Sunday June 16, 2013

Hi Daddy,
I spent the afternoon with Gramma today. Well, not just me and Gramma....the family and some friends celebrated her 93rd birthday. 93!! But then again, you know that. I still cant get over the fact that every time I look into her eyes I see a reflection of you. The depths of love, compassion and care that flows out of her eyes is the same I remember seeing reflected in yours. One day I hope people are able to say that of me. That the love compassion and care of Gramma's eyes and Daddy's eyes are reflected in mine. What an honor that would be one day to stand in the ranks of you and Gramma...
Oh Daddy It seems so hard to believe that it has been 20 years. June is such a difficult month for me. I miss you more, feel it stronger and deeper during this month. Being with Gramma today made those feelings stronger, they grew in intensity the longer I was there. Holding Gramma's hand I thought :I can't believe it has been 20 years since I have held Daddy's hand in mine." So I squeezed a little harder and held a little longer. Some how, Gramma makes me feel closer to you. Maybe because she is your mother. I don't know. Maybe because even at 93 years old, I can see you in her so intensely. Days like today I feel the depths of loss and grief as if it were just today we said our last goodbyes. Days like today the tears hover right behind my eyes burning to be released. A thick lump forms in my throat making it difficult to swallow or speak. Every thought I think is woven with memories of you. of us. of our family.
Then I stop and think and look around me and I see the pain and loss of others who are suffering from recent loss that I feel selfish. Selfish tat I grieve so deeply even 20 years later. Selfish that I weep tears of sorrow today. I will never understand this journey through grief. My mind swirls with thoughts of how unfair it is to be missing you. How Unreal life seems when I am looking at the joys and pain of my children and turn around to be reminded that you are not here with us to celebrate and soothe these life moments.
Then my heart and mind turn to those around me who have suffered the loss of dear ones even today, within weeks of today.
I find myself wondering what would have been an easier way to grieve....a sudden unexpected loss or the long seamlessly endless illness that ended in the ultimate disappointment a daughter could give to a father. Maybe part of the reason I grieve so deeply is because I know I failed. I failed you. I failed me. I failed Gramma. I remember the planning. You so proudly mapped out your last days. Confidently declaring who was to be where, what you were to be wearing when you were moved from our home. Even planed every detail of your services. One of the things that was so important to you, to Gramma and especially to me was that I be there with you. by your side, holding your hand whispering love and assurance as you gently slipped from our world into heaven.
I have relived that day hundreds of times. I can recite every word, retrace every step and rehash every conversation from sunup until you were... gone. I will not write those details here today. Maybe one day I will have the courage to put those events into words for others to read. But today. I just want to say to you.
Daddy, I am so sorry that I was not with you in your greatest moment of need. In the ONE moment you needed me. I was not there holding your hand, I wasn't not whispering love across you ear. No encouraging words were uttered. No peaceful Hymns were sung. No earnest prayers of peace were sung for your exit from this world and entrance into heaven. I am so sorry Daddy. I wish I would have gone back in to check on you one more time. Then I would have known you needed me.
Thank you for all the amazing lessons of life and love you taught me. Thank you for your firm hand and loving guidance. Thank you for teaching me to love others no matter what. This lesson in and of itself has allowed me to openly love and care for many people I may not have had the opportunity to know. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom and the treasure of a legacy of unconditional love that I promise will passed on to each and every one of your grandchildren. Can you believe I have 10?? me either. God is good even to those of us who do not deserve His goodness. But you know that too, because THAT is another lesson I learned form you.  I am the woman I am today because of you...
Daddy, I Love you always....Angela

