Light of Hope Ceremony

I received this email Monday because I am a CASA volunteer. Please consider coming out to honor the children.

It is time again to remember those children who we lost from child abuse and neglect in 2008. This year there were a startling 16 children who died in Iowa last year. Every April we take a moment to remember these children and to remind our community that there are children at risk today. Our Light of Hope Ceremony this year will be held on April 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm at Blank Children’s Hospital.

Light of Hope started in 2000 as a national movement designed to provide hope for abused and neglected children and to recognize extraordinary efforts of individuals whole lights shine on these children. During the month of April, hundreds of communities across the U.S. will come together at Light of Hope events to honor the promise of remembering the plight of America’s abused, abandoned and neglected children. National CASA has encouraged us to hold this event and VeeAnn Cartwright is on the planning committee. Judge Eisenhauer, long-time supporter of CASA, will recognize all CASAs in attendance.

Please take a moment to help us remember these children and honor those who work hard to help our most vulnerable.

Light of Hope is sponsored by:

Blank Children’s Hospital

Child Abuse Prevention Council

Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA)

precious

I have a heavy heart today. For once. It has nothing what so ever to do with Madison or motherhood. hhmm...
A very close friend of the family has been in Hospice for a while now. I wont say what he was dying from because I am confident I will get it wrong.
I dragged my feet about visiting. I did not want to go. With as many children as I have it is not difficult to have good reasons not to go. BUT Friday I finally took a deep breath and made the trip.
Stepping into Mort's room instantly took me back 15 years 9 months and 17 days to the day my Daddy died. (I was a daddy's girl and always called him by that name.) The sights...sounds...smells...of that room transported me back in time to my daddy's bedside.
I quickly walked through to the sitting area away from the bed and focused on visiting with the family. Then I saw a most precious site. I could not force my eyes to focus on anything else.
Susan, one of his daughters came quietly into the room. Approached the side of his bed. Leaned over gently kissing his forehead. Whispering love over his ear. She took a warm wet cloth and and slowly stroked his face. All the while quietly whispering love over his ear. None of us could hear her words....at least not with our ears. But I could hear them echoing through the hallway of my heart. They were the same words of love I whispered over my Daddy's ear nearly 16 years ago. I watched as she so lovingly attended to her father. Tears gently rolling across her cheeks spilling onto the bed sheet. I haven't been able to get the sight out of my heart. The love that flowed from her heart through her hands and mouth into his heart moved me.
It was in those tender moments that I realized something. The gifts she was pouring over her father yesterday are the very gifts I poured over mine. There has never been anything quite like that feeling duplicated in my life since. Unless you have lived moments like this you would never know. It is difficult to see the tender moments while you are living in the midst of the immense grief. Even years later it is difficult to see those special moments.
But yesterday, even in the midst of their grief I was the one who was given a gift. A sweet and precious gift. I was able to see myself in someone else. In a way that I have never seen myself before. I recognized every touch, every whisper, every tear, and every ounce of love that poured out of her as my own. And for the first time since June 10, 1993 I remember the tender moments of the last days of my Daddy's life.
It is so crazy. I remember begging God to stop his suffering daily. But then when the end arrived. I climbed onto his bed, cradled him in my arms and BEGGED God to change his mind. I screamed, I cried. I was not ready to let go. We needed more time. I could not see how I could possibly complete the journey of my life without my Daddy. The depths of grief that gripped my heart in those desperate minutes before I realized it was over and there was nothing I could do but let him go, was so deep and so fierce. I have never felt so completely alone and lost as I did while holding him.
I am grateful that I found the courage yesterday to visit Mort and his family. I found a precious treasure in the midst of their loss.
Mort passed away this evening. I pray it does not take his family nearly 16 years to find the treasures of his life and death. Those tender moments, the whispers of love. I pray they remember those moments even tonight.

my thoughts of today....

God gives each one of us talents. free will. the ability to think. the power through Him to intercede on behalf of others. What we do with all those things is ultimately up to us. I have been thinking and praying lately and it struck me today....especially lately I have been a little consumed with the troubles that swirl around me and have felt many days as though I were at the very end of my proverbial rope. Just swinging there holding the frayed ends of the last strand....waiting for it to give way and begin my free fall. So today as I prayed through my morning a thought was born and has grown throughout my day....
Without God, I cannot. Without me, He will not.
I think this is true in a couple ways. one, God has given me gifts and talents to help myself, He expects me to use those every day. If I use the wisdom and gifts He gave me then He can enter in and help me through anything.

