June 30
I made it through the month of June.
Another Father's Day another death day another birthday have come and gone. It is always interesting to me how depending on the season I am living in my life determines the depth of grief I experience.
Days have come and gone. Reflecting, mourning all over again. Some days took me by surprise and some took me to the deepest sadness imagined. But today arrived and I realized something. I know June is hard by the last day of May every year I am preparing my heart and mind for the coming days and not matter how much preparation I pour in it always takes me by surprise.
This year was no different. Random days of no memorial significance at all brought me to tears. Yet his death date was not as hard. Father's Day and his birthday both kept me on my knees with grief.
In reflection I am so grateful for the life lessons he taught me. In listening to old friends recall our teen years and the impact he had on their lives. Watching dominique become a man, filled with love and compassion for the world, watching Isaiah and his amazing love and patience with his siblings and witnessing Elijah go off to El Salvador touch lives and come home heart broken for the children....all these bring joy to my heart, these boys are the living legacy of my daddy.
I am reminded of an uncles hatefilled words of 30 some years ago and today I smile in knowing how very wrong he proved to be. Those words ring through my memory as if they were just spewed a few moments ago.
Future generations have been blessed not cursed, my fathers grand children and great grand children will rise and be world changers. They will leave their grandfathers fingerprints and heart beat behind them in every thing they do. My daddy lived love out loud, I am proud to pass his loving legacy on.
So today at the end of my least favorite month of the year I am choosing to reflect and hold onto the truth, unconditional love deeply rich heritage he so lovingly gifted to me and his future generations.
I love you daddy. It is my greatest joy to honor you
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Gods plans are greater
February 2015 we as a family decided to end our years as a foster family. Our daughter was struggling with motherhood we knew our hands would be full. We scheduled a meeting with out licensing agency and let them know of our plan. Our support worker asked us to think about it for 1 week. We agreed to do so but knew we would not change our minds.
A few days later as I was driving to an important meeting for our daughter I received the first if 4 phone calls that would change our world....again.
We have a baby girl being discharged from the hospital would you consider placement?i explained our situation. And let her know that we would not take placement. The outcome of our meeting was not what any of us expected. When I listened to messages after the meeting there was another call about baby girl. I returned the call and let her know that we have too many kiddos and would not be able to take placement.
I went on to the office to get some work done casually called Scott to let him know about the calls. I sensed hesitation in his voice but knew we were still set in our decision. The 3rd call came and I agreed to listen to details and let the placement agent know we would agree if the court signed a variance and if the DHS worker approved. I still believed full well that we were closing and not taking baby.
The last call came, DHS was excited to hear we were the identified family. We agreed to take temporary placement while they continued to search for a medical home who could properly care for her.
That was February 26.... Today is June 27. Little miss is still with us. She is thriving and making amazing progress every day. We are head over heals in love with her. We take her to church or in the community and all who meet her are drawn to her . There is something special about this little one. She has changed hearts given hope and amazed us all.
I am honored that God chose for me to be her temporary mama. I will love her well as long as I have her.
Please pray for her and her journey as it continues.....
Thursday, June 25, 2015
In my decision to begin writing again I have thought of so many things I want to write about sorting through thoughts in my mind and deciding where to begin is a challenge. Today I will begin with me.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.
Monday, June 22, 2015
It seems I am forever learning of life and love. heartaches and joys.
I can't tell you how many millions of times I have written blog posts in my mind but failed to find the time to record those fleeting thoughts.
My mind is constantly writing. Always in motion never stopping.
Sitting here on this cloudy rainy day I could write about a number of things. So much has happened since my last post life has a way of changing and running off with me now and again. I have to forcibly slow down and learn to breath. Learn to take in moment and engrave them on my heart so as not to forget the depths of the emotions of those moments. Both bitter and sweet ones. I never want to forget the bitterness that life doles out because it is through those moments those trials that I grow the most.
The funny thing is I seem to learn a variation of the same lesson again and again. Which means to me that I am not a good student of life. Haha.
I would love to sit here and tell you I learn my lesson grow and move on every single time. But that would be a lie. And I try to be transparent so others might see they are not alone in their struggles.
I have done a lot of grieving a lot of celebrating and everything in between. I have experienced the joy of success and the sting of failure. But at the end of the day I choose to pick up I choose to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.
That is the best I can do for me for my children and for those I love most dearly.
I am planning to do better here.
Honestly it truly is selfish. I feel better when I write. For me writing is medicine for my soul and healing to my heart. I may not weave beauty into my words but I find them to be soothing to my being and that's most important. If I help you along the way that is a huge bonus to me.
Welcome back
I can't tell you how many millions of times I have written blog posts in my mind but failed to find the time to record those fleeting thoughts.
My mind is constantly writing. Always in motion never stopping.
Sitting here on this cloudy rainy day I could write about a number of things. So much has happened since my last post life has a way of changing and running off with me now and again. I have to forcibly slow down and learn to breath. Learn to take in moment and engrave them on my heart so as not to forget the depths of the emotions of those moments. Both bitter and sweet ones. I never want to forget the bitterness that life doles out because it is through those moments those trials that I grow the most.
The funny thing is I seem to learn a variation of the same lesson again and again. Which means to me that I am not a good student of life. Haha.
I would love to sit here and tell you I learn my lesson grow and move on every single time. But that would be a lie. And I try to be transparent so others might see they are not alone in their struggles.
I have done a lot of grieving a lot of celebrating and everything in between. I have experienced the joy of success and the sting of failure. But at the end of the day I choose to pick up I choose to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.
That is the best I can do for me for my children and for those I love most dearly.
I am planning to do better here.
Honestly it truly is selfish. I feel better when I write. For me writing is medicine for my soul and healing to my heart. I may not weave beauty into my words but I find them to be soothing to my being and that's most important. If I help you along the way that is a huge bonus to me.
Welcome back
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
here is the deal
I am a mom. A mom who fails daily. Every single day I mess something up with at least one of my precious children. the very same children I prayed for and was chosen to parent. Adoption fostering or birthing it really doesn't matter. I mess up equally on all. there are days when I fall into my pillow and weep. literally weep tears of failure and frustration. I am not a perfect parent nor do I wish to be. here is what I do wish:
I wish that my journey may be a light unto the path of parents coming along after me. that my mistakes and failures would guide them in a direction more productive one with less pain and fewer tears.
I wish that my love for my children would guide them to healing. healing the wounds of their pasts.
I wish that love alone was enough to mend the wounds of trauma and time and the cruelty of this world
I wish that all of my children would be soothed by the rocking of my embrace
I wish I was as wise as the wisest of all and that my mistakes would fade into the watercolor memories of time and only my success become vivid pictures of who I am to them in the future.
I wish always used an even tone of voice and lovingly corrected and reassured my children EVERY SINGLE TIME but I don't. folks, I DONT. sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I lose it and the mess of emotional puddles of my children that I am forced to repair and rebuild devastate me. break my heart. BUT
part of this is being real.
I am being real here. I am a mess of imperfection who is trudging through this journey of mothering the best way I know how. I do not ever want to mislead anyone into believing that I have this whole thing figured out. Sometimes I hit a home run but honestly those are rare.
the beauty of imperfection is that I always have another day another chance at making it better, repairing the broken finding beauty in the midst of a mess. every day I chose to do better to be better and show better. every day I wake up look at my reflection in the mirror and give grace, a second chance and I chose to move forward learning from yesterday and praying I have learned something praying that my journey would be used for good and not to harm others.
I am a mom. A mom who fails daily. Every single day I mess something up with at least one of my precious children. the very same children I prayed for and was chosen to parent. Adoption fostering or birthing it really doesn't matter. I mess up equally on all. there are days when I fall into my pillow and weep. literally weep tears of failure and frustration. I am not a perfect parent nor do I wish to be. here is what I do wish:
I wish that my journey may be a light unto the path of parents coming along after me. that my mistakes and failures would guide them in a direction more productive one with less pain and fewer tears.
I wish that my love for my children would guide them to healing. healing the wounds of their pasts.
I wish that love alone was enough to mend the wounds of trauma and time and the cruelty of this world
I wish that all of my children would be soothed by the rocking of my embrace
I wish I was as wise as the wisest of all and that my mistakes would fade into the watercolor memories of time and only my success become vivid pictures of who I am to them in the future.
I wish always used an even tone of voice and lovingly corrected and reassured my children EVERY SINGLE TIME but I don't. folks, I DONT. sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I lose it and the mess of emotional puddles of my children that I am forced to repair and rebuild devastate me. break my heart. BUT
part of this is being real.
I am being real here. I am a mess of imperfection who is trudging through this journey of mothering the best way I know how. I do not ever want to mislead anyone into believing that I have this whole thing figured out. Sometimes I hit a home run but honestly those are rare.
the beauty of imperfection is that I always have another day another chance at making it better, repairing the broken finding beauty in the midst of a mess. every day I chose to do better to be better and show better. every day I wake up look at my reflection in the mirror and give grace, a second chance and I chose to move forward learning from yesterday and praying I have learned something praying that my journey would be used for good and not to harm others.
