mother

On July 20 my Mother fell in her back yard. In the fall she received a double compound fracture of her left wrist and broke 5 bones in her right hand also dislocated 3 fingers in the right hand. She spent about a week in the hospital before having surgery to repair both. She now has plates in her left wrist and several pins in her right hand. Mother moved to rehab which turned out to be an awful nursing home while Philip and I renovated a room in my house for her to move into while she recovers. We brought her home to my house and I have been caring for her since.
We went back to the surgeon for the 2nd follow up this last week. He scheduled her next surgery for Isaiah's birthday to remove the pins. Once the pins have been removed her rehab and PT should take off and she should mend more quickly from there.
It has been crazy busy around here juggling her recovery, the end of summer, Dropz of Hope, visitiong Madison and everything else. There have been a few generous people from Mothers church who have helped here and there with a couple meals transport to therapy when I was busy and sitting with her while Zephan had surgery to repair his hernia.
She is gaining some independance each day. And Steve (who by the way was Isaiahs therapist) is AWESOME working with her!!
Maybe by the frst of October Mother will be fully recovered.
Thanks to everyone for all your prayers!!

Before you begin reading todays entry, remember a few months ago I decided to be transparent here. Honestly, I am not really looking for approval or disapproval of my thoughts. I write to help myself organize the chaos that swirls about in my mind.
I have been dreading our trip to visit Madison. Mostly because of the way she acts when she is allowed her calls. Madison is one way with me and a different way with her dad. She is still manipulating the system and I am weary. It is difficult for me because I have been dealing with this side of Madison for years and for all of that time people have judged me, made assumptions, and quite honestly hurt me so deeply that there are days I wonder if my heart will ever be whole again. That said....I know I have done everything I possibly can to help and not to hurt Madison. I have only one regret....that I wasn't able to reach her here...at home.
I am going to write my journal entries from Saturday and today here...
August 15, 2009/ August 16. 2009
Here we are. Standing at the crest of our journey. Our journey to visit our lost lamb for the first time in 3 months. My insides are a mass of tangled emotions. How I have missed her beautiful freckled face and sweet smile. yet...how much I dread those cold and hostile eyes. I fear that as much as I have been told she is beginning to improve (in small ways)~it is but a facade~ a shield she is using to elevate herself to a place of accomplishment without having made any necessary change to get there. The way she speaks to me tells me nothing has changed. She has fooled her way into the next level. and I am weary. tired. exhausted. afraid.
Each mile that draws us closer increases the pounding intensity of my heart. The desire to turn and around and return home grows stronger than my desire to hold her in my arms. How terrible a mother I am feeling this way about her child.
There is a lump forming in the base of my throat. The beat of my heart quickens and I make a feeble attempt at calming myself. As we draw nearer I feel a queasiness rising up from the pit of my stomach and settling in my throat. Tears burning behind my eyes begging to be released. I must find a way to gather my senses. Make the best of the day....LORD, please...fill me with Your peace...I need it today!
We sat through the family meeting. I tried to listen and learn but my attentions were divided between the distraction of the other parents and my unruly children who were supposed to be sitting quietly in the back of the room occupying themselves with the various activities I packed for them. The Burrito sneaks up and throws an action figure right past my nose and hits the person sitting in front of me...this is not going well...in the midst of all this, it is 96 degrees out doors today and we are in a very old building that has NO AIR CONDITIONING!! sweat. anxiety. frustration. none of which added together equals a good attention span or capacity for learning. I understand that a lot of different variables come into a life and family that brings them to a place like Teen Challenge...however, not all of us ignored our children. Not all of us were too soft and indulging and allowed our children too much freedom...some of us have been crying out for help for years, banging our heads up against walls with no ears and no answers. Some of us simply have children who have wills much stronger than any boundary any parent could put around them. Some of us searched for help and answers for our children and simply could not find them...NUFF SAID on that!!
Meeting ended, Scott turned in the meds I brought and the monthly payment for tuition. While he was taking care of business a staff member brought in the girls who were having visits. She entered the hot room. Embraced each one of the children excitedly introduced them to her staff and "big sister"> I was graced with a casual 'Hi mom, where is Dad?' A few seconds later he returned and she ran into his arms. Thus setting the tone for the day. I tried to draw her in to engage her in warm conversation. But was unsuccessful. I spent the day on the outside looking in. watching. soaking up the moments as they unfolded before my eyes. I waited all day for the time to arrive for her to come to me as she went to her father and the children~the moment never arrived. I prayed for peace to fill my soul. Begging God.
Just once I want to know what it feels like for the voice of my Father in Heaven to breeze across my heart like the gentleness of the wind at the lakeshore breezed across my face in the late afternoon sun. No such moment or feeling arrived. So, I stayed there, on the edge of each moment as a historian records history only the history I am recording is that of my family. In all its raw sadness and spurts of joy.
We played at a beatuiful lake. Found a nice park. I wanted to make sure she had pictures of our day so we visited Target and made pictures. We ended the day at the fountain a block away from TC.
It wasnt until much later. In the wee hours of the night while I lay awake listening to the silence and the small sounds of sleeping people that it occured to me. It did not come in the form of a quiet breeze or even a whisper across my heart. But more of a subtle realization that came in layers. I was lying there thinking of my Dad and his love for roses. I am not really sure why. Then I was pondering the rose. Its exquisite beauty comes wrapped in thorns yet beyonde the thorns of the rose is a grace that takes my breath away. It brought to mind my Father in Heaven. His grace often arrives through thorns and it is those grace thorns that strengthen me. I pondered these thoughts for a moment or two and 2 thoughts arrived simultaneuosly. Just as I felt myself drift off to sleep: I have found a new love for the Rose-and simply stated through the vision of the deep red rose in my mind God reminded me of something-Daughter, My grace is sufficient for you-
When I woke a few short hours later both thoughts were still with me. Not only had they taken root in the deepest corners of my heart but I realized this morning I woke with something new.
Peace.
and I smiled and thanked both my fathers-Daddy for being ever so near through the storms and joys of my life-Father God for answering my prayers exactly the way I needed and not the way I wanted!
Nothing really has changed for my sweet freckled faced daughter. God has His hands upon her and I trust Him to bring her through her storms the same way He continues to carry me...One day when I walk into that hot visit hall I will be the lucky recipient of her warm embrace. I can wait.