Romans 12: 6-8

⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his^b]">[b]faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

BUT God also gave those very same gifts to others as well. And He expects us to take care of each other. To pray for eachj other, to intercede on the behalf of those around us. If we fail to do so then we are limiting God. I am not saying we prevent Him from working things out. God is God and He will intervene how and when He sees fit. But I looked some verses up and this is what I found.

Isaiah 59:16 (New International Version)

¹⁶ He saw that there was no one,
he was appalled that there was no one to intervene;
so his own arm worked salvation for him,
and his own righteousness sustained him.

Ezekiel 22:30 (New International Version)

³⁰ "I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none.

1 Timothy 2

¹I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—

The way I see it is that God sees when we fail to use our gifts to touch others. Our failure hurts Him deeply. Instead of turning His back and just letting whatever will be...be. He rolls up His sleeves and intervenes. But that is not His plan. His plan is for us to be the intercessors for each other that He gifted us to be. Aren't we to be His Hand extended.

I am going to pay closer attention to how I use my gifts. I am going to try to be a better steward of them as well. I desire to be Gods Hand extended in all places of my life.

look at me when I am talking to you

It is funny....this is one of my pet peeves! I can not stand trying to have a serious conversation while the other converser (is that a word??) is looking every where but at me. I always feel ignored or half listened to. Is it wrong to expect eye contact while carrying on a conversation? I always make my monsters look in my eyes when they are speaking to me....why is it so hard for adults?
I am not talking about random casual conversation taking place in random places such as the church foyer or the super market. I am talking about the dinner table, serious, sit down, we need to talk, kind of talking. Too many things draw your attention away in public and casual situations. OR if you are like me...you have too many children to keep an eye on to be able to give 100% undivided attention to a casual church foyer conversation.
But, I promise you this, if there is a serious issue to be discussed you will know I am listening because I will be looking at your eyes when you are talking....even if I don't want to look at you....because believe me, I know there are times we all would rather not even be having discussions let alone looking into the eyes of the person we are upset with.....
Is it too much to ask for eye contact? Is it old fashioned to consider eye contact to be a form of mutual respect?
I don't know....but I always seem to think over and over in my mind during those kinds of conversations....would you look at me when I am talking to you??

Baby steps and a ray of hope.

Our struggles have been great lately with Madison. Honestly we have been talking about group home placements. My desire for her is to grown into a healthy and happy young lady. You know, when I look in that freckled face of hers I see so much potential and wonder why it seems so difficult to find a way for that potential to become reality. It all boils down to one thing really....she has a choice. If she is not interested then all I can do is pray and leave her resting in the Hands of the God who created her...and pray somehow God will allow me to see the successes no matter how small and not feel so much like a complete failure as her parent.
Last night we had an amazing church service. Synergy is the combining of all generations once a month in our Sunday evening service, each month a different generation leads service. This month the youth had their turn. What an amazing time of worship and hearing from God.
Our new youth pastor Keith Robinson has been with us only 7 days. He shared his life story. I am telling you...if anyone left that sanctuary the same as they were when they entered...well I wont judge. I just find it impossible to NOT be moved on some level by his powerful story! Even Elijah talked about it last night. Who would of thought in the midst of his drawing while lying UNDER the chair he was soaking in the message. Not only was he listening but he GOT it! that is incredible! You should take a moment and check out Pastor Keith's web site~ www.emergexperience.com
His wife Samantha along with the youth worship team did a wonderful job leading worship.
Madison responded to the message last night....I am bag full of mixed emotions....I am so very hopeful that THIS is the first step we have been praying for. I am praying and seeking God to direct me and how I interact with her.
On the flip side of those hopeful prayers are the reality...NOT DOUBT...reality...that we have traveled this road before...many times...I must admit I am a bit apprehensive. Please do not misunderstand. I am not doubting God and His ability to save. to Heal. to win over a situation.
I think I am so weary from the months of heaviness from trudging through each hour. Waiting for the next burst of bad news of what in the world the latest thing she had done was....the weight of gingerly walking around the house waiting for the next explosion and wondering which one of the children I would have to protect this time...and how long would Isaiah have to keep the children downstairs this time while trying not to hear Madison rage for hours above their heads.
Bipolar is an unfriendly condition by which the entire family seems to be consumed.
So you see....I am taking baby steps...following Gods lead...hoping Madison will too. I am not expecting an instant transformation and poof all our troubles will fade away...I am not expecting the road to suddenly become easy to travel. But I am clinging to the ray of hope that burst out of our stormy skies last night. And I am praying this is the first baby step of many that will end with Madison being whole again...freckles and all!

crazy busy and a fantastic surprise!