Monday, January 26, 2015
sometimes the right decision feels wrong
Letting go.
Saying goodbye.
saying out loud the thoughts that flutter about within the walls of my heart.
Acknowledging the hurt and pain.
Admitting this time love was not enough.
This is one of the most difficult posts I have written in a very long time.
You have to have a glimpse of my heart, a window into my soul to be able to fully understand the depth of pain and grief saturating each word written here.
I am not a mother of many for accolades. I am not a foster mother for the money. I am not an adoptive mother to gain applause and ovations. I am not a social worker to save the world. I do not operate Dropz of Hope for fame and recognition.
I was created to give. I was created to connect. As I truly believe all humans were. I was taught at a very early age by a grandmother and a father who loved the world with pure hearts that when a person is in need you help. When a person is lonely you hold their hand. When a person is in the depths of sorrow you wipe their tears. And if they push you away you quietly sit and wait reminding them of your quiet presence because one day they will look up and realize you are still there. YOU were the ONE who did not leave. You were the ONE who stayed no matter what. this very foundation is the base of my life motto: Love no matter what: the tattoo I chose represents all of this and my motto was shortened to: unconditional love.
considering my foundation, the way I was created even without the great influence of such amazing individuals, you might begin to understand why this particular situation has so deeply and profoundly damaged my heart.
I am beginning to work it out. I am beginning to be able to reconcile who I am with what I have no control over and how those 2 things do not always meld together sweetly creating a beautiful tapestry. No. sometimes who I am and circumstances I am forced to walk out do not get along well. sometimes they bring clouds of darkness and tears.
I am beginning to see that it is not about me. It is not what I did or did not do. it is not that I did not love well. I know that I have. I loved her well. I have loved her completely and no matter what. At the end of the story this has to count for something. there are still so many variables outside of my control.
It feels so unnatural to give up. walk away. speak the words: good bye. when my heart is screaming WAIT one more chance. Lets try this parenting thing one more time.
Sometimes the children that walk into the door of my heart and home are hurting. sometimes they have experienced such deep trauma that only a miracle will change them. Only the loving hand of God reaching down and holding them close to HIM will heal their wounds.
And sometimes there are policies and procedures that dictate whether or not we are able to continue our pursuit of the miraculous healing they so deserve.
when these things take place simultaneously we must step back. we must reframe our thoughts. We must put a container around our hearts and think.
it is not about me.
in this situation what is best for this child?
and it is then that we have to be willing to take our heart place it in their hands and let them go. Being a foster adoptive parent is the only calling in life that I know of that we willingly daily offer our hearts fully and expect them to be broken into a million pieces knowing full well we will pick those pieces up again and place them in the hands of strangers over and over expecting that tattered heart to be broken again and again. Hoping that one time just one time out of a million love will be enough and the recipient of our heart will feel the warmth of the unconditional love it offers. Praying that somehow through HIS grace love will ultimately be enough.
But today. Right now. I am standing in the midst of the pieces of my broken heart. Knowing there is a little girl I call my own who is too hurt and too wounded to believe in love and too distant to allow me to give her what she deserves. A mothers unfailing everyday unconditional love. no matter what.
Today my dear girl, I am letting you go. As the tears burn trails upon my face. I am letting you go. may you always know the love I have given to you freely will stand waiting. maybe the future will bring you healing and then you will see and know the gift that is waiting for you.
I am not walking away. I am not giving up. I am not quitting.
I am letting go so you are free to find healing. so you are free to fly. I am believing one day when healing settles in around your broken heart that God will whisper my name across your soul and you
will remember the days you were called my daughter.
always know there is Grace in every day, there is hope in all things, and you are loved. so very dearly loved not only by me but also your Father in Heaven who created you to do great things.
Saying goodbye.
saying out loud the thoughts that flutter about within the walls of my heart.
Acknowledging the hurt and pain.
Admitting this time love was not enough.
This is one of the most difficult posts I have written in a very long time.
You have to have a glimpse of my heart, a window into my soul to be able to fully understand the depth of pain and grief saturating each word written here.
I am not a mother of many for accolades. I am not a foster mother for the money. I am not an adoptive mother to gain applause and ovations. I am not a social worker to save the world. I do not operate Dropz of Hope for fame and recognition.
I was created to give. I was created to connect. As I truly believe all humans were. I was taught at a very early age by a grandmother and a father who loved the world with pure hearts that when a person is in need you help. When a person is lonely you hold their hand. When a person is in the depths of sorrow you wipe their tears. And if they push you away you quietly sit and wait reminding them of your quiet presence because one day they will look up and realize you are still there. YOU were the ONE who did not leave. You were the ONE who stayed no matter what. this very foundation is the base of my life motto: Love no matter what: the tattoo I chose represents all of this and my motto was shortened to: unconditional love.
considering my foundation, the way I was created even without the great influence of such amazing individuals, you might begin to understand why this particular situation has so deeply and profoundly damaged my heart.
I am beginning to work it out. I am beginning to be able to reconcile who I am with what I have no control over and how those 2 things do not always meld together sweetly creating a beautiful tapestry. No. sometimes who I am and circumstances I am forced to walk out do not get along well. sometimes they bring clouds of darkness and tears.
I am beginning to see that it is not about me. It is not what I did or did not do. it is not that I did not love well. I know that I have. I loved her well. I have loved her completely and no matter what. At the end of the story this has to count for something. there are still so many variables outside of my control.
It feels so unnatural to give up. walk away. speak the words: good bye. when my heart is screaming WAIT one more chance. Lets try this parenting thing one more time.
Sometimes the children that walk into the door of my heart and home are hurting. sometimes they have experienced such deep trauma that only a miracle will change them. Only the loving hand of God reaching down and holding them close to HIM will heal their wounds.
And sometimes there are policies and procedures that dictate whether or not we are able to continue our pursuit of the miraculous healing they so deserve.
when these things take place simultaneously we must step back. we must reframe our thoughts. We must put a container around our hearts and think.
it is not about me.
in this situation what is best for this child?
and it is then that we have to be willing to take our heart place it in their hands and let them go. Being a foster adoptive parent is the only calling in life that I know of that we willingly daily offer our hearts fully and expect them to be broken into a million pieces knowing full well we will pick those pieces up again and place them in the hands of strangers over and over expecting that tattered heart to be broken again and again. Hoping that one time just one time out of a million love will be enough and the recipient of our heart will feel the warmth of the unconditional love it offers. Praying that somehow through HIS grace love will ultimately be enough.
But today. Right now. I am standing in the midst of the pieces of my broken heart. Knowing there is a little girl I call my own who is too hurt and too wounded to believe in love and too distant to allow me to give her what she deserves. A mothers unfailing everyday unconditional love. no matter what.
Today my dear girl, I am letting you go. As the tears burn trails upon my face. I am letting you go. may you always know the love I have given to you freely will stand waiting. maybe the future will bring you healing and then you will see and know the gift that is waiting for you.
I am not walking away. I am not giving up. I am not quitting.
I am letting go so you are free to find healing. so you are free to fly. I am believing one day when healing settles in around your broken heart that God will whisper my name across your soul and you
always know there is Grace in every day, there is hope in all things, and you are loved. so very dearly loved not only by me but also your Father in Heaven who created you to do great things.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
risk and hope
It has been a long 7 months. 7 months of letting go, self revelation and discovery. 7 months of grief and turmoil. 7 months of searching to find who I am now and how do I fit into this world today.
so many hard things. so many circumstances out of my hands affecting my world.
It would be a cop-out to sit and write of how this journey has lead me to beautiful revelations and suddenly the heavens opened up and sun shown down on my path revealing all the wonderful things I could imagine. this has not happened.
I would be lying.
I have struggled with health. emotional health, physical health. heart health. there are days I have to will myself to move out of bed and into the day.
I look back over months and years and see I have not always been kind to myself. I care more for those around me than I do for myself. Self care is THE>HARDEST>THING<FOR<ME< I know this, I am not good at it at all. I ever ask for help. I never take time for me. I don't invest in me. ever.
which makes me to be a hypocrite I suppose as I sit in home after home encouraging moms dads grandparents and others to take good care of themselves so they are better able to care for others. In my head this makes perfect sense. Perfectly! I am just unable to put into practice the words of advice I pass out. I could list one lame excuse or explanation after another and never find the truth. I am not even sure I understand the truth. I gather bits of my truth here and there and piece them together like great grandmother used to piece together fabric in hopes of having a lovely quilt when she was done. each time I find a new piece that seems to fit I find a new space waiting to be filled.
I have been thinking a lot lately about seriously perusing the passions of my heart. maybe in the pursuit of my passions I will find my truth. maybe then the clouds of loneliness and sadness will lift away. It always seems odd to me that I am able to feel so sad and lonely while surrounded by so many people all of the time. it is overwhelming and surreal to look around and see a room filled with smiling people and yet feel completely alone. I am becoming more aware of these things and some of why they are happening.
