This week has been very productive. I am proud of myself, I rose above the heaviness of my sorrow and got things done anyway. Some days, I wish I could just crawl into bed, close the door and shut the world out. Even 24 hours of alone time with no one to disturb my existence could do a world of good for my soul. BUT....since such moments of peace and solitude do not exist in my time and space. I move ahead, placing one weary foot in front of the other and suddenly realize...I did it! I made it through my most dreaded week of the year. I even managed a smile and laugh or two along the way! Yay for me!
Some things I have accomplished: completed 7 phone calls and an updated report for my CASA case. Rounded up a few new volunteers for Foster Parents Night Out, planned this months FPNO activities and menu. Contacted a gentleman who is helping me complete my non profit status and all the legal/tax exempt stuff. Updated foster/adoption liscense. Took kiddos to the doctor. Set up more appointments for some. Looked for and found a spanish program for the kids to use this summer, (still need to purchase the program). Cleaned out and organized 2 rooms. Took tons of pictures. Arranged a new travel plan for Dominique. Helped him choose next semester classes, changed his phone service provider, and watched ball games! WHEW!!
Now, I am getting very excited because I have the honor of creating my cousin Joy's wedding cake this month. If it turns out half as nice in real life as it looks in my imagination....it will be the best cake I have done so far! Plus 500 mints for the occasion.
Life is moving forward. Funny, it has a way of doing that. moving. even when we would much prefer to have it stand still, or pass on by....or better yet....rewind and provide us the grace of a do-over...BUT, since I have tried many a time to achieve the do-over status and have come to the conclusion that a real life do-over is actually the process of which we learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, then we pass on the wisdom we gained from those mistakes....that is a true life do-over.
SIGH~ so today, I am proud. proud that I made it through this week. and have accomplished things instead of lying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head waiting for the week to come to an end...
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
16 years ago...
It is hard to believe that 16 years ago my dad died.
He lived a long time after he was diagnosed. Long beyond all predictions of his doctors. Most say he lived so long because Dominique and Alex gave him a reason to fight. A will to survive beyond all expectation. I believe that is true.
I can still see the look in his face when one of the boys entered the room. Pure joy. Dad loved children. He was an amazing father, the best grandfather any kid could ever hope to have, a teacher, it was always our house all our friends ended up, dad loved them all. Our home was theirs and they knew no matter what they did he would listen and love them anyway.
His diagnosis came while I was still in high school shortly after I recovered from cancer. He first became seriously ill the week Dominique was born. The journey we traveled together was both the most joyous part of my life and the saddest as well.
I see him in the faces of my children, hear him in their laughter and tears. I see him when I look at my older brother. Even after all these years whenever something wonderful or awful happens in my life I long to sit and share it with him. I wish for the days when we would sit on the front porch and swing, chatting in the summer breeze as we watch the kids playing.
My father was not a perfect man. He made his share of mistakes. As we all do. But he gave me gifts I will treasure and pass on to my children. He taught me to love no matter what. He taught me that no person is any less deserving of unconditional love and acceptance than another. Our home was always open to any one who needed a place. a place to laugh, to love, to cry, to talk to heal from life's wounds....He didn't always make the best choices but he was an amazing man. Filled with amazing gifts that he lovingly passed on to us his children...and we are now passing them on to ours....
I love you dad....I miss you more every day....I am so grateful for all you taught me about life love and treasures...I can not wait for the day we will be reunited. I have so much I want to tell you....love~Angela
He lived a long time after he was diagnosed. Long beyond all predictions of his doctors. Most say he lived so long because Dominique and Alex gave him a reason to fight. A will to survive beyond all expectation. I believe that is true.
I can still see the look in his face when one of the boys entered the room. Pure joy. Dad loved children. He was an amazing father, the best grandfather any kid could ever hope to have, a teacher, it was always our house all our friends ended up, dad loved them all. Our home was theirs and they knew no matter what they did he would listen and love them anyway.
His diagnosis came while I was still in high school shortly after I recovered from cancer. He first became seriously ill the week Dominique was born. The journey we traveled together was both the most joyous part of my life and the saddest as well.
I see him in the faces of my children, hear him in their laughter and tears. I see him when I look at my older brother. Even after all these years whenever something wonderful or awful happens in my life I long to sit and share it with him. I wish for the days when we would sit on the front porch and swing, chatting in the summer breeze as we watch the kids playing.
My father was not a perfect man. He made his share of mistakes. As we all do. But he gave me gifts I will treasure and pass on to my children. He taught me to love no matter what. He taught me that no person is any less deserving of unconditional love and acceptance than another. Our home was always open to any one who needed a place. a place to laugh, to love, to cry, to talk to heal from life's wounds....He didn't always make the best choices but he was an amazing man. Filled with amazing gifts that he lovingly passed on to us his children...and we are now passing them on to ours....
