 2 men will never know how deeply their visit touched me. That after all this time and all the hurt others caused them that they still remembered my daughter and a promise they had made to me last December. Speechless I was! My life is richly blessed because of the imprints they have left. I am grateful!
Low: certain people who have ignored us and been angry with us and placed judgements on us for the choices that have been made in order to save the life of our Madison have chosen to now suddenly return to church. return to our lives. why? do they really honestly care about us? do they care at all about my other children? i dont believe so. have we heard from them in 15 months? no. have they once called and asked: are you ok? how are you doing? do you need anything? how are the other children doing? NOPE. Do they not realize my heart has been broken and I have been forever changed by the devestating choices we ahve had to make to save her?? no. but Madison returns and suddenly they are in church so they can see her. suddenly they are calling. suddenly they want Madison to come over. to go places. have they thought one time what this will do to Madison? have they done one thing to support Madison on her journey? to change their attitudes? to show any kind of love at all towards my other children? Do they realize the damage that has been caused? the hurt that will be added to what is already there? Do they really care? I dont think so.
I am sad. I am angry. I want to protect ALL of my children. I want ALL of my children to be happy and healthy. I want them to be all that God created them to be, I want them to live the life God chose for them. ALL of them. Dominique all the way down the line to Burrito. Including Madison.
Truth be known....the other children have spent their lives sacrificing for Madison. Lovingly willingly selflessly, giving up time, things and events in order that Madison be OK. Not one of them has ever complained or become bitter. Why? because they love her. I love her. we all love her and all we want is for her to successfully complete this journey of healing. to arrive at the finish line healed. whole. completely!
I have bounced back and forth over the years from feeling deeply hurt at their feelings actions and attitudes toward me, to not caring at all, to trying desperately to make it right in any way I can. I look back over the past 15 years and realize it was not me. IT WAS NOT ME. I did nothing. and that revelation makes me sad. sad at all my children have lost over nothing. then I move to feeling like I really dont care what they think. I dont care if I ever have to see them again. I dont want them around my children because they have caused enough pain enough hurt enough division. and somewhere along the way someone has to draw a line and say that is enough! If they wont draw it and Scott wont draw then who will? do I continuously forever more allow this to go on and on and on....do I draw the line and prove them all to be correct. after all these years there you have it. they get to be right. it is my choice. in the end. I will chose to protect my children. ALL of them Madison included. and for now. she needs to be protected. madison has made great progress. she is not done yet. she still has some miles left to travel.
We all have miles left to travel. I have a lesson I need to learn somewhere in the middle of all this mess. I just wish I could find a clue so I could learn it and move past this coaster part of life and on to the kind of life I wish to live. one that would be life giving and blessing to others.
If only they would see what has happened. If only an apology would arrive and then forgiveness and healing for all could take place. I am deeply sorry I am not the person they wish I were. But I am who God created me to be. I am trying to listen to my Father and follow His direction. I ahve made mistakes along the way. I ahve hurt people. I have apologized and asked forgiveness. I can not do any more than that. The rest is up to God.
I wish I didn't have to travel this journey alone. I wish more than anything that I could learn my lesson and get off this coaster.

Busy times abound!
Visits have been stepped up for Little E! YAY!! We are moving forward in a possitive direction and it is very exciting!
My traveleing boy arrived home Monday, was home for a hot 2 hours. Enough time to repack, get a haircut, shower and eat. He is staying in town now so we will not get to see him as much. Lij is very sad about that! Lij has always had a special bond with Dom like none of the other kids.
Tomorrow I make the road trip to pick up Madison. Thankfully I recieved some sermon CDs in the mail yesterday from pastor matt. I am really looking forward to listening to them!
Isaiah is still doing PT twice a week and excersises at home 3 times a day. He loved Lego camp and is saving money to buy a Lego Robot! He has been a life saver around here so far this summer helping me out a lot!!
Elijah finished regular ball season and was invited to play on the All Star Team. This is his first invitation and he is super excited! He has had ball practice every night this week and the games begin next week! They play 5 days straight, if they do well enough then they move onto districts. We will see what the next 2 weeks holds. I am praying for nice 80 degree weather with a lovely breeze and no rain!
Amaris has been reading up a storm, and playing out doors every chance she gets!
Samuel has been on the onry side, BUT, what else is new HUH?? LOL Sam is beginning to like base ball and golf which is a nice new thing for him. He has never shown any interest in any sport before now so we will have to see where this new thing leads us.
Zephan is well. he is in trouble all the time, he is our escape artists and LOVES LOVES to be out doors. We have had to install locks way at the top of ewach door just to keep him in!
I have been busy trying to kick off Dropz of Hope school supply drive. We are in need of back packs, supplies, sneaker vouchers and free hair cuts for 78 children!!! Last year we did 40 we have grown copnsiderably this year! I am doing part time day care for the summer, this has been an adjustment for me since I have not done day care since Isaiah had his first surgery. Poor Amaris is still the only girl around here. I swear I can't get girls from anywhere.
Summer is here and we are trying to squeeze as much fun in as possible. It hardly seems right that this is 4th of July weekend already!!
Be safe everyone!