Its funny I almost expect people to trust me. in my job, with dropz of hope, at church in the community yet I don't automatically trust others. I am working on that also.
I feel like these past 7 months I have been hiding. hiding from myself and hiding the struggles I have been living. its time to get real again. its time to work it all out.
Today, this is a he risk. I risk judgment of others who have stumbled across this page. I risk revealing too much of my heart and others not knowing how to handle it. but I have come to realize that if I wish to make progress and move forward I have to risk everything. and what ever I am still holding when its over is what I have to build on for tomorrow.
I hope to write more often I hope to work through all of this and be a ray of light for someone else. someday.
so many hard things. so many circumstances out of my hands affecting my world.
It would be a cop-out to sit and write of how this journey has lead me to beautiful revelations and suddenly the heavens opened up and sun shown down on my path revealing all the wonderful things I could imagine. this has not happened.
I would be lying.
I have struggled with health. emotional health, physical health. heart health. there are days I have to will myself to move out of bed and into the day.
I look back over months and years and see I have not always been kind to myself. I care more for those around me than I do for myself. Self care is THE>HARDEST>THING<FOR<ME< I know this, I am not good at it at all. I ever ask for help. I never take time for me. I don't invest in me. ever.
which makes me to be a hypocrite I suppose as I sit in home after home encouraging moms dads grandparents and others to take good care of themselves so they are better able to care for others. In my head this makes perfect sense. Perfectly! I am just unable to put into practice the words of advice I pass out. I could list one lame excuse or explanation after another and never find the truth. I am not even sure I understand the truth. I gather bits of my truth here and there and piece them together like great grandmother used to piece together fabric in hopes of having a lovely quilt when she was done. each time I find a new piece that seems to fit I find a new space waiting to be filled.
I have been thinking a lot lately about seriously perusing the passions of my heart. maybe in the pursuit of my passions I will find my truth. maybe then the clouds of loneliness and sadness will lift away. It always seems odd to me that I am able to feel so sad and lonely while surrounded by so many people all of the time. it is overwhelming and surreal to look around and see a room filled with smiling people and yet feel completely alone. I am becoming more aware of these things and some of why they are happening.
Its funny I almost expect people to trust me. in my job, with dropz of hope, at church in the community yet I don't automatically trust others. I am working on that also.
I feel like these past 7 months I have been hiding. hiding from myself and hiding the struggles I have been living. its time to get real again. its time to work it all out.
Today, this is a he risk. I risk judgment of others who have stumbled across this page. I risk revealing too much of my heart and others not knowing how to handle it. but I have come to realize that if I wish to make progress and move forward I have to risk everything. and what ever I am still holding when its over is what I have to build on for tomorrow.
I hope to write more often I hope to work through all of this and be a ray of light for someone else. someday.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
grace for a far off place
Grace
This seems to be a theme for me as of late. I read about it everywhere I turn. I find myself counseling others to live it show it share it. I find myself drawn to its mystery and not quite knowing how and why it reappears on a daily basis.
My mind wanders to far off places. Places from my past that lay covered in dust begging to be left alone. I mean seriously the past is far off for a reason, right?
Why then, are there reminders of everywhere I look.
I need to find a way to not only show grace give grace but also to extend grace unto myself.
Choke. gasp. sputter. WHAT?
So many moments in this life I feel totally completely unworthy of such things as grace. Grace is intended for others surely not me.
As I have entertained this inner dialogue regarding grace over the last couple weeks I have landed on this truth. I do deserve Grace. I am not any good at being selfish enough to take it for myself.
The Bible tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. Why is so hard?
Why am I able to see that Grace is God's gift t others but fail to see the same truth applied to myself?
This seems to be a theme for me as of late. I read about it everywhere I turn. I find myself counseling others to live it show it share it. I find myself drawn to its mystery and not quite knowing how and why it reappears on a daily basis.
My mind wanders to far off places. Places from my past that lay covered in dust begging to be left alone. I mean seriously the past is far off for a reason, right?
Why then, are there reminders of everywhere I look.
I need to find a way to not only show grace give grace but also to extend grace unto myself.
Choke. gasp. sputter. WHAT?
So many moments in this life I feel totally completely unworthy of such things as grace. Grace is intended for others surely not me.
As I have entertained this inner dialogue regarding grace over the last couple weeks I have landed on this truth. I do deserve Grace. I am not any good at being selfish enough to take it for myself.
The Bible tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. Why is so hard?
Why am I able to see that Grace is God's gift t others but fail to see the same truth applied to myself?
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
trust
Trust....I am not sure why but for some reason today before 830am I had seen heard or thought of this word in some form 6 times. I don't know about you, but that is enough to make me pay attention. So, as I have walked out my day with the kids and various things we have been doing I have been pondering this word. I began by looking up the definition in the dictionary here is what I found:
trust\
noun
1.
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.
confident expectation of something; hope.
3.
confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4.
5.
the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6.
the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7.
charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.
I deleted the rest of the definitions as they pertain to law and commerce and I am quite sure those are not fitting for today.
I guess when I think of the word trust, I think of it as an action not necessarily a noun. Like LOVE. and I'm sorry. to me all 3 of these require action. They require me to demonstrate through my attitude and my actions what I intend for others to see in me.
The more I sit here and think the more I feel like these 3 walk closely by each other. Maybe I feel this way because I am an action kind of girl. I tend to not believe words that are spoken. It usually takes actions to get my attention. Anyone can utter the words "trust me" "I love you" 'I'm sorry" then turn around and promptly go back to the behaviors or actions that made me hesitant to believe in the first place. But if someone takes the time to SHOW me they love me or wish to gain my trust or accept an apology I guarantee they would have my full attention.
So then, I dug a little deeper as a friend of mine always encourages me to do....and what I find is that maybe its not at all about personal relationships and issues for me. Maybe it goes way deeper than that. I can give my testimony. I can speak the words. I can proclaim the name of Jesus from the roof tops and sing His praises al day long. But I am so very guilty of not putting action behind my trust in HIM. that is exactly what this all boils down to. He is tugging at my heart reminding me that I can trust in Him always in everything. But I always hold back, never fully releasing my strong hold on my trust. Never fully giving over to Him to handle me, my life, my situations.
Thank you Lord, for sending me 6 reminders before 830 am thank you for nudging me to admit I need to work on this. Have patience with me as I gather the courage to let go and let you handle all things. ALL THINGS.
Help me grow the ability to place my trust in YOU and turn my words into actions moment by moment, because, honestly Lord right now I am living life by the moment. That's about all I can do today.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
The darkness began to roll in sometime late Saturday night, I was able to fend it off until sometime Sunday mid morning. When I was consumed, eaten alive by it. funny thing about this darkness is that it disguised itself as illness. I truly felt I was getting sick. I ached clear through to my bones and was tired not just averagely tired I was so tired that I could feel the weight of the exhaustion weighing down my entire body and tugging at my eyelids begging them to close and shut out the entire world. I put up a good fight. but continued to feel the pulling and pushing of darkness. By bed time Sunday I was absolutely convinced I was sick and thought through in my mind how I would fit a doctors visit into my Monday morning routine.
Below zero temperatures and the need to keep the baby safe and warm trumped my need to visit the clinic. I trudged through my morning. As I listened to my children moving about the house getting ready for school I stared blankly out the window. My mind meandering around thoughts completely unrelated one to the other. I pushed back the thoughts of warm blankets and bed and made the choice to just 'do this day'.
As I moved on through the day it became more and more clear to me that I was not suffering from a physical illness I was suffering through grief and the loss I felt so deeply within. I was dancing with depression. Funny how deep sorrow, loss and grief can mimic physical illness playing tricks on the mind.
I began writing this draft a month ago. I have allowed myself to slowly walk through the hallways of sadness and find ways to soothe my pain. I am feeling a lot better today. There are still big moments when the heaviness returns and I find myself fighting through the emotion of the situation to find my way back to the reality of it. The reality is I love this child and I want the very best this world has to offer to her. I simply do not know how to find that for her anymore. I am slowly arriving at the understanding that its alright not to know.
I continue to wage this war within myself, fighting off the feelings of hypocrisy. I am called to help families in these exact situations, I encourage them to stick to it never give up love no matter what. The idea that is forming within my heart is that I can stick to it, I can never give up, I can love no matter what. Its not going to look the same it may never look the same again, that doesn't change my heart, my love, my commitment. At the same time, it changes everything. Finding peace within all of this is tricky.
As always, I am a work in progress.....pray for me.
Below zero temperatures and the need to keep the baby safe and warm trumped my need to visit the clinic. I trudged through my morning. As I listened to my children moving about the house getting ready for school I stared blankly out the window. My mind meandering around thoughts completely unrelated one to the other. I pushed back the thoughts of warm blankets and bed and made the choice to just 'do this day'.
As I moved on through the day it became more and more clear to me that I was not suffering from a physical illness I was suffering through grief and the loss I felt so deeply within. I was dancing with depression. Funny how deep sorrow, loss and grief can mimic physical illness playing tricks on the mind.
