Wednesday, June 9, 2010
photo for Flip
Monday, June 7, 2010
I did it. and I'm glad its over!
I pondered the night over and over and over again. Envisioning how it would play out. Playing different scenarios in my mind. Each time I came back to one thought. I had to go. No question. No matter how difficult it would be. No matter if my head agreed with my heart. I knew it was something that was required as part of my journey.
I watched the clock and felt the adrenalin rising in my system. My heart began to beat beat in irregular rhythms. But I still knew I would go. I tried to talk myself down. Trick myself into believing this would be easy I was imagining myself into a frenzy and it would not possibly be as hard as I was imagining. The minute hand ticked closer and closer then finally passed the time when I should have left. Quietly I slipped out the back door and headed to church. alone. Hearing Burrito screaming for me through the closed up doors and windows nearly made me retreat back into the comforts of my living room chair where I could pretend my presence would matter one way or another. But I forced myself forward. My thoughts took me deep within my head as I drove and watched the minutes ticking by. If I timed it just right I would be able to slip in without anyone noticing. Worship music was flowing into the foyer when I entered, and there was almost no one around. I was so close....when I entered the doors to the sanctuary my eyes met with my friends and I could feel the hot tears fighting for the right to fall. small talk exchanged and she knew. I know she knew my apprehension was evident and my pain visible as I told her I was going to find a corner in which to hide. I made my way across the back of the sanctuary looking for the right place to sit finding nothing down below I headed for the balcony and found myself one of 5 or 6 people sitting up there. Settling into my seat bracing myself for the events of the evening. Feeling a multitude of feelings. Pride. sorrow. joy. pain. loss grief. all these mingled together like a well orchestrated dance. Who knew one person could feel so many emotions all at one time.
I listened and pretended my beautiful daughter was sitting on that front row with all the other beaming graduates. remembering the Sunday evening 2 years ago when it was Dominique standing before us, shy and apprehensive. As they began to call the graduates forth the first name should have been Albers but instead was Berry. the tears began to flow. silently at first then as if a flood gate was released I was consumed with tears that could not be quieted a couple little sobs even escaped. I could feel the heat of my pain welling up inside my chest through my neck and into my head where a steady pound pound pounding began to beat. I nearly slipped out the back door and ran home but I knew I needed to stay. I needed to be a part of this moment. No matter how deeply it hurt. I tried to imagine what color dress she would have chosen, would she have worn her hair curly like Cort or straightened....heels or shiny flats? What would her advice to future grads be? I thought in one moment of clarity....she is not dead. she is in treatment. Its not like I will never see her again. Why is this so painful. It is a pain that actually turned into a physical pain. A pain that was so great I could hold it in my hand and I could even describe it in vivid color if asked to.
I know why. Although Madison is healing and making positive steps towards her future. Something I am proud of and so grateful for....these moments. senior year. senior pictures. prom. missions trips. winter formal. going out with friends. Girls Only Graduate. cap and gown. graduate recognition night. fine arts. All these things I had looked forward to and dreamed of sharing with my daughter since she was small. All these dreams are lost. Faded into the blur of the past 2 years of pain and ugliness that were stolen from her from me from us. Moments that will never be retrieved. Moments that come along once in a life time. As I watched and listened to all the accomplishments of the grads it settled in around my heart that these moments were fleeing from my grasp. I wanted to run after them capture them put them all in my pocket and wait until she is healed and whole then press the play button so she wouldn't miss a thing.
Then the thought occurred to me. I am the only person here who knows she is supposed to be here and is missing. MISSING! a HUGE part of this group is gone and no one noticed but me. this thought was both confirmed and denied several times throughout the rest of the evening. Some people looked through me as if they didn't see me standing there. One young lady was walking in my direction until she saw my and turned 180 degrees to avoid my presence. 2 different people asked why is it so hard for you I dont understand.
