What would you do?

What would you do?
If you had a child who when she was small had severe behavior problems, so severe even the school cried out for help?
If you took that child to doctor after doctor to find out what caused these behaviors and found no explainable cause?
What would you do?
If even on medication that childs behaviors escalated far out of anyone's control?
What would you do?
If after YEARS of dealing with this doctor and that, this medication and the other one, behavior modification programs, weekly counseling, seeming to be in an emergency mode 24 hours a day, you STILL have no answers.
tantrums with no end. violence. self injury. threatening and hurting sibilngs. stealing. running away. hiding from teachers at school.
what would you do?
if the child is hospitalized for the first time the first week of summer following 4th grade?
At the end of this hospitalization you learn the child is not only ADHD but also bipolar.
What would you do???
would you educate yourself? Would you search the world over for treatment and hope?
that is what I did....I did not blame, or point fingers, or accuse, or create horrible stories to justify the situation.
I took classes. I searched and found books and seminars and more classes. We begged for professionals to come into our home to teach us ways to cope. for YEARS I drove every Wednesday 40 minutes one way to counseling. Searching for the right answers. A treatment plan that would bring peace to this child.
What would you do?
If the search lead to dead end after dead end and rather than get better through all the treatment, medications, interventions, spiritual guidance, classes and education and peace never arrived.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
When the school is at a loss and throws their hands up in the air in desperation. and your child is hospitalized again. now for the first of many suicide attempts.
What would you do?
Follow the treatment plan set forth by the newest doctors on board? Thats what we did. day treatment followed by homeschooling. new meds more counseling. new emergencies, new behaviors, more meltdowns in a 24 hour period than we could record.
What would you do?
If this child reports to a PROFESSIONAL they have been abused? Would you follow the recommendations of the professionals?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
THe new plan after the 4th hospitalization is to return the child to school. More interventions. more counseling. different meds.
Now the child is a teenager. She is dressing crazy. lying. trying to run away. she begins cutting. another suicide attempt.
What would you do?
If a youth leader from your childs youth group brings your child to you one Wednesday evening and informs you that your child has been raped and YOU need to do something about it because your child may be pregnant and is afraid.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?????
I cried. and together we as a trio called her counselor. and trudged through the horrific steps that are required of such a serious allegation.
We cried. A LOT. We loved our child. Stood by her. Supported her. and watched as she slid further and further away into a world of self destruction. We desperately tried to reach her. We took more classes. Saught out legal counsel, spiritual guidance, mental health support, we found ourselves swirling in a hurricain of turmoil and pain.
What would you do?
If your child was cutting herself so badly and so often that you were afraid to leave her alone? We slept on her bedroom floor, and sometimes we didnt sleep at all just sat watching as she slept. and real;ized that even in her sleep she was unable to find peace. tossing and turning and crying out in fear from nightmares. Nightmares plagued her waking and sleeping hours. No wonder this child was a mess.
What would you do?
We found a treatment facility out of state who specialized in treating young ladies just like our daughter. We drove hours. We signed papers. We watched the admitting process. We were at least relieved that all drug tests were negative. And she was not pregnant. We walked away. We cried.
What would you do?
IF your child is FINALLY making amazing progress. You are finally able for the first time in YEARS to see the beauty of her soul blossom. And then the call comes. The facility is closing, your child is not quite ready to graduate. Not quite ready for the world. But she has turned 18 while she was away, healing.
We brought her home. We were scared. ALmost right away we saw the old behaviors and dangerous coping skills return.
We found a new program. We believed in this program. It was PERFECT!!
She would have support. Counseling. Job training. complete her high school education. Learn daily living skills money management. Eventuall as she moved up in the program she would even be set up in an apartment with semi supervision and support to chase her dreams of studying cosmotology.
We had found HOPE.
What would you do?
If after all the healing you had witnessed. Suddenly your child regresses. She begins to rebel. AGAIN.
Then following another suicide attempt and hospitalization. She runs away.
What would you do?
We desperately searched a city for her. We cried. We did not sleep. We could not eat.
To save her to find her peace to keep her safe we had her committed. She was an adult. We sat in the mental health court. a cold stale unfriendly place to be. the 2 of us accompanied by her counselor. We pleaded for the courts intervention.
What would you do?
If your child claimed severe drug addiction and abuse. Yet no screen ever came up possitive.
Your child claimed pregnancy time after time with no baby.
Your child told stories of abuse that would make the toughest of all people cringe and cry....
We listened. We supported. We loved. unconditionally. That part we have down patt by now. Love her no matter what.
What wouldyou do?
If your child rejected all your help. all you had ever done and walked away.
We cried. We let. her. go.
What would you do?
If your child came back. filled with remorse and stories of more abuse?
We took her in. Gave her rules. Drove her to doctors and counseling 2 times a week. drove her EVERY DAY 40 minutes one way to school so she could complete her GED. We loved her still.
What would you do?
If your child found a new boy, ran away again and rejected all the plans and help your had for her?
We cried. We let her go. We hoped and prayed she would return.
What would you do?
If your child went door to door begging for work money and help from every person who lived in your town, telling them you had kicked her out? We told the truth and apologized. over and over and over.
What would you do?
If your child kept running? from man to man. place to place.
we cry. we pray. we love her.
What would you do?
If that child ran into the home and arms of the very people she had repeatedly told PROFESSIONAL over the years had hurt her?
We did nothing.
We let her go.
What would you do?
if this was your life with your child.....
I wish we would have had the love and support of family through the years.
I wish we would have been able to find peace for our child.
I wish we would have found the one book, class, medication, the ONE SOMETHING that would have worked.
Today. that child lives somewhere away from here. she has finally completed her GED. For that we are grateful and PROUD.
What would you do?
Would you have failed your child as we did?