I began writing this draft a month ago. I have allowed myself to slowly walk through the hallways of sadness and find ways to soothe my pain. I am feeling a lot better today. There are still big moments when the heaviness returns and I find myself fighting through the emotion of the situation to find my way back to the reality of it. The reality is I love this child and I want the very best this world has to offer to her. I simply do not know how to find that for her anymore. I am slowly arriving at the understanding that its alright not to know.
I continue to wage this war within myself, fighting off the feelings of hypocrisy. I am called to help families in these exact situations, I encourage them to stick to it never give up love no matter what. The idea that is forming within my heart is that I can stick to it, I can never give up, I can love no matter what. Its not going to look the same it may never look the same again, that doesn't change my heart, my love, my commitment. At the same time, it changes everything. Finding peace within all of this is tricky.
As always, I am a work in progress.....pray for me.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
when hope walked out
It was a cold windy morning. The drive was long and awkward. Maybe more so for myself than for the others in the vehicle. I felt sadness hopelessness and dread well up inside of me with every mile past the feelings of dread grew. I struggled to contain my emotions and tears I struggled to keep my voice steady when I spoke. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Flashing through my mind as quickly as the scenery flew by as we drove down the highway. I review all the conversations all the meetings phone calls emails searching for peace searching for comfort searching for confirmations that THIS was in fact the right thing to do.
NONE came. Peace eludes me comfort flees and I am left sitting in the vehicle with a heavy heart weighted by the knowledge that this is wrong.
there is nothing right good true with this journey.
I look into the future a day a week a month a year and so on.....and what I see places weight on my heart that is impossible to bare. The enormity of it al closes in on me and restricts my ability to breath. It takes all of my energy to focus and take each breath and disguise my dread.
For the first time in my life. EVER I feel totally completely helpless and HOPEless....I have never experienced a situation where I could not feel hope where I could not feel the presence of God and something good. Today was different. I felt such a heaviness such a deep rooted sorrow I can not give justice to through words.
I am angry at myself for waving the flag of surrender. I question my every move in this situation. I wonder what if and why. All of these things are completely against my nature. The person I see reflected back at me in the mirror is not the person I know. She is a stranger to me today. and these feelings inside are just as foreign. I want to jump up ad run. run fast into the wind letting its strength sweep me up and carry me with her as she blows her fury down the highway. But I cant move. I cant will my feet to move.
We finally arrive at our destination and I somehow find the ability to move through the moments and sound even look as if I am functioning at a normal level. When in reality I feel as if I am floating in some horrible dream that wont release me to morning.
We were there such a short amount of time and my brain was numb. the numbness trickled down into my heart as I gazed into her eyes searching for hope. searching for SOMETHING I could grab ahold of and hold tightly to as we continue on this journey. Nothing. She is gone, I searched desperately in her eyes for SOMETHING.
As we turned to go I looked back one more time and realized today is the day Hope walked out on me.
I can not describe the feeling of loss and emptiness that rushed in and filled my heart.
Pray for me.
I went from this straight into attending kids church winter camp. I loved spending time with the children even though all I really wanted to do was hide in my bed and cry. Pastor Kevin spoke to the children that night about turning our hurts into Hope and I found myself wishing my girl had heard this message. How do I reach her heart? How do I change this into a hopeFILLED situation rather than the hopelessness I feel I am drowning in.....I need prayer.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
stretching and growing
God has been stretching me. BEYOND my own boundaries. Stretching and growing can be painful and confusing, and it can also be pure joy. When I think of the recent life lessons He has taught me I think of the song give me your eyes by Brandon Heath ( I have posted the video)
I have prayed this prayer many times over the past year and continue to be amazed at the opportunities the Lord chooses to lay before me where I can choose to see with HIS eyes and not my own. I have loved deeper, been moved to tears, felt pain indescribable and trusted HIM with all that I am and all that I have. It is a humbling experience to allow yourself to become vulnerable to HIM and HIS plan.
I am not perfect at this obedience thing and I am not always quick to see through His eyes. I am a work in progress. And I have learned so much about myself along the way. I am excited to share some of this journey here. I would be honored if you would stop back by and check in soon.
I have prayed this prayer many times over the past year and continue to be amazed at the opportunities the Lord chooses to lay before me where I can choose to see with HIS eyes and not my own. I have loved deeper, been moved to tears, felt pain indescribable and trusted HIM with all that I am and all that I have. It is a humbling experience to allow yourself to become vulnerable to HIM and HIS plan.
I am not perfect at this obedience thing and I am not always quick to see through His eyes. I am a work in progress. And I have learned so much about myself along the way. I am excited to share some of this journey here. I would be honored if you would stop back by and check in soon.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
a Christmas miracle
As 2013 came to a close my heart was heavy with the knowledge that Burrito and Spuds were about to have a birth sibling soon. I had no way of knowing for sure when, but had an idea. I predicted the due date would be Christmas Eve. On December 22 I was alerted that a baby boy had been born and was in the hospital preparing for discharge. Fear filled me as I prayed that this innocent child would be protected by someone. Anyone.
All I could do was pray through the next several hours.
Monday morning December 23 as I drove in to work I received a call from a worker who explained the circumstance of this baby's birth and current situation. The question came "are you willing to take this baby so he can be with his biological brothers?" and for the second time in 13 years of doing this foster/adopt thing I broke the ONE rule. never say yes with out first discussing it with Scott. I said yes. Of course. We agreed that as details came from the hospital to the worker we would make a plan.
Later that same afternoon I received another call asking f I could meet at the hospital at 430. Our Christmas miracle was ready for discharge and My prayers had been answered.
The medical staff was kind and compassionate. I could tell they had all fallen in love with him during his brief stay. I shared photos of the boys so they could see how very different all 3 of them are. We went through the education, business, paperwork and finally were on our way.
He is a tiny little peanut I lovingly call Mr. Jingles since he arrived in our home just hours before Christmas Eve.
We will walk out this journey believing God has a purpose and a plan.
All I could do was pray through the next several hours.
Monday morning December 23 as I drove in to work I received a call from a worker who explained the circumstance of this baby's birth and current situation. The question came "are you willing to take this baby so he can be with his biological brothers?" and for the second time in 13 years of doing this foster/adopt thing I broke the ONE rule. never say yes with out first discussing it with Scott. I said yes. Of course. We agreed that as details came from the hospital to the worker we would make a plan.
Later that same afternoon I received another call asking f I could meet at the hospital at 430. Our Christmas miracle was ready for discharge and My prayers had been answered.
The medical staff was kind and compassionate. I could tell they had all fallen in love with him during his brief stay. I shared photos of the boys so they could see how very different all 3 of them are. We went through the education, business, paperwork and finally were on our way.
He is a tiny little peanut I lovingly call Mr. Jingles since he arrived in our home just hours before Christmas Eve.
We will walk out this journey believing God has a purpose and a plan.
a letter to my girls
Dear Daughter (s)
Madison you have taught me so many lessons along the way. How to be a better parent, more patient, more understanding, and how to be a fierce advocate for your child. You have taught me that parenting does not end when a child walks away and shuts you out, parenting does not stop when a child arrives at 18 or 21 and declares they are an adult. Parenting is a lifelong journey with beautiful highs and dark lows. I believe because of our journey together I am a better mother to the other children. I was not a girly girl growing up I was raised with a slew of boys at home in the extended family and in my neighborhood. I never understood girly girls until I met you. Because of your love of all things shiny spiny and bright I feel joy well up in me when I see those things too.
My Amaris. If I ever thought Madison was girly-- boy how wrong I was! You are the shiniest girl I have ever met. Your freckled face makes me smile and your giggle is contagious. I am so proud of all you have overcome and the strength you gain each new year. You challenge me in ways that are wonderfully frustrating. I love you.
Sassy Pants. Although you have been in this crazy world 12 years already you have only been in my world for a very short time. I will never forget the moment I met you and knew with every fiber of my being that God intended for you to be my daughter. I wish I had the ability to go back in time and erase bad things and re-create time and events. I would take all the scary bad things away and replace them with joy happiness and unconditional love. When I look into your eyes I see darkness that is steeped deeply in sadness. Every once in a while you allow me a glimpse of the joyful place that lives somewhere with in your heart. No matter what happens from here my prayer is that you will always know the love a true mother can give and that no matter where life takes you, you will always know home is here. where you will always be loved no matter what.
There are so many important things I want for you girls to know.
Always know that you shine. SHINE form the inside out. Your beauty is deeply rooted within you. You are special. unique, like no other. This is an important lesson I did not learn until I was well into my adult years. God made each of you exactly as you are to fulfill a special purpose He has waiting for you. Listen to Him always. He has an amazing life planned for you.
Another thing I never knew is that sometimes hard things happen. God never promised us that hard things would not come our way. BUT He did promise to never ever leave us. Look to Him always. He will guide your every step as long as you keep your heart and eyes fixed on Him.