Although all those moments increased my pain. It was the one person who asked How is Madison? The couple who offered unconditional love and understanding because they really do know and understand because they too have walked a similar walk as I. The friend who saw me alone in the balcony and took a chance to see if I was OK offered silence and a prayer. The friend who told me she misses Madison too. Cort who knows how much I love her and how very proud I am of the amazing friend she is and continues to be for Madison. For Laura because Laura loves Madison with the heart of a mother and didn't even get upset that I cried for my daughter on her daughters very special day. Even after I promised myself I wouldn't. and for Trudy for praying and knowing I needed a friend.
As I left the celebration I still felt all those crazy different emotions all mixed up together. I was exhausted from the tears and the pain was still heavy within my heart. BUT I am still glad I went. I am proud of this group of kids One in particular more than the rest. But Cort is special to me and always will be.
I am so thankful graduation season is coming to a close. I attended 2 open houses. Cort's and My Nephews. I couldn't bare to attend another. I am so sorry to those I missed. It is not that I don't love and care about you. It is not that I am not proud. It is and always will be because I see my beautiful daughters shadow where her presence should be and honestly I just can't handle that right now.
I watched the clock and felt the adrenalin rising in my system. My heart began to beat beat in irregular rhythms. But I still knew I would go. I tried to talk myself down. Trick myself into believing this would be easy I was imagining myself into a frenzy and it would not possibly be as hard as I was imagining. The minute hand ticked closer and closer then finally passed the time when I should have left. Quietly I slipped out the back door and headed to church. alone. Hearing Burrito screaming for me through the closed up doors and windows nearly made me retreat back into the comforts of my living room chair where I could pretend my presence would matter one way or another. But I forced myself forward. My thoughts took me deep within my head as I drove and watched the minutes ticking by. If I timed it just right I would be able to slip in without anyone noticing. Worship music was flowing into the foyer when I entered, and there was almost no one around. I was so close....when I entered the doors to the sanctuary my eyes met with my friends and I could feel the hot tears fighting for the right to fall. small talk exchanged and she knew. I know she knew my apprehension was evident and my pain visible as I told her I was going to find a corner in which to hide. I made my way across the back of the sanctuary looking for the right place to sit finding nothing down below I headed for the balcony and found myself one of 5 or 6 people sitting up there. Settling into my seat bracing myself for the events of the evening. Feeling a multitude of feelings. Pride. sorrow. joy. pain. loss grief. all these mingled together like a well orchestrated dance. Who knew one person could feel so many emotions all at one time.
I listened and pretended my beautiful daughter was sitting on that front row with all the other beaming graduates. remembering the Sunday evening 2 years ago when it was Dominique standing before us, shy and apprehensive. As they began to call the graduates forth the first name should have been Albers but instead was Berry. the tears began to flow. silently at first then as if a flood gate was released I was consumed with tears that could not be quieted a couple little sobs even escaped. I could feel the heat of my pain welling up inside my chest through my neck and into my head where a steady pound pound pounding began to beat. I nearly slipped out the back door and ran home but I knew I needed to stay. I needed to be a part of this moment. No matter how deeply it hurt. I tried to imagine what color dress she would have chosen, would she have worn her hair curly like Cort or straightened....heels or shiny flats? What would her advice to future grads be? I thought in one moment of clarity....she is not dead. she is in treatment. Its not like I will never see her again. Why is this so painful. It is a pain that actually turned into a physical pain. A pain that was so great I could hold it in my hand and I could even describe it in vivid color if asked to.
I know why. Although Madison is healing and making positive steps towards her future. Something I am proud of and so grateful for....these moments. senior year. senior pictures. prom. missions trips. winter formal. going out with friends. Girls Only Graduate. cap and gown. graduate recognition night. fine arts. All these things I had looked forward to and dreamed of sharing with my daughter since she was small. All these dreams are lost. Faded into the blur of the past 2 years of pain and ugliness that were stolen from her from me from us. Moments that will never be retrieved. Moments that come along once in a life time. As I watched and listened to all the accomplishments of the grads it settled in around my heart that these moments were fleeing from my grasp. I wanted to run after them capture them put them all in my pocket and wait until she is healed and whole then press the play button so she wouldn't miss a thing.