I started a new devotional today. It started by asking a couple questions. I have pondered these questions off and on through out the afternoon and evening.
Evaluate where you are at right now: financially, personally, spiritually and in relationships.
Today was a particularly difficult day. I had a lot of heavy things on my heart. So self evaluation was not happening. Then it has nagged me...all day.
financially. we are stable. not wealthy but not poor. our children have what they need and we are able to feel a little less stress about finances.
personally. I have daily battles with in my own heart and head. I have contiuous dialogue running between angela of the past and angela in the present. I struggle with who I am in this world and whether I am doing all God asked me to do.
spiritually. I am ashamed to admit that this is not my strongest spiritual season. I have found I have more questions now than ever. I find myself arguing within my head. I need to work on this area.  There are so many things that happen that I just dont understand and I think my spiritual attitude has taken a beating.
relationships. Some are stronger than ever. some have been neglected and are showing signs of that neglect. some I have had to let go. Letting go acn be bnothfreeing and devestating depending on the situation. I got to thinking. Would I want to befriend myself if I met me on the street, i the grocery store, at the library or park, in the foyer at church? This vision challenged me to work harder at how I present myself as I walk through my day. I often find myself lost in the thoughts of my mind and situation of my life. So lost that I miss people situations and things I know I am supposed to see touch and experience.
I aime to make a better effort to present in every moment of every situation I find myself in. Believing God will use those places and times to touch my heart and touch the heart of others.

words

I have been thinking a lot lately about words. words that float about in my mind for me to write or speak. I have done a little research about words.
The number of words in the English language is estimated by the Global Language Monitor as of January 1, 2012 is aprox. 1,013,913. It is estimated that a new word is created every 98 minutes, or about 14.7 new words per day.
The average Highschool graduate has a functioning vocabulary of about 45,000 words.
The average college graduate has an aprox. 60,000 active word vocabulary.
The more educated and the more well read the person the higher the word count.
According to Dr. Louann Brizendine of UCSF women use on average 20,000 words per day while men use aprox 7,000. ( I am in trouble! I am a bit higher than average as I have a lot to say a lot of the time and Scott has little to say much of the time. His daily amount is usually depleated before he arrives home at the end of the day. Which leaves us in a pickle. I have so much to talk about and he is all talked out.)
It is estimated that the average person will speak enough words in 1 week to fill a 500 page book.
As I poured over the various charts and studies I got to thinking about the impact of my words.
I am ashamed to admit that over the course of my life time I have been guilty of speaking words that should have never been uttered in my own mind much less out loud. Flashing through my mind were the faces of people I have hurt with my words. It was as if I was reliving each situation all over again. As far back as early childhood. People flashed before me. Words from my past echoed in my mind. I felt the sting of my own words as if someone was speaking them to me. I felt shame, sorrow, regret.
I have heard it takes 10 positive words to counteract every 1 negative word spoken to another person. I felt the weight of that quote land heavy on my heart.
In my children, with my spouse, friends, family and every place in my life I want to use my 20,000 daily words to uplift, encourage, love, and bring joy.  not to cause pain, anger, hurt or frustration. Choosing my words should be a matter of careful thoughtfullness and choosing to speak them should be controlled with a tremndous amount of discipline.
I will pay closer attention to the words in my mind before allowing them to flow out of my mouth. It really begins with taking my thoughts captive. That my friend is a more difficult task than it would seem.