This one is HUGE. Never ever let a boy define who you are. GOD alone defines you. If a boy tried to change you then he is not the ONE God has waiting for you. and He does. God has the perfect boy picked out just for you. Be patient. willingly wait. Never ever settle for anyone less. You will know when you meet the right boy. he will love God more than life. He will place you and your best in a high place. He will protect you. He will honor you and your purity. He will wait for you because he will know that God chose you just for him.
Be kind. Your tongue has mighty power. In your tongue you have the power to love. heal. encourage. build up. You also have the power to hurt. tear down and destroy. Give thought to the words you think and say. once they become thoughts they soon will be spoken, if they do not honor and give life then destroy them before they are spoken.
Be each others friend. Family is important. None of you have had the blessing of having extended family surrounding your growing years. Create that for your children. Family is a blessing that God gifted to each of you. Never let silly things tear down your relationships with your siblings love each other, love each others spouses and children. Grow your families close. Life can be hard at times you will need each other.
Although none of you sweet girls grew in my tummy you all where born of my heart. each one a very special gift to me from God. I have tried my best to be a good momma to each of you. I have made mistakes. be forgiving of me and of yourselves when times arise that you make a mistake and need forgiving. forgiveness is necessary in order to grow and love. Learn to be forgiving. and know always that no matter what, I Love You.
Love,
Mom
Madison you have taught me so many lessons along the way. How to be a better parent, more patient, more understanding, and how to be a fierce advocate for your child. You have taught me that parenting does not end when a child walks away and shuts you out, parenting does not stop when a child arrives at 18 or 21 and declares they are an adult. Parenting is a lifelong journey with beautiful highs and dark lows. I believe because of our journey together I am a better mother to the other children. I was not a girly girl growing up I was raised with a slew of boys at home in the extended family and in my neighborhood. I never understood girly girls until I met you. Because of your love of all things shiny spiny and bright I feel joy well up in me when I see those things too.
My Amaris. If I ever thought Madison was girly-- boy how wrong I was! You are the shiniest girl I have ever met. Your freckled face makes me smile and your giggle is contagious. I am so proud of all you have overcome and the strength you gain each new year. You challenge me in ways that are wonderfully frustrating. I love you.
Sassy Pants. Although you have been in this crazy world 12 years already you have only been in my world for a very short time. I will never forget the moment I met you and knew with every fiber of my being that God intended for you to be my daughter. I wish I had the ability to go back in time and erase bad things and re-create time and events. I would take all the scary bad things away and replace them with joy happiness and unconditional love. When I look into your eyes I see darkness that is steeped deeply in sadness. Every once in a while you allow me a glimpse of the joyful place that lives somewhere with in your heart. No matter what happens from here my prayer is that you will always know the love a true mother can give and that no matter where life takes you, you will always know home is here. where you will always be loved no matter what.
There are so many important things I want for you girls to know.
Always know that you shine. SHINE form the inside out. Your beauty is deeply rooted within you. You are special. unique, like no other. This is an important lesson I did not learn until I was well into my adult years. God made each of you exactly as you are to fulfill a special purpose He has waiting for you. Listen to Him always. He has an amazing life planned for you.
Another thing I never knew is that sometimes hard things happen. God never promised us that hard things would not come our way. BUT He did promise to never ever leave us. Look to Him always. He will guide your every step as long as you keep your heart and eyes fixed on Him.
This one is HUGE. Never ever let a boy define who you are. GOD alone defines you. If a boy tried to change you then he is not the ONE God has waiting for you. and He does. God has the perfect boy picked out just for you. Be patient. willingly wait. Never ever settle for anyone less. You will know when you meet the right boy. he will love God more than life. He will place you and your best in a high place. He will protect you. He will honor you and your purity. He will wait for you because he will know that God chose you just for him.
Be kind. Your tongue has mighty power. In your tongue you have the power to love. heal. encourage. build up. You also have the power to hurt. tear down and destroy. Give thought to the words you think and say. once they become thoughts they soon will be spoken, if they do not honor and give life then destroy them before they are spoken.
Be each others friend. Family is important. None of you have had the blessing of having extended family surrounding your growing years. Create that for your children. Family is a blessing that God gifted to each of you. Never let silly things tear down your relationships with your siblings love each other, love each others spouses and children. Grow your families close. Life can be hard at times you will need each other.
Although none of you sweet girls grew in my tummy you all where born of my heart. each one a very special gift to me from God. I have tried my best to be a good momma to each of you. I have made mistakes. be forgiving of me and of yourselves when times arise that you make a mistake and need forgiving. forgiveness is necessary in order to grow and love. Learn to be forgiving. and know always that no matter what, I Love You.
Love,
Mom
cant publish pix of sassy yet.
Friday, December 27, 2013
A letter to my boys.
Dear Son(s),
To my first born...It is hard to believe you have been with me for 23 years and 7 months. I want you to know some things. It is important for you to hear what has been written on my heart for you.
Even before you were born you had a special purpose. You brought light and hope into one of the darkest times of not only my life but your grandfathers as well. You were born with a certain peace about you, one that lives inside of you even today.
To My Isaiah. You were also born with a special purpose. You see you were the first connections that melted our 2 families into 1. Before you were born we were still 2 families living in one home when you were born you were a part of each of us. When you came into this world God used you to make us into a whole family. God has amazing plans for your life. You are a walking testimony of Gods faithfulness and love for all of us. Living proof that sometimes God's answer to prayer is Yes. You have far exceeded all expectations of the medical world. I am excited to see what He has planned for the future.
To my Elijah. Just thinking of your beginning brings tears to my eyes. hundreds of people all over the world prayed for your healing while you were still in the womb. We were prepared to love you in what ever condition you arrived, the outlook was not good. God had other plans and completed your healing before you were born. He has given you gifts and talents. use them to bring honor to Him.
To my Samuel. What a journey we have had. You amaze me with your talent and courage. God will bring great things to you if you remember to always follow Him.
To my Zephan. The obstacles you have hurdled and overcome in the short 6 years you have spent here on earth are nothing short of miraculous. You bring frustration and the greatest joy to my life. You have taught me much about love and patience. You are a beautiful child. Remember to always follow Jesus and He will direct your steps.
To my Thomas. Rescued for a purpose. When I look back over the journey we have shared. All I see is the amazing loving hand of God that has held you close every step of the way. He saved your life. He has plans for you that will blow away any plan I could dream up for you!
To my Jonah. I don't care what the doctors have said, you are brilliant, you are favored and you are loved. I refuse to place limitations on your life and future. I believe great blessings will come from you and to you in this life.
To my Jingles. I have known you 4 days. You already took up residence in my heart. I know these next few months will be tough. They will feel impossible and dark at times. I want you to know, I will pray over you every moment along the way. There are so many wonderful people praying for you and others fighting for you. I believe God will carry us through this first season together and in the end you will forever be with us, with your brothers.
My prayer for your lives has been and will always be that you will be world changers, peace makers.
Be proud of yourself, even if you’re different, because you were created with a unique purpose that requires you to be like no other. Be confident, be encouraging to others, be a part of the journey another takes to find their purpose too. Be okay with failure, because it is through failure that you will learn some of life’s greatest lessons. Be kind and compassionate. Forgive. Always. Because holding onto grudges, hurt and pain breeds the same and You my Son were created for much more than these. Nothing good can be gained from being the opposite of these. Be faithful, as a friend and human being. Find a way to believe in something bigger than yourself, because the world is not about you, and just when you begin to think it is, the world will teach you a lesson. Be courageous. You my Son will need courage to walk through this life. I wish for you to not only walk through life but that you will do it with such courage that others will look to you to find their strength. Life is not easy and requires hard and sometimes scary work, I promise it will be worth it. Be thankful, because thankfulness creates joy and with joy comes contentment, life is intended to be enjoyed. Be an honest and loyal friend, who speaks the truth with love and stands firmly through the best and worst of times.
To my first born...It is hard to believe you have been with me for 23 years and 7 months. I want you to know some things. It is important for you to hear what has been written on my heart for you.
Even before you were born you had a special purpose. You brought light and hope into one of the darkest times of not only my life but your grandfathers as well. You were born with a certain peace about you, one that lives inside of you even today.
To My Isaiah. You were also born with a special purpose. You see you were the first connections that melted our 2 families into 1. Before you were born we were still 2 families living in one home when you were born you were a part of each of us. When you came into this world God used you to make us into a whole family. God has amazing plans for your life. You are a walking testimony of Gods faithfulness and love for all of us. Living proof that sometimes God's answer to prayer is Yes. You have far exceeded all expectations of the medical world. I am excited to see what He has planned for the future.
To my Elijah. Just thinking of your beginning brings tears to my eyes. hundreds of people all over the world prayed for your healing while you were still in the womb. We were prepared to love you in what ever condition you arrived, the outlook was not good. God had other plans and completed your healing before you were born. He has given you gifts and talents. use them to bring honor to Him.
To my Samuel. What a journey we have had. You amaze me with your talent and courage. God will bring great things to you if you remember to always follow Him.
To my Zephan. The obstacles you have hurdled and overcome in the short 6 years you have spent here on earth are nothing short of miraculous. You bring frustration and the greatest joy to my life. You have taught me much about love and patience. You are a beautiful child. Remember to always follow Jesus and He will direct your steps.