Then the thought occurred to me. I am the only person here who knows she is supposed to be here and is missing. MISSING! a HUGE part of this group is gone and no one noticed but me. this thought was both confirmed and denied several times throughout the rest of the evening. Some people looked through me as if they didn't see me standing there. One young lady was walking in my direction until she saw my and turned 180 degrees to avoid my presence. 2 different people asked why is it so hard for you I dont understand.
Although all those moments increased my pain. It was the one person who asked How is Madison? The couple who offered unconditional love and understanding because they really do know and understand because they too have walked a similar walk as I. The friend who saw me alone in the balcony and took a chance to see if I was OK offered silence and a prayer. The friend who told me she misses Madison too. Cort who knows how much I love her and how very proud I am of the amazing friend she is and continues to be for Madison. For Laura because Laura loves Madison with the heart of a mother and didn't even get upset that I cried for my daughter on her daughters very special day. Even after I promised myself I wouldn't. and for Trudy for praying and knowing I needed a friend.
As I left the celebration I still felt all those crazy different emotions all mixed up together. I was exhausted from the tears and the pain was still heavy within my heart. BUT I am still glad I went. I am proud of this group of kids One in particular more than the rest. But Cort is special to me and always will be.
I am so thankful graduation season is coming to a close. I attended 2 open houses. Cort's and My Nephews. I couldn't bare to attend another. I am so sorry to those I missed. It is not that I don't love and care about you. It is not that I am not proud. It is and always will be because I see my beautiful daughters shadow where her presence should be and honestly I just can't handle that right now.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
thank you
Joslyn sent this to me in an e-mail....I absolutely needed to read it and i think you all should read it too~
I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until you answer my prayers and meet my most urgent needs;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I am thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.
I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until you answer my prayers and meet my most urgent needs;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I am thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I can hardly believe that tomorrow is the last day of this school year! After the summer I will have all kids in school at least part time. Burrito will be attending a special preschool every morning next year! We are looking into a small christian school for Isaiah, he is actually excited about the thought, the only thing that will hold us back is the tuition. It sounds small but for a family this size it is huge. $200 month plus curriculum fee and uniform (the only thing he is not thrilled about). We are exploring options so pray for us that we make the right decision for him!
On our plate this summer will be Pow-wow, Powette, camp, baseball winding down, Gramma's 90th birthday celebration, meetings and another court date for our new little guy, 3 weddings, a visit from a CA cousin, Lego Robotics mini camp, Physical therapy twice a week, daycare 3 days a week, cooking class, summer reading programs, and tons of fun in the sun! I am hoping to fit a visit to MO to see Joy! You have no idea how much I wish I was traveling EAST again! I miss my East coast family!!
Dominique will be traveling with the band through the beginning of July and is hoping to find employment when he returns.
Finally.....I am in need of boxes, boxes and more boxes! I am in the process of simplifying our household and need boxes to pack up the items we no longer need. I will be donating everything to a wonderful lady Ruby who runs an amazing ministry! So, if you have a plethera of boxes you would not mind parting with forever please give me a holler!
On our plate this summer will be Pow-wow, Powette, camp, baseball winding down, Gramma's 90th birthday celebration, meetings and another court date for our new little guy, 3 weddings, a visit from a CA cousin, Lego Robotics mini camp, Physical therapy twice a week, daycare 3 days a week, cooking class, summer reading programs, and tons of fun in the sun! I am hoping to fit a visit to MO to see Joy! You have no idea how much I wish I was traveling EAST again! I miss my East coast family!!
Dominique will be traveling with the band through the beginning of July and is hoping to find employment when he returns.