1 Peter 4:8

'above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.' 1peter 4:8

Once upon a time there was a little catepillar. She was vibrantly colored, clever, spunky, creative, smart and full of courage. Carolyne was her name. She was beautiful on the outside and wounded on the inside. It was very diffiult being Carlyne. Other catepillars did not understand her. she was a mystery yet to be solved. Carolyne had a rough beginning in life, she knew and believed her future had the potential of becoming bright and beautiful and she knew deep in her heart she wanted to grow up to become the lovliest of all butterflies. But Carolyne carried many hurts and much sadness in her heart and had taught herself over the first years of her life to guard her heart and made a promise to herself to never allow another caterpillar close enough to touch her heart.
Carolyne came from hard places. She was separated from her family and had lost touch with her siblings. Carolyne moved from house to house and family to family with no success of finding the true family who would heal her heart. Until one day. The lady in charge of the place she had been staying sat her down for a talk. You see Carolyne there is a very special family who wants more than anything to meet you. And so over the coming months she met with the family and learned bit by bit that they were different than others who came before. this family cared and showed love in ways she had never seen. After a few months of visits Carolyne moved all of her worldly possessions (3 tubs and a back pack) into their home and began to settle into the middle of a caterpillar family of 10 and a mom and dad.  The problem is Carolyne is not used to giving and receiving true love. Real love is scary. so she struggled to return and receive it in any form. Carolyne's story is still being written and her new family will wait for as long as it takes for her little heart to heal enough for her to turn into the beautiful Butterfly that everyone else can already see. One day she will earn her wings and change the world!

Chasing Rainbows

Rainbows have always been symbolic to me. As far back as I can recall I have held a fascination with the sky. Clouds. Rainbows. the reflections of the moon or suns rays shimmering across the sky. So it is no mystery to e that I look to the sky to find my peace. When my world tilts on its axis and begins to spin haphazardly out of control.
Watching the sky on a melancholy day for me is much like standing on the ocean shore feeling the mighty waves rise up and wash over my feet pulling with it all the pain and sorrows of my heart. There is something healing about the waves likewise, the sky.
the last 6 months or so my heart has been flipped upside down and turned inside out with circumstances beyond my control. I have spent many hours searching for peace and answers from God. Some circumstance He has miraculously worked out and I find peace in His answers. Others are as of yet unresolved and rather than improving in time they are raging out of control.
It occurred to me the other day that I have been searching the skies for a rainbow. Literally. I obsessively carry my camera with me every where I go so as not to miss the majestic photo op. I CRAVE the glorious colors spreading across the sky. I need to see a glorious sunset filling the skies with brilliant colors of purple orange and pink. The other day I tried to share this feeling with Scott. In his way I think he understood because yesterday on his way home he called me to tell me to go out doors and look to the east and I would see a beautiful rainbow. I grabbed my camera and ran out the front door to find our skies here in town were too dark to see....I was sad.
Last  night as I lay in bed I was reflecting on the day and my mind wandered over the past few months. I see God's hand in every moment. Even the difficult painful heart wrenching moments. I see HIS grace woven through the fabric of each moment. My heart has been through a lot these months. I can honestly say though, that there is not one moment I would take back or trade for another. God is stitching together a tapestry that only He can see right now. I am humbled and grateful for those grace moments. those golden threads of Grace He sews into each and every moment of my life.
So, today I looked to my faithful falling apart well loved and totally worn out bible to see what He has to say about rainbows. These verses stood out to me today....
Ezekiel 1:28  
²⁸ Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
Genesis 9:13
¹³ I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
Genesis 9:16
¹⁶ Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
Deuteronomy 7:9
⁹ Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

hate it when that happens!