To my Thomas. Rescued for a purpose. When I look back over the journey we have shared. All I see is the amazing loving hand of God that has held you close every step of the way. He saved your life. He has plans for you that will blow away any plan I could dream up for you!
To my Jonah. I don't care what the doctors have said, you are brilliant, you are favored and you are loved. I refuse to place limitations on your life and future. I believe great blessings will come from you and to you in this life.
To my Jingles. I have known you 4 days. You already took up residence in my heart. I know these next few months will be tough. They will feel impossible and dark at times. I want you to know, I will pray over you every moment along the way. There are so many wonderful people praying for you and others fighting for you. I believe God will carry us through this first season together and in the end you will forever be with us, with your brothers.
My prayer for your lives has been and will always be that you will be world changers, peace makers.
Be proud of yourself, even if you’re different, because you were created with a unique purpose that requires you to be like no other. Be confident, be encouraging to others, be a part of the journey another takes to find their purpose too. Be okay with failure, because it is through failure that you will learn some of life’s greatest lessons. Be kind and compassionate. Forgive. Always. Because holding onto grudges, hurt and pain breeds the same and You my Son were created for much more than these. Nothing good can be gained from being the opposite of these. Be faithful, as a friend and human being. Find a way to believe in something bigger than yourself, because the world is not about you, and just when you begin to think it is, the world will teach you a lesson. Be courageous. You my Son will need courage to walk through this life. I wish for you to not only walk through life but that you will do it with such courage that others will look to you to find their strength. Life is not easy and requires hard and sometimes scary work, I promise it will be worth it. Be thankful, because thankfulness creates joy and with joy comes contentment, life is intended to be enjoyed. Be an honest and loyal friend, who speaks the truth with love and stands firmly through the best and worst of times.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
reality check
As I trudged through my week. Trying to muster enough emotional energy to put one foot in front of the other and not run and hide. Feeling a bit swallowed up by circumstances out of my control. Feeling somewhat of a failure as a mom. Feeling the blues and not really wanting to deal with anyone. My bed filled with cozy blankets and mindless made for TV movies a cup of coffee and nothing else seemed more and more appealing to me. It is always times such as these that God sends me an attitude adjustment, a reality check.
I sat in the living room of a gentleman whom I have known for a little more than a year. I visit his home once a week. This week, we were discussing his daughter and her struggle with depression and behavior. We were exploring creative ways to get her engaged and keep her safe. I mentioned that sometimes a person in this situation needs the safety of a hospital to find stability. It is not a long term answer but often helps. He expressed his concerns of her learning new behaviors. This is a valid concern but we must balance and decide what is best. I shared my journey with my mentally ill daughter with him. He quietly listened, taking in the story that has been my life. I did not share to discourage or scare him I shared so he would know he is not the only parent struggling with these issues. I shared about her cutting period and how she had been hospitalized and we over reacted by hiding any sharp object locking everything away. I told him that what I learned was: no matter how safe I make my home no matter how hard I try as a mom to keep my children safe if they are that hurt, that scared, that afraid they will find a way. they will be creative and use just about anything they can in order to carry out the act in which they find peace. whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking etc. We as parents have to give our children safety when they need it but also tools to keep themselves safe.
He sat for a long time. Not speaking but I could tell by the change in his eyes that he was thinking on what I had shared. In a slow quiet but steady voice he said. I understand now. Its just like me. 15 years ago I had a plan to end my life. I had a hard time dealing with my disability, I did not feel like a good provider. I had my gun loaded and ready. For some reason I told someone and they found help for me. What no one has ever known is that every day for the past 15 years I have had a plan. I have well thought out plans and back up plans. It is a daily struggle, a daily choice. Every morning I wake up and face my in ability to take care of my family the way in which I desire to. Every day I wake up feeling more of a burden than a blessing. But a year ago when you started coming here to see us I began to feel hope. Hope that I may not be able to provide physically for my family but I am ale to provide in other ways. The difference now is that I still have a plan. But now I have hope and now I have strength to chose NOT to carry out that plan. I pray, I pray hard every day that I will find strength to fight that demon away from my mind. And it is always the toughest days when I am feeling weak that you show up and you fill my ears with encouragement and you bring hope because I know you understand. and because I know you care. and that is all I needed. so Thank you.
I sat there speechless. After many minutes passed I wiped the tears that had found their way down my cheeks took a deep breath and all I could say was. Thank you for sharing your story. You are important. You have a purpose. And I am honored to know you.
as I drove away that day I was grateful for the 45 minutes of solitude in the van. I had much to ponder.
I am blessed and all these things that have weighed me down are nothing compared to this burden this man has carried for 15 years.
I share this story today NOT to receive praise. I do not need nor do I want praise. What I want is for people to realize what our presence in the lives around us means. We do not know the hidden burdens carried by others. We do not know the pain in their hearts. We need to be careful of the words we choose the actions we use. They are important. They have great power. power to heal and power to destroy. I want my actions attitudes and words to always bring healing.
I sat in the living room of a gentleman whom I have known for a little more than a year. I visit his home once a week. This week, we were discussing his daughter and her struggle with depression and behavior. We were exploring creative ways to get her engaged and keep her safe. I mentioned that sometimes a person in this situation needs the safety of a hospital to find stability. It is not a long term answer but often helps. He expressed his concerns of her learning new behaviors. This is a valid concern but we must balance and decide what is best. I shared my journey with my mentally ill daughter with him. He quietly listened, taking in the story that has been my life. I did not share to discourage or scare him I shared so he would know he is not the only parent struggling with these issues. I shared about her cutting period and how she had been hospitalized and we over reacted by hiding any sharp object locking everything away. I told him that what I learned was: no matter how safe I make my home no matter how hard I try as a mom to keep my children safe if they are that hurt, that scared, that afraid they will find a way. they will be creative and use just about anything they can in order to carry out the act in which they find peace. whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking etc. We as parents have to give our children safety when they need it but also tools to keep themselves safe.
He sat for a long time. Not speaking but I could tell by the change in his eyes that he was thinking on what I had shared. In a slow quiet but steady voice he said. I understand now. Its just like me. 15 years ago I had a plan to end my life. I had a hard time dealing with my disability, I did not feel like a good provider. I had my gun loaded and ready. For some reason I told someone and they found help for me. What no one has ever known is that every day for the past 15 years I have had a plan. I have well thought out plans and back up plans. It is a daily struggle, a daily choice. Every morning I wake up and face my in ability to take care of my family the way in which I desire to. Every day I wake up feeling more of a burden than a blessing. But a year ago when you started coming here to see us I began to feel hope. Hope that I may not be able to provide physically for my family but I am ale to provide in other ways. The difference now is that I still have a plan. But now I have hope and now I have strength to chose NOT to carry out that plan. I pray, I pray hard every day that I will find strength to fight that demon away from my mind. And it is always the toughest days when I am feeling weak that you show up and you fill my ears with encouragement and you bring hope because I know you understand. and because I know you care. and that is all I needed. so Thank you.
I sat there speechless. After many minutes passed I wiped the tears that had found their way down my cheeks took a deep breath and all I could say was. Thank you for sharing your story. You are important. You have a purpose. And I am honored to know you.
as I drove away that day I was grateful for the 45 minutes of solitude in the van. I had much to ponder.
I am blessed and all these things that have weighed me down are nothing compared to this burden this man has carried for 15 years.
I share this story today NOT to receive praise. I do not need nor do I want praise. What I want is for people to realize what our presence in the lives around us means. We do not know the hidden burdens carried by others. We do not know the pain in their hearts. We need to be careful of the words we choose the actions we use. They are important. They have great power. power to heal and power to destroy. I want my actions attitudes and words to always bring healing.
Friday, December 6, 2013
an adoption journey
Who knew silver threads of sorrow and golden threads of joy could be sewn lovingly into the same quilt....surely not I.
Bare with me as I pour out my raw feelings and emotions. Please try and remember this is Angela's journey, Angela's heart, Angela's experience. I welcome those who read and keep up with my life as I see it feel it and breathe it daily. But please do not be rude judgmental or mean. that is unnecessary and mean.
My journey with a daughter living with mental illness is not a new topic here. So I will not rehash al those details.
It was October 16, 2012. My birthday. My daughter had been missing again for quite some time. Had no contact with me at all spontaneous contact with her dad 20 months leading up to this text message. Knowing the situations she historically found herself in up to this time made the news she typed feel dark scary and sad. 'I'm pregnant' those are 2 words I had prayed against many times. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed at me all at one time. It was as if something had knocked the wind out of me only I am stull trying to remember how to breathe. even nearly 14 months later I am still reeling from the events that unfolded behind this announcement. I cried many tears, became angry, tried to make deals with My Father in heaven. There were many moments I was sure he was not listening. One skill I have that comes in handy during times such as these is that from the outside it is most difficult for others to see the struggle, battle and pain I carry. I like to keep it this way. I am not good at sharing my pain with others. Its just the way I am.