Finally.....I am in need of boxes, boxes and more boxes! I am in the process of simplifying our household and need boxes to pack up the items we no longer need. I will be donating everything to a wonderful lady Ruby who runs an amazing ministry! So, if you have a plethera of boxes you would not mind parting with forever please give me a holler!
more on Madison
I have been searching searching searching for the next step of our journey to Madison's healing. I have found amazing places....in other states! Sadly that wont help us. I have been working on a place here in the area, but they are having concerns and questioning whether they should accept her into their program. I have been placed on wait lists some 18 months long some 3 years long. I have found a back up plan, which would be my first plan if only it were in our fair state! They have agreed to take her, the problem is that if we agree to take her there she will lose all her wait list slots, all her medical insurance, and any services she might be eligible to receive. So what do I do? Our deadline had been moved from June 1 to July 1 for discharge from TC. I received word last night that we have been given the gift of another 30 days! I am ever so grateful for more time. More time is a wonderful blessing. It means I have more time to search and find the answer, it means Madison has more time to make more progress towards her goal of graduation from high school and the program. More time is truly a gift I will not take for granted.
IF you took the time to know me, to really know my heart, you would find a woman who loves completely and dedicates her life to making a difference in the lives of children. You would find a woman who loves life and feels life intensely. You would find a woman who loves God with all her heart and loves ALL of her children too. If you only took the time to know me you just might like the woman you meet.
It saddens me deeply that after 15 years you have never taken the time to look, never taken the time to see, never taken the time to love me or allow me to love you back. Do you know the loss and voids you have created? Do you realize what you have missed out on?
I have 7 of the MOST AMAZING children on earth and you have missed out on their childhoods. They don't know you. The memories I always dreamed my children would have of an close loving family filled with cousins aunts uncles and grandparents are never to be realized. My children are amazing creatures and I am so very proud of them. I often ponder reasons why you would step out of our lives. I have asked why and asked for forgiveness of any offense I may have caused. The answer is always the same. I can not make this right, I can not buy back the time my children have lost with their family. I am saddened by the loss. Saddened that as they grow older they feel the same unwelcome feeling when we are all together that I have felt for years. I am saddened that they say to me "I wish I knew ____ better. It sure would be a lot more fun!" I wish I had answers to their many questions of why we are never included in family outings BBQ's and events.
I am thankful that my family opened their arms wide and have welcomed each addition as if they were meant to be in our family (and each one IS meant to be!) I am thankful for friends, old and new, who love my children as if they belong to them. I have realized over the years that family is not so much blood bonds but more heart bonds. I am thankful for those. I am blessed by Mothers who are not really my mother, sisters who are not my sister, fathers who stand in the gap of where my Daddy should be, grandparents aunts and uncles who will always love on my children no matter what.
If only you'd have taken the time.....I think you just might think my family is pretty amazing. Others have taken the time and they agree!
It saddens me deeply that after 15 years you have never taken the time to look, never taken the time to see, never taken the time to love me or allow me to love you back. Do you know the loss and voids you have created? Do you realize what you have missed out on?
I have 7 of the MOST AMAZING children on earth and you have missed out on their childhoods. They don't know you. The memories I always dreamed my children would have of an close loving family filled with cousins aunts uncles and grandparents are never to be realized. My children are amazing creatures and I am so very proud of them. I often ponder reasons why you would step out of our lives. I have asked why and asked for forgiveness of any offense I may have caused. The answer is always the same. I can not make this right, I can not buy back the time my children have lost with their family. I am saddened by the loss. Saddened that as they grow older they feel the same unwelcome feeling when we are all together that I have felt for years. I am saddened that they say to me "I wish I knew ____ better. It sure would be a lot more fun!" I wish I had answers to their many questions of why we are never included in family outings BBQ's and events.
I am thankful that my family opened their arms wide and have welcomed each addition as if they were meant to be in our family (and each one IS meant to be!) I am thankful for friends, old and new, who love my children as if they belong to them. I have realized over the years that family is not so much blood bonds but more heart bonds. I am thankful for those. I am blessed by Mothers who are not really my mother, sisters who are not my sister, fathers who stand in the gap of where my Daddy should be, grandparents aunts and uncles who will always love on my children no matter what.