I love you dad....I miss you more every day....I am so grateful for all you taught me about life love and treasures...I can not wait for the day we will be reunited. I have so much I want to tell you....love~Angela
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Synergy!
The pictures are a bit dark...this is me in my character 'Cindy-Lou' FUN !!
We had a great time in church tonight! Synergy services were in the hands of the children's ministry team. We honored the 6th grade graduates.
Trudy and I were supposed to do a character skit with Pastor Kevin.
Trudy and I were in the dressing room changing into our characters. Discussing what we would say and do. When suddenly, Trudy was hit hard with a horrible headache bringing her to her knees then the floor. I prayed for her. And had to do the skit on my own. Poor Pastor Kevin, I could tell he was wondering where Trudy was and if she would be popping out from somewhere any minute. After the skit, I changed and checked on Trudy, found her some medication and prayed some more. By the end of service she was feeling a bit better.
I am praying these headaches do not return.
We had a great time in church tonight! Synergy services were in the hands of the children's ministry team. We honored the 6th grade graduates.
Trudy and I were supposed to do a character skit with Pastor Kevin.
Trudy and I were in the dressing room changing into our characters. Discussing what we would say and do. When suddenly, Trudy was hit hard with a horrible headache bringing her to her knees then the floor. I prayed for her. And had to do the skit on my own. Poor Pastor Kevin, I could tell he was wondering where Trudy was and if she would be popping out from somewhere any minute. After the skit, I changed and checked on Trudy, found her some medication and prayed some more. By the end of service she was feeling a bit better.
I am praying these headaches do not return.
reflections and regret
In reflecting over the past year or so I have realized a few things...it has been a year of growth....change....a season of remembering, letting go, reconnecting, adjusting, loving, loss, mourning, joy...and so much more.
I have been reflecting a lot lately. I get that way. You know. reminiscey (is that even a word?) around this time of the year. This week is the 16th anniversary of Daddy's death. I always find my heart rewinding during this time. For such an awful time in my life I had many blessings. Why is it that when in the midst of the storms of life we fail to recognize those blessings? I have so many regrets rooted in those years surrounding Daddy's death and dying process. I lost a lot during those years. I have a great many regrets still living there. In those years stored away in the recesses of my heart where no one is allowed to roam.
I was hurt. I lost so much during that season of my life. After Daddy died I felt so alone. So lost. Abandoned. No two people respond in the same ways in the face of such great loss. I wish I could say I was strong and grew stronger through the months and years that followed. But, instead, I ran. I ran away from all the people who had cared for me. I ran from the unconditional-there for you no matter what- family that I had created. Not only did I run....but I cut all communication too. Over the years I have thought about those angels of peace and mercy who carried us through those dark days....God knows I have a deeply grateful heart....I only wish I had an opportunity to share that gratefulness with the people who extended love to me when loving us was risky.
As the years have passed by, my heart has grown to understand that I may never have the opportunity again to thank those wonderful people. To apologize for my running spirit.
then....a series of events began to unfold. and how oddly appropriate that the changes would revolve around the life of a boy who extended the life of my father by several years.
A year ago, a wedding took me back to the place I had run from. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. The flight was nerve racking. Upon my arrival I realized something. Unconditional real love never fades. Even when denied exposure. Even when not fed or nurtured. Unconditional love continues to grow through the storms of life and into the sunshine. I was greeted with the open arms and love of a mother whom is not really my mother. But has been in so many ways. Every person I encountered embraced me as if time had stood still.
One would think this kind of loving forgiving reception would make me feel better. Right? It increased my guilt and bad feelings ten fold. Because not only did I run out on people who in many ways were more of a family to me than any biological family could ever be. But, I realized how much I missed out on...how much my children have missed out on. And that knowledge grieves my heart deeply.
I have struggled intensely with these feelings all year. But, am slowly coming to a place where it is beginning to make sense.
I was blessed this week. A very dear friend of my dad's ( throughout dad's illness he became dear to me and Dominique as well.) Brad an amazing support to all of us throughout dad's illness and after. anyway. I know I am rambling a bit....I pushed him away as well. we lost touch 13 years ago. I have looked for him many times with no success. I think of him every time I take Isaiah up to the hospital because he lives in the twin cities. He found me on face book this week. What a wonderful opportunity. We have been catching up on life. He is still the amazing friend he always was. I am so glad he found me. He is preparing to go on a 300 mile bike ride for AIDS in honor of my dad. WOW! I am honored....to know him and to call him friend!
I have to figure out how to find peace with the past decisions and bring healing from here. Regret is a terrible thing to live with...