There was nothing we could do but pray and wait. Pray for the safety of this unborn child. Pray for the safety of our daughter. That payer has been uttered, whispered, screamed and cried millions of times over the past few years. There were moments through out the journey that I felt sorry for myself. This is not how becoming a grandparent for the first time was supposed to be. I felt jipped. ripped off. angry.
I wanted to have the privilege of shouting it out for all the world to hear. I suddenly became painfully aware of others becoming grandparents for the first time. I was jealous. I was angry. I hurt so deeply. and I was terrified.
February my daughter moved back home. we had a contract as we have in the past. She signed and agreed and with in 7 days broke the contract and took off again. Fear mounted upon fear and grew until it nearly consumed my thoughts and stole my sleep. She then became ill and ended up in the hospital in March and returned home for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. My mind ran in circles around itself leaving me dizzy with emotions I never thought were possible.
One day mid march her therapist informed s she had made a plan for adoption and had chosen the adoptive parents. Part of me was relieved and part of me experienced a new kind of grief I have no words to describe. I was filled with pride for my daughter who had just made the single most difficult and the bravest decision of her life thus far. I have never before and never since seen her more clear and dedicated to a decision. I respect. honor. love that girl. She knew she could not parent and made the most self LESS decision she ever could. In the process blessing a family with a miracle of a gift.
I continued to pray and take care of my daughter. I prayed that God would reverse all effects of any substances she had used prior to returning home. This was an extremely stressful period. But we had a focus and she had a plan. We had something to work towards which gave me strength.
I love the adoptive parents dearly. I know them well and have been very close to them for many years. What I didn't ever expect was the pain awkwardness and strain that would weave through every moment as things began to progress. I wont write the birth story, it is not mine to share. I will say that hospital personnel need to be better educated in dealing with not only adoption births but also mental illness. I am afraid I will always have to be an advocate for my daughter. Fighting for her.
I will say, the moment I saw that beautiful baby enter this world my heart melted and I felt a love so different than any other I have experienced. In that moment I knew this would be the toughest journey I have traveled with my daughter thus far. In that same moment I knew this adoption was the RIGHT decision for her to make and I would always support her. My prayers shifted a little I will always pray protective prayers over my grand-daughter. But I found myself praying that she would always know how deep the love for her will always be. How we loved her SO MUCH that we knew this decision her birthmom made was the absolute best decision but also was the one that God chose for her life. this one simple revelation brought peace as deep as a river to my heart.
There were moments through out the hospital experience that I longed to hide with that sweet baby in a room and rock her whispering all my hopes and dreams for her life into her ear, praying prayers of hope over her, and showering her face with sweet kisses that would have to last a lifetime. Because the moment she was born I felt a shift happen. My universe tilted ever so slightly to the left. so slightly that I am sure I am the only one in that room who felt it.
I will forever be debt to the kind nurse who chose to stay that day and the social worker who came in on her day off to be there to support my daughter through her goodbye. Scott was unable to be there. Not because he had other places to be but because his heart could not handle a goodbye. So I went that morning and stayed with her until the time came. I wont write about the ugly things that happened because of negligence on the attorneys part. I am not bitter. I am sad at the pain she caused my daughter, my family and the adoptive family.
I charged my camera and photographed my daughter saying goodbye to her daughter. there was more genuine perfect love in that room with just the 3 of us and the social worker than I can ever remember being anywhere. I fought hard to hold my emotions in check. My mind went over and over the previous 3 days and I knew that these precious minutes would be the most important most defining moments of all. I felt the pressure of knowing the adoptive family was down the hall and around the corner excited to receive their blessing. As my heart broke into an infinite number of pieces as I watched my daughter tenderly say her goodbyes. When she was ready I gently took the baby swaddled her tightly kissed her softly and placed her in the rolling bassinet. I am sure I did not breath at all as I made my way out the door. the door closed softly and just as I heard the click of the knob engaging I heard the most horrific mourn-filled cry flow out of my daughters room. the mom part of me wanted to turn around and say just kidding you don't have to do this that mom part of me heard my daughters pain and wanted nothing more than to fix it, make it go. But I knew in that same moment that God chose this beautiful grand-daughter of mine to be someone else's daughter. I slid down to the floor and cried for what seemed like an eternity. gathered my senses stood and began the longest walk of my life. I passed by happy excited people carrying balloons and flowers chattering about the new little ones they were celebrating and I remember thinking how unbelievable it was to feel the silver threads of deep sorrow and the golden threads of joy in the same moment in one heart. I began to cry again as I walked, at first just a tear dripped out of the corner of each eye and then I realized I was sobbing my chest was closing in on me and I could not breathe at all. In that moment God sent an angel to me I the form of my daughters nurse. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder and gently guided me a secret way through the back halls. We stopped in a private room where I said my own good byes and that sweet nurse did an amazing thing. Something that normally I would not have welcomed but in that moment on that day was the absolute most perfect thing. She hugged me. She did not speak for a long time. then gently she whispered when ever you are ready, I will walk with you as long as you want. I have never been more grateful for the companionship of a stranger than I was at that moment. I collected myself, and we began our journey down the back halls to the room filled with my grandbaby's new family. Just as surprised I was at the depth of my emotions during the good bye I was equally surprised at the joy that filled my heart as I watched her new Mommy cradle her and look into her eyes with the love only a mother can express. Standing in that room with intense feelings of sorrow and joy I witnessed the miracle of God's plan coming together. I left the room quickly because my emotions were uncontrollable and unpredictable. I was trying to figure out where to go what to do and how to make myself move from this moment to the next with out dying. I looked up and there waiting for me in the hall was the nurse. I honestly have no idea where we went how long we were gone or how I managed to reappear in my daughters room looking and acting completely normal. I packed my daughters belongings and the social worker walked us out to our van. I drove away from the single most difficult right decision I have ever supported.
Even with all those emotions. I can honestly say I never waivered once on what the right thing to do was. I knew in the deepest corners of my heart all along that this was the journey God chose for my grand-daughter. I just never expected it to hurt so much. Sometimes right is painful. Sometimes right is the absolute most difficult thing you will ever do or support.
more on my journey in a different post yet to be written....
Bare with me as I pour out my raw feelings and emotions. Please try and remember this is Angela's journey, Angela's heart, Angela's experience. I welcome those who read and keep up with my life as I see it feel it and breathe it daily. But please do not be rude judgmental or mean. that is unnecessary and mean.
My journey with a daughter living with mental illness is not a new topic here. So I will not rehash al those details.
It was October 16, 2012. My birthday. My daughter had been missing again for quite some time. Had no contact with me at all spontaneous contact with her dad 20 months leading up to this text message. Knowing the situations she historically found herself in up to this time made the news she typed feel dark scary and sad. 'I'm pregnant' those are 2 words I had prayed against many times. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed at me all at one time. It was as if something had knocked the wind out of me only I am stull trying to remember how to breathe. even nearly 14 months later I am still reeling from the events that unfolded behind this announcement. I cried many tears, became angry, tried to make deals with My Father in heaven. There were many moments I was sure he was not listening. One skill I have that comes in handy during times such as these is that from the outside it is most difficult for others to see the struggle, battle and pain I carry. I like to keep it this way. I am not good at sharing my pain with others. Its just the way I am.
There was nothing we could do but pray and wait. Pray for the safety of this unborn child. Pray for the safety of our daughter. That payer has been uttered, whispered, screamed and cried millions of times over the past few years. There were moments through out the journey that I felt sorry for myself. This is not how becoming a grandparent for the first time was supposed to be. I felt jipped. ripped off. angry.
I wanted to have the privilege of shouting it out for all the world to hear. I suddenly became painfully aware of others becoming grandparents for the first time. I was jealous. I was angry. I hurt so deeply. and I was terrified.
February my daughter moved back home. we had a contract as we have in the past. She signed and agreed and with in 7 days broke the contract and took off again. Fear mounted upon fear and grew until it nearly consumed my thoughts and stole my sleep. She then became ill and ended up in the hospital in March and returned home for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. My mind ran in circles around itself leaving me dizzy with emotions I never thought were possible.
One day mid march her therapist informed s she had made a plan for adoption and had chosen the adoptive parents. Part of me was relieved and part of me experienced a new kind of grief I have no words to describe. I was filled with pride for my daughter who had just made the single most difficult and the bravest decision of her life thus far. I have never before and never since seen her more clear and dedicated to a decision. I respect. honor. love that girl. She knew she could not parent and made the most self LESS decision she ever could. In the process blessing a family with a miracle of a gift.
I continued to pray and take care of my daughter. I prayed that God would reverse all effects of any substances she had used prior to returning home. This was an extremely stressful period. But we had a focus and she had a plan. We had something to work towards which gave me strength.
I love the adoptive parents dearly. I know them well and have been very close to them for many years. What I didn't ever expect was the pain awkwardness and strain that would weave through every moment as things began to progress. I wont write the birth story, it is not mine to share. I will say that hospital personnel need to be better educated in dealing with not only adoption births but also mental illness. I am afraid I will always have to be an advocate for my daughter. Fighting for her.