If only you'd have taken the time.....I think you just might think my family is pretty amazing. Others have taken the time and they agree!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Iowa City
Yesterday morning I dropped the 2 two's off at Nita's house then Sam, Amaris and I headed to Iowa City to the Disabilities and Behavior Clinics. We have been struggling a long time with behaviors and some other issues. When we realized these struggles were not unique to home but presented everywhere the children went: school, church etc. We consulted with a post adoption specialist whom we met at the IFAPA conference this Spring. Brian has turned out to be a diamond in the rough for me. He is an amazing person, full of resources, ideas and the best supporter and cheerleader EVER!! His recommendation was to contact Iowa City clinics. So I did. The process has taken a while to play out but I am so pleased we chose to do this. I feel better equipped now to help the children reach their full potential both at hoe and out in their world.
Both children were amazingly good on the ride out to the clinics (3 hours due to a detour from road construction). We arrived 15 minutes early, checked in, and were promptly taken care of. Samuel was assigned to a male psychologist and Amaris to a female. Both docs took me into a conference room first while the children played in a play room and watched cartoons. We talked about history family history (of which we have little) and what is currently going on with both children. Then they took the children.
One of the many great things about the clinics was that they had read all the records we had sent in prior to our visit, the school reports, health histories etc. Both docs had notes of questions they wanted clarified. Then they based all the testing on the preliminary results of the evaluations we all had filled out. This way the children did not have to suffer through unnecessary testing.
When they were done about 2 hours later give or take a few minutes the docs scored all the tests. Then Sam's doc came to get me. We went into a little room where he had been working with Sam and we went over all the tests and he shared with me what he thinks is going on with Sam. About half way through our conference the doc for Amaris joined us and shared all her findings. I can not tell you how good it felt to sit there in that room and actually get feed back and answers right then. With Madison we have always had to wait days and sometimes months for answers and in the mean time they always would give her medications to hold us over. Not so here. They gave me diagnosis for both children and recommendations for what we should do next. So, not only do we have names for what is going on but also understanding for what it all means and a plan of action to take in order to improve their over all performances every where!!
I have to say I was surprised by some of what I was told and down right shocked at others. But overall. I left there feeling encouraged and empowered to fight for their best chance at the best life ever!
I would absolutely do this again if I had the need and I desperately wish we would have had this opportunity for Madison when she was little. Can you imagine the difference it would have made.....
Love you all!!
Ang
Both children were amazingly good on the ride out to the clinics (3 hours due to a detour from road construction). We arrived 15 minutes early, checked in, and were promptly taken care of. Samuel was assigned to a male psychologist and Amaris to a female. Both docs took me into a conference room first while the children played in a play room and watched cartoons. We talked about history family history (of which we have little) and what is currently going on with both children. Then they took the children.
One of the many great things about the clinics was that they had read all the records we had sent in prior to our visit, the school reports, health histories etc. Both docs had notes of questions they wanted clarified. Then they based all the testing on the preliminary results of the evaluations we all had filled out. This way the children did not have to suffer through unnecessary testing.
When they were done about 2 hours later give or take a few minutes the docs scored all the tests. Then Sam's doc came to get me. We went into a little room where he had been working with Sam and we went over all the tests and he shared with me what he thinks is going on with Sam. About half way through our conference the doc for Amaris joined us and shared all her findings. I can not tell you how good it felt to sit there in that room and actually get feed back and answers right then. With Madison we have always had to wait days and sometimes months for answers and in the mean time they always would give her medications to hold us over. Not so here. They gave me diagnosis for both children and recommendations for what we should do next. So, not only do we have names for what is going on but also understanding for what it all means and a plan of action to take in order to improve their over all performances every where!!
I have to say I was surprised by some of what I was told and down right shocked at others. But overall. I left there feeling encouraged and empowered to fight for their best chance at the best life ever!
I would absolutely do this again if I had the need and I desperately wish we would have had this opportunity for Madison when she was little. Can you imagine the difference it would have made.....
Love you all!!
Ang
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