June 30
I made it through the month of June.
Another Father's Day another death day another birthday have come and gone. It is always interesting to me how depending on the season I am living in my life determines the depth of grief I experience.
Days have come and gone. Reflecting, mourning all over again. Some days took me by surprise and some took me to the deepest sadness imagined. But today arrived and I realized something. I know June is hard by the last day of May every year I am preparing my heart and mind for the coming days and not matter how much preparation I pour in it always takes me by surprise.
This year was no different. Random days of no memorial significance at all brought me to tears. Yet his death date was not as hard. Father's Day and his birthday both kept me on my knees with grief.
In reflection I am so grateful for the life lessons he taught me. In listening to old friends recall our teen years and the impact he had on their lives. Watching dominique become a man, filled with love and compassion for the world, watching Isaiah and his amazing love and patience with his siblings and witnessing Elijah go off to El Salvador touch lives and come home heart broken for the children....all these bring joy to my heart, these boys are the living legacy of my daddy.
I am reminded of an uncles hatefilled words of 30 some years ago and today I smile in knowing how very wrong he proved to be. Those words ring through my memory as if they were just spewed a few moments ago.
Future generations have been blessed not cursed, my fathers grand children and great grand children will rise and be world changers. They will leave their grandfathers fingerprints and heart beat behind them in every thing they do. My daddy lived love out loud, I am proud to pass his loving legacy on.
So today at the end of my least favorite month of the year I am choosing to reflect and hold onto the truth, unconditional love deeply rich heritage he so lovingly gifted to me and his future generations.
I love you daddy. It is my greatest joy to honor you
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Gods plans are greater
February 2015 we as a family decided to end our years as a foster family. Our daughter was struggling with motherhood we knew our hands would be full. We scheduled a meeting with out licensing agency and let them know of our plan. Our support worker asked us to think about it for 1 week. We agreed to do so but knew we would not change our minds.
A few days later as I was driving to an important meeting for our daughter I received the first if 4 phone calls that would change our world....again.
We have a baby girl being discharged from the hospital would you consider placement?i explained our situation. And let her know that we would not take placement. The outcome of our meeting was not what any of us expected. When I listened to messages after the meeting there was another call about baby girl. I returned the call and let her know that we have too many kiddos and would not be able to take placement.
I went on to the office to get some work done casually called Scott to let him know about the calls. I sensed hesitation in his voice but knew we were still set in our decision. The 3rd call came and I agreed to listen to details and let the placement agent know we would agree if the court signed a variance and if the DHS worker approved. I still believed full well that we were closing and not taking baby.
The last call came, DHS was excited to hear we were the identified family. We agreed to take temporary placement while they continued to search for a medical home who could properly care for her.
That was February 26.... Today is June 27. Little miss is still with us. She is thriving and making amazing progress every day. We are head over heals in love with her. We take her to church or in the community and all who meet her are drawn to her . There is something special about this little one. She has changed hearts given hope and amazed us all.
I am honored that God chose for me to be her temporary mama. I will love her well as long as I have her.
Please pray for her and her journey as it continues.....
Thursday, June 25, 2015
In my decision to begin writing again I have thought of so many things I want to write about sorting through thoughts in my mind and deciding where to begin is a challenge. Today I will begin with me.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.
Monday, June 22, 2015
It seems I am forever learning of life and love. heartaches and joys.
I can't tell you how many millions of times I have written blog posts in my mind but failed to find the time to record those fleeting thoughts.
My mind is constantly writing. Always in motion never stopping.
Sitting here on this cloudy rainy day I could write about a number of things. So much has happened since my last post life has a way of changing and running off with me now and again. I have to forcibly slow down and learn to breath. Learn to take in moment and engrave them on my heart so as not to forget the depths of the emotions of those moments. Both bitter and sweet ones. I never want to forget the bitterness that life doles out because it is through those moments those trials that I grow the most.
The funny thing is I seem to learn a variation of the same lesson again and again. Which means to me that I am not a good student of life. Haha.
I would love to sit here and tell you I learn my lesson grow and move on every single time. But that would be a lie. And I try to be transparent so others might see they are not alone in their struggles.
I have done a lot of grieving a lot of celebrating and everything in between. I have experienced the joy of success and the sting of failure. But at the end of the day I choose to pick up I choose to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.
That is the best I can do for me for my children and for those I love most dearly.
I am planning to do better here.
Honestly it truly is selfish. I feel better when I write. For me writing is medicine for my soul and healing to my heart. I may not weave beauty into my words but I find them to be soothing to my being and that's most important. If I help you along the way that is a huge bonus to me.
Welcome back
I can't tell you how many millions of times I have written blog posts in my mind but failed to find the time to record those fleeting thoughts.
My mind is constantly writing. Always in motion never stopping.
Sitting here on this cloudy rainy day I could write about a number of things. So much has happened since my last post life has a way of changing and running off with me now and again. I have to forcibly slow down and learn to breath. Learn to take in moment and engrave them on my heart so as not to forget the depths of the emotions of those moments. Both bitter and sweet ones. I never want to forget the bitterness that life doles out because it is through those moments those trials that I grow the most.
The funny thing is I seem to learn a variation of the same lesson again and again. Which means to me that I am not a good student of life. Haha.
I would love to sit here and tell you I learn my lesson grow and move on every single time. But that would be a lie. And I try to be transparent so others might see they are not alone in their struggles.
I have done a lot of grieving a lot of celebrating and everything in between. I have experienced the joy of success and the sting of failure. But at the end of the day I choose to pick up I choose to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.
That is the best I can do for me for my children and for those I love most dearly.
I am planning to do better here.
Honestly it truly is selfish. I feel better when I write. For me writing is medicine for my soul and healing to my heart. I may not weave beauty into my words but I find them to be soothing to my being and that's most important. If I help you along the way that is a huge bonus to me.
Welcome back
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