a heart is a heart....

My heart melted a little today as I was reminded of a sweet little boy with a huge heart.
Dominique called me this afternoon. We were chatting about his weekend and how some of his DSM buddies were in MD for a show, so he went to hang out. Now the last time he was in Baltimore his car was broken into and the thief stole his GPS. Of course I was nervous. He told me this time his car was not broken into...YAY!!!! However there was a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk right in front of his car. He tapped the man on the shoulder, the man jumped up and tried to fight him. Dominique gave the man $6 and went on his way.
I just love his tender heart. After we hung up and I was thinking about our conversation I remembered him as a little boy of 7. He and I were driving on Interstate 235 heading home from a doctors appointment when he noticed a man sleeping up under the viaduct.
D: "Mommy what is that man doing up there?"
m: "He is sleeping.'
D: "why would a man sleep under the road?"
M: "Some people have no place to sleep like you and I, that is a cool place out of the sun and he is tired."
D: Go back mommy, I want to bring him home with us.
M: honey that is not a good idea. We should pray for him and we could take him some food but we can't bring him home with us.
When we arrived home I heard some moving about and went in to check on him to see what he was up to. His blankets and pillow were all folded neatly by the door and he had shoved his mattress off his bed and was trying with all his might to push it down the hall.
M: Son, what are you doing?
D: I am taking my bed to the man under the road.
M: Dominique that is very sweet of you to think of him but we can't take him your bed.
D: (crying now) Mommy I just want him to have a nice place to sleep.
M: I know son.
Over the years Dominique has been known to give some random person his dinner, or his jacket, or a few dollars even when he doesn't have much for himself.
God created him with such a tender heart...I love that no matter how old he gets that tenderness remains...
PS~I am sure the conversations he and I had were not EXACTLY the way I wrote them...but that is how I remember it.
Moments like these make my heart smile!!

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break,that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder
at the daily miracles of your life, your pain
would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your
heart, even as you have always accepted
the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity
through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided
by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips,
has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter
has moistened with His own sacred tears.