things you should know

1. Foster parents do not take children into their homes to get rich, pay bills, get out of debt or pay for luxury items.  Truth is. we get paid $15.74 per day. unless the children have medical needs or severe behavioral needs. In that case depending on the level of need the daily rate is increased by aprox $4.81 per day for each level. Each foster child is provided $250 clothing allowance when they enter into the system then $100 per year after that. We would make more money doing day care. In fact the state pays MORE per day for foster children to be in a day care than they pay the resource families to provide 24 hour care.
2. Foster Parents do not take children into their homes to steal children from their families. The greater percentage of resource families are foster families for the same reason I am. Obviously I can only speak for myself. But because of Dropz of Hope I have met many families and can honestly say the vast majority have the same heart as I do. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a part of the process of healing a family. Families who have become broken or lost. My GREATEST joy is to successfully reunite children with their BIOLOGICAL family after healing and wholeness has been restored.
3. Foster children are NOT treated as outsiders in our home. The moment we meet whether it is at the office, hospital or our home, they become part of our family. I have more "children" than I can count off the top of my head. They become sisters, brothers, sons, daughters immediately they gain all the rights responsibility respect that every other member of our family has. we love them completely and pray for them fervently for healing and a safe return to their biological family. We are committed to these children from the second we meet until the state decides what their future will be. YES. some of us do adopt. But you MUST understand the hard work we put in to reunite each child. Sometimes. that is just not possible. and THAT is heartbreaking.
4. We do NOT rejoice when a family is not reunited. The day a judge rules that a child may never return to his or her biological family is by far the saddest most difficult day in the case for me. That means the child's entire life from this point is altered. Plan A has failed and B must be formed. I mourn the loss along with the child. YES we go on to adopt some of these children. Because we are so fiercely committed to them from the moment we meet that by the time the judge rules we are madly in love with them and could not imagine sending them off to another foster/adoptive home. But every day I grieve the loss. Every day I pray for the biological family to some how some day find peace, healing and wholeness.
5. I love working with biological families. In all the years I have been doing this, I can honestly say there has only been 1 case where I was not able to find a way to work with the family. In every other case we have been able to form a partnership. Even when the case did not end with reunification we were able to work together. I am "aunt" to many children who no longer live with me. The GREATEST joy in life is to trade the 'mother' role in for AUNT.
6. I am not a saint. I may do more than you think you could do. I may have more children in my home and in my life. BUT I am NOT a saint. I am living the life God CALLED me to live. I make mistakes along the way just like everyone else. I rejoice and grieve, am joyful and sad, I lose my temper at times and have to apologize. I love fiercely and hurt deeply. I am JUST LIKE YOU. God called you to live be and do things I could never dream of doing. We all have our own journey in life we must travel. Honestly it embarrasses me and makes me feel uncomfortable when people say things like that to me. I do NOT do what I do to gain attention. I am much more the "Behind the scenes kind of girl".
This may sound phony to others but it is MY TRUTH. I live my life for 1 purpose. I deeply desire to fulfill the will of God in my life. I want to please HIM. I want to live, speak, do, all the things HE created me to do. I could not and would not go through the heartache and pain I do on a daily basis if God did not direct me to do so. This journey is not easy. It is filled with joys and tears. And there are many times I make mistakes and fail. IF we were all honest we would all say the same. Right? I will continue to do this fostercare thing until God changes my direction.
7. I am not a collector of children. I do not need you to make comments like. 'dont you have ENOUGH children??' or "when are you going to stop already??" or "how do you DO it??" I do not mean any disrespect. I am not being rude. REALLY. I do not ask you to pay my bills. I do not ask you to deal with a behavior problem. I do not ask for money food or even childcare. I do intend to pray before I take any child into my home and I do believe that GOD directs each step and each addition we take. If a time comes that I place my responsibility on your shoulders then you may ask these questions. Until then, I need your love, support and understanding. I need you to understand that some of the children who spend time in my home may not behave the way YOU think they should. there is a reason for that and what they need is UNDERSTANDING and UNCONDITIONAL love not your criticism or stern stares. What I need is for you to love us and PRAY. as I pray for You.