I have been reflecting a lot lately. I get that way. You know. reminiscey (is that even a word?) around this time of the year. This week is the 16th anniversary of Daddy's death. I always find my heart rewinding during this time. For such an awful time in my life I had many blessings. Why is it that when in the midst of the storms of life we fail to recognize those blessings? I have so many regrets rooted in those years surrounding Daddy's death and dying process. I lost a lot during those years. I have a great many regrets still living there. In those years stored away in the recesses of my heart where no one is allowed to roam.
I was hurt. I lost so much during that season of my life. After Daddy died I felt so alone. So lost. Abandoned. No two people respond in the same ways in the face of such great loss. I wish I could say I was strong and grew stronger through the months and years that followed. But, instead, I ran. I ran away from all the people who had cared for me. I ran from the unconditional-there for you no matter what- family that I had created. Not only did I run....but I cut all communication too. Over the years I have thought about those angels of peace and mercy who carried us through those dark days....God knows I have a deeply grateful heart....I only wish I had an opportunity to share that gratefulness with the people who extended love to me when loving us was risky.
As the years have passed by, my heart has grown to understand that I may never have the opportunity again to thank those wonderful people. To apologize for my running spirit.
then....a series of events began to unfold. and how oddly appropriate that the changes would revolve around the life of a boy who extended the life of my father by several years.
A year ago, a wedding took me back to the place I had run from. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. The flight was nerve racking. Upon my arrival I realized something. Unconditional real love never fades. Even when denied exposure. Even when not fed or nurtured. Unconditional love continues to grow through the storms of life and into the sunshine. I was greeted with the open arms and love of a mother whom is not really my mother. But has been in so many ways. Every person I encountered embraced me as if time had stood still.
One would think this kind of loving forgiving reception would make me feel better. Right? It increased my guilt and bad feelings ten fold. Because not only did I run out on people who in many ways were more of a family to me than any biological family could ever be. But, I realized how much I missed out on...how much my children have missed out on. And that knowledge grieves my heart deeply.
I have struggled intensely with these feelings all year. But, am slowly coming to a place where it is beginning to make sense.
I was blessed this week. A very dear friend of my dad's ( throughout dad's illness he became dear to me and Dominique as well.) Brad an amazing support to all of us throughout dad's illness and after. anyway. I know I am rambling a bit....I pushed him away as well. we lost touch 13 years ago. I have looked for him many times with no success. I think of him every time I take Isaiah up to the hospital because he lives in the twin cities. He found me on face book this week. What a wonderful opportunity. We have been catching up on life. He is still the amazing friend he always was. I am so glad he found me. He is preparing to go on a 300 mile bike ride for AIDS in honor of my dad. WOW! I am honored....to know him and to call him friend!
I have to figure out how to find peace with the past decisions and bring healing from here. Regret is a terrible thing to live with...
Foundations For Faith Graduation
Tonight was Synergy service at church. We celebrated the 6th grade class graduating foundations for faith. They all did a great job. Isaiah would have become a junior member, however, he was in PA on baptism Sunday. So, he will do it the next time. Marty made a video of the kids reading parts of their papers at the end of the video Isaiah read his entire paper. The whole video was very moving and I am proud of all the kids, especially Isaiah!
a black eye
Yesterday while unloading bags from the back of the van. I did not realize someone was closing the van door. Until I was nearly knocked off my feet. The door hit me before I knew what was happening, I didn't even realize I lost my glasses until Elijah handed them to me.
It hurt so much I was shaking all over and tears were just popping out of my eyes. It was the craziest thing! All afternoon it throbbed and swelled and slowly by bedtime it was bruising.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the wedding
Mr. and Mrs!
Nathan and Sun's wedding was beautiful. Being exposed to a new culture was amazing in so many ways. I admire Sun and her family for their deep tradition. What an honor it was for me to have been a part of such a wonderful day in their lives.
I have many more special photos to share. Will put them up soon.
Sun and Nathan are an amazing young couple with a love so real and pure I am not sure I have ever been in the presence of such beauty. They live the definition of love...honor...cherish.
I wish I could find words to express all we experienced while there sharing in the special day.
Nathan taught us the proper ways to show respect to Sun and her family. We participated in traditional Korean ceremonies. Nathan also taught all of us the proper greeting in Korean. The boys were so cute practicing the greeting all day, then when it was time to greet Sun's family they bowed appropriately but said...nothing....teehee!
The traditional American ceremony was followed by the Korean Peah Bek ceremony, then the reception with dinner and dancing.
Nathan and Sun's wedding
Alex fell asleep waiting shortly after.....
Dominique fell asleep waiting for the wedding to begin.
Mother in her traditional Han Bok.
Sun's adorable nephew!
The couple and their bridal party.
Sun's cutie niece.
The lovely bride!
My handsome brother and his bride. (and mother's head)
Sun's parents, Sun, Nathan, Mother and Philip (standing in for Dad)
The wedding was absolutely beautiful!
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