I will say, the moment I saw that beautiful baby enter this world my heart melted and I felt a love so different than any other I have experienced. In that moment I knew this would be the toughest journey I have traveled with my daughter thus far. In that same moment I knew this adoption was the RIGHT decision for her to make and I would always support her. My prayers shifted a little I will always pray protective prayers over my grand-daughter. But I found myself praying that she would always know how deep the love for her will always be. How we loved her SO MUCH that we knew this decision her birthmom made was the absolute best decision but also was the one that God chose for her life. this one simple revelation brought peace as deep as a river to my heart.
There were moments through out the hospital experience that I longed to hide with that sweet baby in a room and rock her whispering all my hopes and dreams for her life into her ear, praying prayers of hope over her, and showering her face with sweet kisses that would have to last a lifetime. Because the moment she was born I felt a shift happen. My universe tilted ever so slightly to the left. so slightly that I am sure I am the only one in that room who felt it.
I will forever be debt to the kind nurse who chose to stay that day and the social worker who came in on her day off to be there to support my daughter through her goodbye. Scott was unable to be there. Not because he had other places to be but because his heart could not handle a goodbye. So I went that morning and stayed with her until the time came. I wont write about the ugly things that happened because of negligence on the attorneys part. I am not bitter. I am sad at the pain she caused my daughter, my family and the adoptive family.
I charged my camera and photographed my daughter saying goodbye to her daughter. there was more genuine perfect love in that room with just the 3 of us and the social worker than I can ever remember being anywhere. I fought hard to hold my emotions in check. My mind went over and over the previous 3 days and I knew that these precious minutes would be the most important most defining moments of all. I felt the pressure of knowing the adoptive family was down the hall and around the corner excited to receive their blessing. As my heart broke into an infinite number of pieces as I watched my daughter tenderly say her goodbyes. When she was ready I gently took the baby swaddled her tightly kissed her softly and placed her in the rolling bassinet. I am sure I did not breath at all as I made my way out the door. the door closed softly and just as I heard the click of the knob engaging I heard the most horrific mourn-filled cry flow out of my daughters room. the mom part of me wanted to turn around and say just kidding you don't have to do this that mom part of me heard my daughters pain and wanted nothing more than to fix it, make it go. But I knew in that same moment that God chose this beautiful grand-daughter of mine to be someone else's daughter. I slid down to the floor and cried for what seemed like an eternity. gathered my senses stood and began the longest walk of my life. I passed by happy excited people carrying balloons and flowers chattering about the new little ones they were celebrating and I remember thinking how unbelievable it was to feel the silver threads of deep sorrow and the golden threads of joy in the same moment in one heart. I began to cry again as I walked, at first just a tear dripped out of the corner of each eye and then I realized I was sobbing my chest was closing in on me and I could not breathe at all. In that moment God sent an angel to me I the form of my daughters nurse. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder and gently guided me a secret way through the back halls. We stopped in a private room where I said my own good byes and that sweet nurse did an amazing thing. Something that normally I would not have welcomed but in that moment on that day was the absolute most perfect thing. She hugged me. She did not speak for a long time. then gently she whispered when ever you are ready, I will walk with you as long as you want. I have never been more grateful for the companionship of a stranger than I was at that moment. I collected myself, and we began our journey down the back halls to the room filled with my grandbaby's new family. Just as surprised I was at the depth of my emotions during the good bye I was equally surprised at the joy that filled my heart as I watched her new Mommy cradle her and look into her eyes with the love only a mother can express. Standing in that room with intense feelings of sorrow and joy I witnessed the miracle of God's plan coming together. I left the room quickly because my emotions were uncontrollable and unpredictable. I was trying to figure out where to go what to do and how to make myself move from this moment to the next with out dying. I looked up and there waiting for me in the hall was the nurse. I honestly have no idea where we went how long we were gone or how I managed to reappear in my daughters room looking and acting completely normal. I packed my daughters belongings and the social worker walked us out to our van. I drove away from the single most difficult right decision I have ever supported.
Even with all those emotions. I can honestly say I never waivered once on what the right thing to do was. I knew in the deepest corners of my heart all along that this was the journey God chose for my grand-daughter. I just never expected it to hurt so much. Sometimes right is painful. Sometimes right is the absolute most difficult thing you will ever do or support.
more on my journey in a different post yet to be written....
what does adoption mean part 3, 4, 5
I always knew I wanted to foster and adopt one day. Honestly in 1995 when I married Scott I thought I gave those dreams away. He always said he would never do either one, in fact, at the time of our marriage he did not want to have ANY more children. Surprise! we had Isaiah. then later decided to have one more, Elijah. I never gave up my desire to foster and adopt. I never spoke about it to anyone but thought of it often and prayed about it nearly every day. I saw so much pain in the lives of children around me I saw hungry hurting children everywhere and just wanted to be a part of helping them find healing and safety. Then one day Scott came to me out of the blue and said he saw a special on TV and wanted to know more about being a foster family. Things moved quickly and we were in classes then licensed and soon had 2 little ones in our home. In the beginning we were focused on teaching parenting skills and helping the birth family get better so they could be reunited with their children. as time went on it became clear this was not going to happen and we would have the opportunity to adopt them. Adoption became to me a form a rescuing. I felt like I was a part of saving the lives of these sweet children. My job was now to love and protect them every day for the rest of their lives.
In between them and Zephan we were successful in finding healing with families and experience the joy of reunification and through this my faith in the system was restored.
Then along came Zephan his birth story took me on a journey I never expected, but then again I think God keeps choosing these tough journeys for me in order to teach my heart a few lessons. Zephans birth mom loved and still does love him madly completely and truly. So much so that my heart quivers in sorrow for her when I think too long on it. If only love were enough then she would be the perfect parent. Sadly, love does not give all fix all and is not all so.....He eventually became ours forever. my heart remains heavy for her.
Then, along came miss sassy pants.
In the beginning of our time with her my heart screamed to hold her and make things al right again. slowly as time crept by I began to reaize life has never been right for this little girl. It finally occurred to me not long ago that adoption does not always mean going before a judge, signing papers and celebrating. Sometimes. Adoption means loving some one SO much that no matter what you will never leave you will always be there. and love will always fill your heart. Even if she never lets me close enough, even if we never adopt her. Adoption means family and family loves NO MATTER WHAT.
In between them and Zephan we were successful in finding healing with families and experience the joy of reunification and through this my faith in the system was restored.
Then along came Zephan his birth story took me on a journey I never expected, but then again I think God keeps choosing these tough journeys for me in order to teach my heart a few lessons. Zephans birth mom loved and still does love him madly completely and truly. So much so that my heart quivers in sorrow for her when I think too long on it. If only love were enough then she would be the perfect parent. Sadly, love does not give all fix all and is not all so.....He eventually became ours forever. my heart remains heavy for her.
Then, along came miss sassy pants.
In the beginning of our time with her my heart screamed to hold her and make things al right again. slowly as time crept by I began to reaize life has never been right for this little girl. It finally occurred to me not long ago that adoption does not always mean going before a judge, signing papers and celebrating. Sometimes. Adoption means loving some one SO much that no matter what you will never leave you will always be there. and love will always fill your heart. Even if she never lets me close enough, even if we never adopt her. Adoption means family and family loves NO MATTER WHAT.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
what does adoption mean part 2
I had a few rough years as a teen growing up in California. I made some bad choices, got into my share of trouble. Then nearing the end of high school Daddy informed me we were moving. Not down the block or across town but all the way to New Jersey. That move saved my life in so many ways.
One if not THE best thing that came out of it was meeting Joslyn and her family.
It was from Grandmom Mommee and her extended family that I learned the true meaning of adoption. They took this messed up broken and angry teenage white girl into their hearts and homes and loved me. I was treated as one of the family from the second I was introduced. I learned about grace and love in the family room of that house, I learned about forgiveness and respect. I learned unconditional love from daddy I learned Love No Matter What from Mommee. I strive daily to be the kind of woman Mommee was.
No one could say my name and stop me dead in my tracks quite like Mommee could. Even as an adult with children a few years ago Dominique and I were out visiting and I had done something Mommee did not approve of, she said my name in the way that only she could, not only did I freeze but so did every other person in the room. Adotion=love no matter what.
One if not THE best thing that came out of it was meeting Joslyn and her family.
It was from Grandmom Mommee and her extended family that I learned the true meaning of adoption. They took this messed up broken and angry teenage white girl into their hearts and homes and loved me. I was treated as one of the family from the second I was introduced. I learned about grace and love in the family room of that house, I learned about forgiveness and respect. I learned unconditional love from daddy I learned Love No Matter What from Mommee. I strive daily to be the kind of woman Mommee was.
No one could say my name and stop me dead in my tracks quite like Mommee could. Even as an adult with children a few years ago Dominique and I were out visiting and I had done something Mommee did not approve of, she said my name in the way that only she could, not only did I freeze but so did every other person in the room. Adotion=love no matter what.
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