Being a mom is a tough job sometimes. Mothers everywhere can stand united and agree that some days just stink!
I have learned over the last year that blending families is nearly impossible. I have learned that the love in a mothers heart for her children is not always enough. I have loved ALL of my children as if they were born to me. I am a birth mother of 3 and I have resigned myself to the knowlege that I will only always be a STEP mother. I despise that term. STEP. It was banned from our family vocabulary before we became a family and now nearly 17 years later it has become my title. I can not even put into words the pain this places in my heart. The knowlege that not only the child you raised and loved for so many years rejects you but so do many of the key people in that life. We all make mistakes. No parent is perfect. I know that I have made my share of them. I have made every attempt at making them right and learning so that I will not repeat the same mistakes over.
I am also a mother of 3 adopted children. Being an adoptive mother is a special blessing that carries pain of its own. There has never been a time that I have looked into the beautiful eyes of those 3 children and Not thought of their birth mother. and everytime my heart cries a little for them. Because the day my life was richly blessed by becoming their forever mother was the same day they lost their child forever. I know there are very good reasons that they could not be reunited. Lord knows we tried with all our might to make that our goal. Sometimes it is best to give the child a new life. I am blessed to be called their mom. RICHLY BLESSED. I am also foster mother to many. these beautiful children come into my life, stay for a time and return healthy and happy to the family they were born to. What a beautiful blessing that day is!
Each mother role I hold carries its own joys and sorrows. But the deepest heartache is when you know your child no longers wants to be yours.

Its funny. The older I get the more I crave a simpler life. I want to purge my home of unwanted, unused, unnecessary things. I want to make more things from scratch. I want to live in a quiet peace filled space. I want to focus my energy not on things but on loving the people in my life completely.
I want peace in my family, in my relationships, in my home. I pray this year is a year of blessings for Dropz of Hope and the children and families we serve. I pray the God will give me the courage and strength to show love no matter what to those who cross my path.

sick babies little sleep and a merry christmas

Baby G has been sick. Poor little peanut! First it was troubles feeding gagging choking projectile spitting. next we went for a well baby check up and ended up speding an entire (10 hours) day in the hospital for what turned out to be no reason at all. then we continued with feeding issues that landed us in the urgent care clinic to find he has thrush. As I sat in the waiting room of the clinic I kept thinking how awful it is to sit in an urgent care waiting room. I looked about and saw at least 15 very ill people and kept thinking this poor little peanut is being exposed to all this crud....then within 3 days it started. a terrible cough that scared me so much I took him back to the clinic. seriously got no good answers. As the last few days have unfolded, he has gotten worse, coughing, toxic green snot cranky as can be not sleeping at night crying all the time. Yet none, not oneof the symptoms the clinic doc told me to look for has shown itself so we sit, we rock, we suction, we pray and we DO NOT SLEEP....poor little peanut. Dec. 3 turned 1 month old and he is sick.
Baby J has managed to realatively healthy. He has had a cold but nothing to be worried about. WHEW!!
We were blessed this week with a freshly cut Christmas tree. I am SO excited. currently it is laying in the middle of my living room floor because it is too big for the stand I have.....but it smells heavenly! so big and full and beautiful! We were Blessed by dear friends last year with a lovely prelit tree which sadly was in the Christmas closet when we had our flood this past summer. 2 floods, 2 years in a row, 2 Christmas trees lost. I am kind of excited to try some new traditions this year....

fall is the season of change....