This week was spring break. Pastor Kevin and Trudy organized a day camp for the week. We had tons of fun all week. I taught the craft every day. There was a science class, a dram theater, games and music. Then after lunch each day the kids all went on a field trip. I did not go on any of the outings but my monsters had tons of fun!
I spent my afternoons getting organized for our 3rd FPNO. Which was last night and a HUGE success. We are growing each month and I am so excited!
I had to take mom to the ER on Thursday, she has been in the hospital since. Not really sure what is going on. She has been having some health issues lately and hopefully they will get to the bottom of things so she can start feeling better.
On Thursday when I got home there was a package on my doorstep...at the exact time my brother called...the mystery package was from him...I opened as we chatted about me taking mom into the ER. GUESS WHAT WAS IN MY PACKAGE!??
A new camera!! YUP!! not only that BUT...it is PURPLE!!! I can not wait to sit down and read all about it so I can get back to taking pictures of my monsters and all the other odd and wonderful things that scream to be recorded!
THANKS PHLIP!!!!!!! You ROCK!

oh and by the way I HATE that my stupid camera is still broken and I can not take any photos. I have missed so many good photo-ops! Now among other necessities I am in the market for a new camera....MAN I hate that!

ramblings and other random things

Things have been tough lately. I don't mean financially tough I mean Tough. It has felt as though Madison has kept us in deep water with out life preservers. Slowly....SLOWLY...we are finding our way. I still have no idea what tomorrow will look like in terms of life with Madison. Some days I see glimpses of hope that shine through and I think....a corner is about to be turned...then WHAM! so, today I will enjoy the lallygag down the lane of wonder and wait and see where we end up. I am sure tomorrow will look quite different than today anyhow!
Life has been busy around my world. We have had outings trainings conferences meetings and such.
Dominique officially made it through mid terms week. I am so very proud of him! YAY DOM! We made and mailed him his favorite cookies and some pix made by the monsters. He liked his package a lot. Funny thing: he calls me up the day he gets the box in the mail.
D: Mom I got my package THANKS! but um, did you read the letters the kids wrote to me?
M: No, why?
D: Amaris wrote 'dear Dom, I love you and miss you. Love Amaris...PS WHERE ARE YOU?
we both got a good laugh out of that one!
My little brother is getting married in May...in Philly! so we are trying to figure out how many of us will be able to attend the wedding.
Last weekend I along with Trudy and Amy went on the Daisy Prim overnight at the camp in Boone. It was a lot of fun. I love love love camp! If I had the ability to do anything I wanted I would buy a camp ground In the woods, with a lake. I would run the lodge cooking for all the guests. My brother Philip would be maintenance and grounds. I would live there all year and host different camps for all kinds of kids. I have thought it through many times and dream of it at times. We decided at the overnight that Trudy would have to be in on it too so she can have her book store. (her dream) and of course I love books so that is a perfect plan!
This week is spring break....day camp at church I am doing crafts all week and then in the afternoons the kids all go on a field trip. Today was great!
The Burrito just finished 10 days of antibiotic Sunday morning and is SICK AGAIN!! We got a new antibiotic today and hopefully he will be on the mend soon. He is super grumpy!
This Friday night is our 3rd Foster Parents Night Out. I already have 23 foster children signed up. WOO HOO! This time I decided to do a homemade carnival. I am excited!
Baseball practice has started for Lij. He loves baseball! The weather today could not have been more beautiful for a practice and they took full advantage of it! Soon we will have opening ceremonies and then the games will begin. His games are on Tuesdays and Thursdays this year. I am looking forward to making some new baseball memories!
I think that is about all for now from my world. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I do appreciate them very much!