Have you ever had one of those parenting moments when you realize you have been disciplining the WRONG child for an offense they did not commit and to make the situation even better you did not believe even one of their desperate please for you to believe them??
This wonderful experience happened to me yesterday....UGH!
So for about 3 months now (yes, 3 months!) I have been finding food wrapped up in napkins hiding in various places of the kitchen and dining room. Some of these lovely packages have been found by a wandering toddler, a curious puppy, of by the search and find mission when a nasty horrific smell begins to take over the area. (I hate it when that happens it never ends well!!) When this first began to happen I questioned each of my little angels and of course found all to be completely innocent. So I THOUGHT I knew which one would be guilty of such behavior and began questioning and disciplining the behavior as it occurred. That child quickly developed an attitude issue and started dinnertime behaviors to go along with the hiding of the food thing. Finally we had gone a few weeks with no new packages (at least none have been recovered eeeeekkkk!) Until last night that is....I let the puppies in to play after dinner and found one of them eating a napkin filled with noodles from dinner. and guess what???? The assumed guilty child was not hoe for dinner!!! And my heart dropped into my stomach as I realized that child WAS in fact innocent and undeserving of the discipline they had been given repeatedly. I performed a new investigation and found the real culprit. Who looked me in the eye and replied to my questions of WHY DID YOU DO THIS???? with a wide eyed "I don't know". Now listen....I am an educated mom I understand in my head why kids answer such direct questions with I DONT KNOW. but last night....that response was the LAST response I wanted to hear. I wanted to know WHY. WHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!?!?! the best I got was....I didn't want to get in trouble so I didn't tell the truth. Yet another thing I understand but did not want to deal with last night. COME ON kid. you are old enough now.....you have been through things like this enough to know a lie gets you DEEPER in trouble RIGHT?!?!?! then I get the lovely blank stare. You know....the one where you cant tell if you have grown horns and spots and they are shocked at what they see of is suddenly they have lost their ability to understand English.....so finally feeling weary from the battle and terribly guilty for nailing the wrong kid I waved my white flag and surrendered. I gave up the fight. what a shame! I hate it when I suck!

end of another school year

How did this happen????
Where has this school year gone? I swear last week I was planning first day of school breakfast first day outfits buying new supplies and handing out shiny new back packs filled to overflowing with everything a child would need and more to have a successful year in school. All of a sudden I look at my calendar and realize that it is JUNE and tomorrow is the last day of school. Last night while I was laying on the couch in the dark (because we had lost power again) My mind wandered over the year and these last few weeks. It has been a year of growth, achievement, an some pain.
Burrito is completing his final year of preschool and making the big move to Kindergarten. Nervous about that move. The preschool has not done right by Burrito and has decided to remove all of his supports. This blog is NOT going to be about my battle with the teacher and her little army. sigh.... This Momma will put her big girl pants on and do what needs to be done.
SamIAm has made huge strides in progress this year. Participating in TAG and special projects connected with that program has done WONDERS for his confidence level! I am so proud of him. He has had his fair share of struggles this year but the progress he has made is astounding! On to 5th grade for him. Top dogs in the building HA!
Amaris has finally gotten her act together this last quarter of the year and achieved a strong finish. WHEW what a year she has had. One I wish to NEVER repeat ever again!! I would be lying if I said I was not more than a little worried about her transition into junior high next year.
Sassy Pants.....we have hit a road bump in our journey to make her a permanent part of our family. Please pray for her heart, for her healing for our family as we continue to love her through the hard stuff and show her that not everyone who says they love her will hurt her. This too, is another blog for another day.
Elijah has done remarkably well in school. Making the honor roll the whole year. He was invited to play in the jazz band and LOVED the experience!! What a difference a year makes. Last year at this time was so scary for him and for us as we tried to figure out his seizures. This year with the proper medications on board he is truly a new guy! On to 8th grade for him!
Isaiah has successfully completed his 10th grade year. What an amazing human being he has become. I have so many wishes with this boy. I wish his life could have been different. But then I realize he would not be the amazing person he is today had his life been easy. I am so proud of all he has accomplished and overcome! I can't wait to see the next 2 years as they mold him into a man. Thank you God for allowing me to be his Momma! What a blessing!
As I reflect on all the accomplishments milestones heartaches and tears of the year I realize it has flown by so quickly I have missed so much!
Now the bad momma  guilt sets in and I realize I was totally unprepared for the end of the year festivities. I missed special moments and failed to honor a couple of very special people who have loved and protected my children over the years. Our bus driver Keith had his last day Friday and I missed it. I had every good intention of honoring this special man before he left. He drove Dominique, Madison, Isaiah, Elijah, Amaris Sassy and Sam....he stood up for my children in tough times encouraged them in sad times and had rejoiced and cheered for all their successes. He will be missed!
I feel awful that I have not been able to attend any special events. what a lame momma.... You cant even say there is always next year. because it doesn't really matter. these milestones happen once. There is only 1 chance to make a memory then it passes you by and the window closes. this year will go into the memory banks of my children as the year momma forgot....everything.
Lord, please bless our summer together with a closeness we have never felt before.