panic attack

Have you ever had a panic attack? Not me. Never. I have known people who have had them. I have witnessed one or two. But actually had one explode within the walls of my chest? Nope. Well until Saturday night that is.
I was driving. alone. and the enormity of our situation began to dance about in my mind. I began to play with it. flip it around in a dance of what if this or thats. I was driving west on army post road. watching the clouds mingle with the darkening night sky. no thought provoked the events that were soon to unfold. I am still not sure what happened. the hows or whys. I just know that it did. I was scared. and alone.
suddenly i felt my heart begin to race this crazy beat that beat irradically and way too fast. I became hot and flushed and sweaty on the brow. I felt like I could not catch my breath yet I could not tell if it was from the asthma or what ever was happening to my body. I slowed the van and pulled to shoulder of the road. Where I became completely convinced I was having a heart attack. I knew this idea was silly but could not shake these feelings and odd things my body was doing to me.
I held my phone and flipped through the contacts wanting to reach out to someone but put the phone away instead. eventually the symptoms passed and I was super thankful I had not called 911 or anything crazy like that. I pulled back onto the road and headed on my way. As I drove I thought alot about what had just happened and I knew what it was. panic attack.
The stress of all this Madison business is getting to me. If it wasnt bad enough that Teen Challenge decided unexpectedly to discharge her due to her age, they sent us an email last week informing us that the entire center will be closing due to financial difficulties ALL girls will need to be picked up no later than 4pm on Saturday July 3. This comes after a promise to allow Madison to stay until August 1. I understand financial difficulties. What I do not understand is disguising the truth with excuses. Why could they not have been more forthcoming throughout all of this? If they had been honest with us in December about age and money we would of had the opportunity to step in and move Madison to a more appropriate setting where she could have continued her treatment and not had too many disruptions. If they had been honest with us all along we would have made different decisions all the way around. I do not regret sending her. I still believe it was the right thing to do at that time. I believe in Teen Challenge as a whole program I really do I am just disappointed in the way this program has chosen to operate. Now my daughters life literally hangs in the balance.
Madison is still too fragile to be home. to be exposed to certain people and situations will most assuredly cause her to regress. I am traveling on Thursday to pick her up and bring her home. I spoke with her last night. I am more and more convinced she is NOT ready. She has decided she no longer wants to go to Freedom for youth. She has already fallen back into the old manipulations of if you wont, if you don't, if you say no then I will ask Papa. I am no longer strong enough to do this. I can not be over ridden one more time. I DO pray over my daughter. I DO love her. WE make decisions we believe are in her BEST interest. We do NOT make flippant off the cuff choices for her. This journey is agony. AGONY. that is a harsh word but truly fits. I do not sleep. I have panic attacks. All because I am afraid of making the wrong decision for her life. The last thing I need right now in my own fragile state is to be judged or over ridden because they do not agree.
I am scared to bring her home. I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from herself. I am afraid of what this will do to all of us. I want more than anything for Madison to be healthy happy and live life just like her peers....the fact is she can't and that hurts but it is true.
Please pray for me. I really need prayer.

Community Partnership for Protecting Children

dumb date stamp!!!!

Saturday I took all my monsters (minus Big Elijah who wanted to watch the championship game for his league in baseball) along with my friend nita and her kiddos down town to the Polk County Convention Center where the Community Partnership for Protecting Children held its first celebration and information fest. They had spin art frisbees, inflateables, rock wall, entertainment, and tons fo information for families and resources! It was a fun day. I won free pool passes (which I gave to little E's family since they live in Des Moines and I don't) and I also won 4 ticket to the IMAX which I kept and hope to use soon!! We had a great time! Of course Burrito had to be unruly and downright mean at times but all in all it was a fun day!

please ignore the date stamps on the photos...UGH!

Last night ended the season of Runnells Black. These boys had an amazing season! I am so proud of all the boys! We played 14 regular season games. With 9 wins and 5 losses. I must say these boys have shown excellent sportsmanship all season. I am so proud of each one of them for the dedication, hard work and great attitudes. We entered into Rally Days (our leagues version of a tournament) #5 seed so we played day 1 against 4 mile with a win we moved on to game 2 in Bondurant on Tuesday. The temperature at game time was 96 degrees with a heat index of 106. It was HOT! Our coaches took good care of our boys making sure they drank tons of water and had wet cool towels in between innings. What an intense game this was! But our boys pulled it off with a few awesome plays and great hits! Nice Job boys! we moved on to game 3 (if we won game 3 we moved onto the final Championship game if we lost we were done). Again we were at Bondurant. We had to face a team that has been undefeated the entire season our boys fought hard! The game was close and intense! The weather was a bit cooler and we had a slight breeze. But in the end we lost. I have to say, it is an awesome feeling to have the umpire approach you when the game is over and tell you the your boys your TEAM was the best example of good sportsmanship he had seen ALL SEASON! That is what is important isn't it? Teaching our kids to win and to lose with grace? On a side note....This could have been a disaster for us considering one of Elijah's good buddies Andrew played on the opposing team. I must brag just a little here....Elijah packed up all his gear walked over to the other dugout and waited for them to get done celebrating. When Andrew came out of the dugout he gave him a high five and a hug and told him congratulations on a great game and even asked if he could come watch Andrew play the Championship game on Saturday morning!! I could not have been more proud of Elijah than I was in that moment!! I know it was hard to lose so close to the final tournament game. And to lose to your buddies team had to be difficult as well. But Elijah rose to the occasion and proved his true heart through his great character! Lij I am so very proud of you! You are AMAZING!!! I love you tons!!