I am so thankful God blessed us with the opportunity to get away in the middle of October. So many changes are happening all around me I needed a breather to regroup and refresh my soul.
Changes....
Dominique went on an amazing European tour, had the time of his life and when he returned took the next step into adulthood and moved into an apartment with friends. I could not be more proud of the man he is becoming. A man of integrity, a man you can trust athis word and with your life, he is faithful, honest and one of the most caring compassionate people I know. He is the best biggest brother ever. I know if anything ever happened to us he would without hesitation step up and take excellent care of his brothers and sisters.
Madison. I wish I had amazing news to share. here is the version I wish I could share. ~Madison came home!She has admitted herself into a program and is doing FABULOUS, she is working diligently on her GED and is focused on a bright future. We are so very proud that she has finally realized her great potential, the light we have always seen in her and missed so much is back and shining brighter than ever before. God has HUGE plansfor my girl and her life and I am proud to report she has finally come to see her own goodness and potential and is well on her way to fulfilling all that God has planned for her life~ one day I will write this or some amazing variation....but sadly today I will report that not much has changed. She is still running from herself she is still hopping from place to place. We really arent sure of where she is, we hear rumors but no real truth. please pray for my beautiful girl. I last saw her early in June when we had our flood.
Isaiah. Is back to being homeschooled. It has been a huge adjustment. He misses his friends a lot but is settling into a good routine. We have applied to re-enroll in the SEP homeschool program and are awaiting the decision from the state office. Until then, he is plugging away. He has found that he has much more free time to devote to Legos and gaming. He is determined to woirk for the Lego company someday so I am trying to convince him to take a foreign language....Isaiah has been a HUGE help to me with Burrito and the babies! I dont know how I could stay sane without him!
Elijah. Conferences went fabulous! He is an excellent student and all his teachers had wonderful things to say about his character and caring nature. He has recovered nicely from a baseball injury and is back in practice fulltime. Elijah LOVES to be outdoors and is so good about taking Burrito out to play any time. The crazy boy also decided recently it would be a great idea to climb one of our pine trees. When I found him he was very near the tippy top of the tree. Talk about ehart failure!!! he is officially banned from climbing pine trees. FOR LIFE!~
Amaris. She is getting more and more creative every day! She is teaching herself how to knit, has made all kinds of creations out of cut up old tshirts. It is so much fun to see all the new ideas she can come up with. Amaris has also gotten quite good at nail designs. How in the world she could possibly be so girly in the middle of all these boys is beyonde me! Spinning frilly sparkly dresses, glitter shiney and sparkle thats my girl!!
Sam. Smart. Intelligent. creative. My Sam has busted out into this creating building inventing machine! He loves to take wood and creat forts and castles in the yard. He is always slaying dragons or defeating the evil army who tries to invade our yard. I love to watch him play through the window. I wish I had the ability to throw myself so completely into my imagination like him!
Burrito. With school supporting us and working along side us, with therapy and services in place our little Burrito is making progress. We still ahve a long way to go but we see so amn y possitives and are very encoraged that if we continue to implement all the recommendations and strategies that have benn given to us we are hopeful for his continued growth and improvement. On a side note....he is completely taken with the Christmas season. Loves driving through town looking at all the lights, loves singing Christmas music and SO excited to decorate the house this weekend!
Baby J. Arrived in our home May 1 at 4 weeks old, he turned 8 months old Dec. 1 nad is an absolute JOY! He is developing such a personality, he is funny, sweet natured loves to snuggle and sleeps alll night. a few recent high lights....he got a new bouncing toy from some amazing ladies at the YESS shelter! he learend to crawl on his 8 month birthday! What a big boy!! We love him so much!
Baby G....yep! You read that correctly! Baby G was born on November 3. I picked him up from the hospital on November 4. He is a tiny little peanut, has been sick, struggles to learn to feed correctly, doesnt sleep more than an hour or 2 at a time BUT he is super sweet and we are all in love! again.....
Amazingly....it works. I was a little nervous at first accepting another baby while we still have Baby J I wasnt sure how Burrito would handle the addition. But he has blown my mind, he is so sweet and gentle and loving. I am sure it helps that the kids are all very helpful and love the babies as much as I do.