- Kahlil Gibran

As I sit here typing this post out. I am listening to the Burrito (whom I have been contemplating a new name....The Jalapeno...due to his hunger for SPICY salsa!!) I am listening to his sweet breath sounds. soft and gentle. He stirs a bit here and there and lets out a little whimper then quickly settles back into his rhythmic breathing...He looks so sweet lying there sucking even though his thumb fell out long ago. Poor little guy has no idea that bright and early in the morning he will be heading out to the hospital to have his hernia repaired.
I am not familiar with hernias or the process of repairing and healing them. I know that I always hate when one of my children has to have surgery.
So if you think of it say a little prayer for my little Burrito tomorrow. And maybe a little one for me too.

ex·haus·tion (eg zôs′c̸hən, ig-)

noun

1. the act of exhausting
2. the state of being exhausted; esp.,
   1. great fatigue or weariness
   1. the condition of being used up; complete consumption

that is a fair description of how I am feeling. physically. emotionally. even spiritually right now. Do you ever find yourself in a situation where walls seem to be closing in around you on all sides? and it 'feels' as if everyone around you has disappeared. (I know they haven't) but there are times in my life where I just feel alone. even in a crowded room. even when someone is sitting right next to me. alone. according to webster "alone' is the condition of solitude. funny, I liked the word...solitude....it appealed to me....made alone-ness sound a bit...I don't know....happier...then I went to look up the definition of the word 'solitude'...state of being alone...(well ok duh!) then def. #2 a lonely place....hhhmmmm....I guess I don't like the word so much any more. Sometimes in my alone-ness I don't really feel lonely. It feels more like I am not able to relate to those around me. Is my heart so different from everyone elses that I am unable to connect? I have no idea....I know I am not really making any sense today. I am rambling...I apologize for that. I just hate the state I find myself in right now....I am NOT an emotional person....I do not cry or wear my emotions on my sleeve...I just was not made that way. But lately? I feel on the verge of crying all the time. Even a song or a passage of a book brings me to tears....I don't know what to do with it...I am not accustomed to feeling such emotion and honestly....am not likeing it at all. GET A GRIP ANG!!!
I am exhausted.
I am tired in my soul.
this is just a sounding board for me today...trying to collect myself...regroup....order my heart and thoughts...sometimes the journeys I wrote about the other day....are more difficult than we expected. I guess that is my problem today. Tomorrow will be better....

what would you have done?

Today I decided to do a trial run of leaving mother home alone for a couple hours while I went to church. After service I took the Burrito and left not staying for Sunday School. I needed to run real quick into the local grocery store before heading home, I needed milk and a couple other items. The Burrito and I ran in, of course the store was busier than I had anticipated and it took a bit longer than I liked. My cashier girl was young and seemed to be new at the job. I tried to be patient as she trudged through the extremely large order of a rather grouchy older lady. Our turn came and the Burrito charmed her out of a smile. For once I actually had cash to pay, I never carry cash with me not even $5. But today I had cash. She rang up my order, took my cash, and gave me change back. The Burrito threw kisses and we were on our way. Ran out the door loaded the back of the van with the few bags I had purchased, strapped the babe in his car seat, and decided for what reason I am still not sure, to go over my reciept and count my change before leaving the parking lot. Good thing I did. I found that the girl had given me $5 too much in change.
Admittedly, I sat there pondering my circumstances for a few moments. Mother was home alone for longer than I had planned, the Burrito is cranky now and already strapped in his car seat....who would it hurt if I just drove on my way and not look back...then the face of the young girl flashed through my mind and I thought of how she would explain the missing money at the end of her shift, then I thought if that was my daughter I would want someone to be honest...SO...
I got out, unstrapped the Burrito and rushed back into the store, stood back through the line and when my turn arrived I kindly explained what had happened showing her my receipt and the change she had given me. She was in shock, I think she thought I was angry for some reason, I assured her she was not in trouble I just wanted her drawer to balance at the end of her shift. A look of shock crossed over her face and she thanked me several times. As the Burrito graced her with more kisses in the air and giggles. We headed back out to the van, strapped him back into his carseat and he was fast asleep within 2 blocks.
As I drove home I wondered what would other people have done if they had been in my situation?
no judgement from here since I very nearly drove away with the money for the sake of convenience and peace of mind....so please, write and tell me what you would have done.