"Break my heart for what breaks yours"
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see"
Both of these quotes from songs that I love are a perfect reflection of the earnest prayers from my heart to the heart of my God. What never realized when I began praying these prayers so many years ago, was to what extent the Lord would go to break my heart. To open my eyes and ears.
I can't watch a news story with out feeling the depth of pain of others devastating life circumstance, I can't read the paper with out my heart quivering in sorrow over the devastation I read. from the orphans of foreign lands to the foster children of home from the ill to the lost. From the abused and neglected to the frail and vulnerable and lonely.
I have had to force myself to find ways to refocus. ways to detach my heart from my body and allow it to seize alone. When I see, read or hear these things they affect my heart on the deepest level. I feel true pain as if it was mine to own. Rendering my breathless and leaving me with sleepless nights as I lay and ponder and pray for those who I have come to carry with me.
I would not change a thing. I am glad God created my heart this way. I am glad He chose to open my ears and eyes to hear and see the pain of this crazy world. I am glad he has chosen to send me to be an instrument of His healing and peace into this hurt and chaotic world. I only wish I had the ability to make a bigger difference, effect change in this world. For His Glory.

Some eye opening statistics about orphans of the world:

• Worldwide, an estimated 132 million children ranging from newborns to age 17 have lost one or both parents (UNICEF).
• Every 2.2 seconds a child loses a parent somewhere in the world.
• Every day 5,760 more children in the world become orphans.
• By 2015 it is projected that there will be 400 million orphaned children worldwide.
• HIV/AIDS alone has orphaned 14.9 million children, most of them in Sub-Saharan Africa.
• In developing countries, more than one third of all children live in poverty.
• Over 1 billion children suffer from at least one form of severe deprivation of basic needs like water, food, and sanitation.
• In the countries of Central and Eastern Europe and Central Asia, a total of 1.3 million children live in institutional care.
• Millions of children all over the world have to cope with domestic violence - be it neglect, physical or mental punishment, emotional or sexual abuse.
• The use of physical punishment as a way of bringing up children is still widespread. A UNICEF study covering 29 countries found that an average of 86% of the children in those countries has experienced physical punishment in their parents’ home.
• Millions of children are refugees, asylum seekers, stateless and internally displaced by conflict, violations of their human rights, and natural disasters.
• Only 60% of children of secondary school age currently attend a secondary or higher school. The remaining 40% either attend a primary school or do not go to school at all.

Domestic violence Statistics:

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.
• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.
• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
• Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.
• Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.
• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.
• The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.
• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

Go out and change the world!

I have so many things in my heart fluttering about that I want to pour out on here. So many words, thoughts, joys and tears. I have written it all out beautifully in my mind and when I sit down to record them I freeze, or read what I have writen and I delete.
Balance

I MUST find a balance.
A balance in mind body and spirit
A balance in time and space
A balance in work home and activity
Recently I have been sick. ot a simple cold kind of sick but really sick.
I always become a bit reflective this time of year anyway but seem to be more so right now. Maybe because I missed the entire Easter Weekend.
I would love a weekend of isolation. 48 hours uninterupted. just myself, God and nature.